Can't seem to stop

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Nancy. It's so hard isn't it? I don't know why, but the anxiety is so much worse these days. I don't know if the medication is working and I am ashamed to ask the doctor about it because I don't want to let him down.

I just have to keep trying somehow.

:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I was thinking, hurting myself is the easy way to deal with the pain and anxiety. Sitting with it is so hard instead of hurting myself. Or facing the belief that "something bad is going to happen" if I don't hurt myself enough. This is so hard. I am not sure if I have to stop all at once or gradually or what. I know I can't keep it if I want to be healthy emotionally and physically. I can't have it. Not anymore.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it's punishing myself sometimes for not being able to do things perfectly, being told I'm dumb. I can't remember things, where everything is and that is a big deal.

I don't cry at home, so it's crying too and screaming maybe. I just need to punish myself to make things ok, to everyone will be ok. I'm tired and want to stop, but the thoughts are strong, so strong. But I'm not giving up.

 

[SoSo]

Janet, I agree with what the others said, very proud of you, you made the call. I lived with SI for years, it is very hard that first call or step. I have 5 years SI free and I won't say it wasn't a struggle or hard, had to learn other ways to deal with the emotions, the pain. I hope you will keep calling, keep reaching out, never give up.

 

[Halo]

I have 5 years SI free

That is quite an accomplishment Feisty and congrats although like you said, I know it couldn't have been easy.

You definitely give a lot of us hope and thank you for that

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm just not ok tonight. I am struggling. I am tired of this battle day after day. And I'll never be able to forget it because of the horrible scars. It's ugly. I am ugly.

I am not giving up though, never, ever giving up. Never.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ok, I keep slipping up, then I feel so frustrated with myself, like it doesn't matter, but I KNOW it does matter.

Tonight was just a bad night. I took sleeping medication, pain medication and I'm still awake.

I keep thinking about the people who are gone out of my life. I miss them so much. It hurts so much.

 

[Daniel E.]

Reading a self-help book is one way I try to deal with the buildup of negative thoughts. (For the last month or so, I have been listening to self-help audio books or podcasts almost every day.)

 

[Into The Light]

i can't take your hurt away but am sending you lots and lots of hugs. to lose those we love is so very hard. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Halo]

Janet,

I too can not take your hurt and pain away but I can definite relate. I want to send you lots and lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hang on Janet, just a couple more days :hug:
Take care

 

[SoSo]

Janet,
Like the others, can't take your pain away but just hope all the hugs and support will help you. I can relate to your pain, the scars. We are not ugly, even with the scars which for years I covered and hid. We are just beautiful wounded hearts and souls, needing time to heal, inside and out. We can heal, we can become the bud that blossoms, we just need the warmth of the support and caring of others along with self acceptance. So proud of you saying you are never giving up. That gives others courage to try seeing your determination. Great big granny hugs.

 

[Cheyenne]

I feel your pain, sorry you're having a rough time. Just take care of yourself :hug:

And the scars may be ugly, but you are not. You are not your scars and your scars do not define you. Just know that.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you.

It has been over a week since my last episode of self injury. I was hospitalized and couldn't really do anything. Well, actually I could have. When you've self-injured off and on for over 30 years you can always find a way. But I didn't.

I don't want to anymore. I came home and threw away all my "stuff." I am breathing and breathing, concentrating on that right now to get through the urge and being here. I so much want to stop it.

:hug:

 

[ThatLady]

Janet, we're all here for you! I'm so proud that you haven't hurt yourself. I know you could have if you really tried, but you didn't! That means so much to me! :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thank you. I really do believe, well, know this forum is a HUGE part of my recovery. I do like the word recovery. I am getting myself back, even though I never really had a self, or maybe she was just buried under a lot of hurt and pain and I never knew her and am finding her. I guess that's what I mean. I'm finding myself.

 

[ThatLady]

Absolutely right, Janet! You're finding yourself. You've always been there. You just couldn't see yourself, but we all saw you. We saw your heart, and your courage, and your kindness. We saw you very clearly. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I was thinking I'm not going to be a brain surgeon or find a cure for cancer. I'm not really very smart at all. But I can do little things to brighten people's days. That is going to be my goal in life. Smile, do things that let people know how special they are. I'm already thinking of things I can do for our neighbors, my sister and other people. Sometimes just an email or something can brighten my own day. So I'm just really thinking about ways to touch people's lives in a positive way.

 

[ThatLady]

That's a wonderful goal, Janet! However, don't sell yourself short. You're quite bright, and I really need you to know that. It's obvious to all of us. I think it will be to you, as well. It's just going to take a bit of time.

 

[texasgirl]

Hi Janet: I am happy that you are back. I thought about you alot. I am rooting for you too. :hug:

TG

 

[Halo]

Janet, I just wanted to say that I think the picture of you and Abby (your avatar) is absolutely adorable and it brings a smile to my face each time I see it....thank you