• Quote of the Day
    "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
    Nelson Mandela, posted by Daniel

sonnarose

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
6
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1
Hi,
I?ve been posting here two weks ago seeking some advice on the social issues/anxiety/panic attacks of my boyfriend. I did get some helpful advice but it seems it was all too much for the relationship.
We had been going out for one year, he is 32 and it ws only his second relationship. I always had the feeling that I couldn?t relax as I fell for him head over heels and he seemed much cooler and often somehow distant and not very good with words. He has been suffering from anxiety attacks for two years and had been waiting for a therapist for a year. Recently he had been really busy with work etc. and didn?t seem to want to spend much time with me, asked, he would say he would like things to cool down as discussions never seemed to go anywhere. It came to the point where I felt I had to get out of it as it started affecting my self-esteem and I thought I wasnt beautiful/sexy/ feminine enough and after a weekend where I was quite sick and he didn?t call me once I told him he should pick up his stuff. He didn`t even do me this favour.
I told him I loved him but would let him go so he could find himself and get happy. He emailed me saying he felt selfish for having to explore his inner feelings and hated himself for treating me the way he did, he didn?t deserve me.
We met up a week later and he said he missed me, couldn`t wait to see me. He wasn?t sure about anything and maybe in the future we could be together.
I asked him to leave me alone as I needed time to heal and couldn?t move on otherwise. He understood, we hugged and cried, he told me he loved me(for the first time) but maybe not enoguh. He keeps sending me very affectionate texts which confuse me so much!
I?m just trying to make sense of it all, did I do too much, did he just need me for a bit, is it really all over, is he maybe not capable of the commitment.
I?d be really glad to get some advice as I?m so sad and miss him so much. At the same time I know that seeing him as a friend would break my heart even more as I would always be longing for him.
Your views would be very much appreciated, thanks.
 

chell

Member
Joined
Feb 4, 2007
Messages
75
Points
6
SonnaRose;

Your situation is almost identical to mine, except l am the one with anxiety/panic issues and he has Bipolar. l am being treated with meds for my problem which is a help and my Ex has talked and acted almost identical to the way your boyfriend did.
When l was reading your post boy, it was just too eerie, the similarities. My ex used to tell me how l was too good for him, how l deserved someone better than him, anytime l went to talk to him if l felt there was something wrong, he clammed right up, although in my gut l had this gnawing feeling there was something wrong.
lf l was sick, boy he was sure never around and l was left to care for myself.
We were living together throughout all of this and even in bed, he went out to see his friend to work on cars until well after midnight with not even a call if l needed something or how l was doing, lt was like l did not exist after he closed the front door.
When he was in the computer room, that was his domain and he stayed in there and no one talked to him and he sat there most of the time and when we did have problems that is how he shut himself off from having to talk to me.
He did tell me he felt guilty inside for treating me the way he did and l asked him why he did so and he said he did not know but that he was very confused inside. l asked him what he was confused about and that answer was just "alot of things".....................He told me how much he loved me and wanted me but that l was too good for him and that he needed to let me go for that very reason because he knew he did not deserve me, regardless of the plans we had made together, the two teens we had living there that loved each of us like real parents, (step kids), and he told me that he needed his space to think!
l asked him what the hell he needed to think about since he spent most his time on the computer and he did not have an answer for that.

He decided to break up a week before the anniversary of my third daughter's death 13 years ago, 12 days before Christmas saying he did not want to do it at that time of the year knowing it was hard on me, emotionally but he could not help himself as he was not able to commit to me as he did not want to give me false hope that he would ever want to marry me after a year and a half of living together and 4 months of not loving me without telling me.

Not sure exactly of your situation now, but l know that in mine, l went through the gammit of emotions, shock , disbelief, emotional pain that came in such waves that l did not think l would get through it, anger, hate, and l am still working on acceptance even after two months.

l am afraid to see him up close even though we live close by and l do everything within my power not to come into contact with him, if possible. l have to say that if anyone plays this sort of game with a woman's mind, then no matter how much you love them you are far better off without them because in the long run, it is going to hurt you so much more in so many more ways that you will be in much more pain emotionally than you are right now.
Trust me in that , this comes from personal experience only because l stayed hoping he would change or that if l loved him enough l could make him see that he did not have to be like that knowing he could lean on me and trust me. He just used my emotions to his suiting and turned them back on me as a weapon to hurt me with.

Best of Luck , Michelle

l did see red flags popping up
 

Halo

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Jul 19, 2005
Messages
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It came to the point where I felt I had to get out of it as it started affecting my self-esteem and I thought I wasnt beautiful/sexy/ feminine enough

I think that based on what you wrote here that you are doing what is best for you and your emotional wellbeing. You need to look after yourself first and if the relationship is negatively affecting your self esteem then I believe you did the right thing by ending it (although painful yes) in order to take care of yourself.

It doesn't mean that there isn't going to be pain and grief associated with the loss of the relationship and possibly the person that you love but YOU are the most important person to be worried about at this time.

Take care
 

ThatLady

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Nov 4, 2004
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You're grieving the loss of something that never really was, sonnarose. That doesn't make the grieving any less painful, but it does help if you can realize that the person you hoped he'd be is not the person he is. Grieve for what might have been, realize it cannot be, and move on. Down the road, there's someone waiting who will be the person you've dreamed of. :hug:
 

sonnarose

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2007
Messages
6
Points
1
Hello,

I think I am slowly accepting that we weren?t for each other.
One thing that David mentioned in a different thread about the saying good-bye to the dreams really got me thinking.
My ex-boxfriend never seemed to have any dreams that concerned me. He used to say: " The present is scary enough, so the future seems even scarier!" This attitude kind of killed all dreamy enthusiam in me and made me hold back my feelings which is not at all me.
For now, I?ll be looking after myself and heal and accept that some things are just not meant to be.
Thank you all for making me feel less alone with my sadness,
:wave:
take care!
 

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