Can't seem to stop

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks you all.

I slipped up a little the last couple of days, but I'm telling myself it doesn't mean I'm a failure or that I've lost everything. I'm trying to forgive myself for hurting myself. That sounds weird.

It's hard. I think it's been my "friend" for so long, I feel kind of sad about giving it up.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's been a few days since I've hurt myself. I can't remember if the last time was Monday or Wednesday. It's such a struggle. Last night I was going to do it. I was literally shaking and crying struggling so hard not to and I didn't do it. I should be proud of myself, but mostly I am upset that I have this struggle to deal with in the first place.

I'm going to start making some kind of reward system for myself. Every day I don't do it maybe I should get a star and then when I get so many stars I do something nice for myself. I know that sounds so silly but I don't believe I deserve anything nice. Maybe though, if I start acting like I do deserve good things, then eventually I can believe that.

I want to completely stop so badly. I do. I really do. I know it doesn't seem like it, but at this moment I never want to hurt myself again. I know this won't last and the urges will come back, but I'm writing this down to remind myself that I can get through them without doing it. And then I step back and it all seems so silly that I'm even struggling with this in the first place. That I should out living my life, doing what I wanted to do, being a social worker, helping people. I want to cry that I let go of that dream.

I want my life to have some kind of meaning. Who could ever take me seriously? I want to help people and be a blessing and a joy to people, not a burden that I am now.

I am just so hurt about how I have made my life turn out and I am so sorry too.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am feeling better this morning. I am sorry for rambling on and on last night. It was a really bad night, but I didn't hurt myself so that is something good I guess.

 

[Cavi]

Hi Janet...I am sorry you are struggling right now...I wish I could help you...
RIMH

 

[Into The Light]

i think the reward system is a great idea! i think it will definitely help you feel better over the long run.

you know, you say you gave up your dream and wish you hadn't. it's not too late. you can heal, get well, and pursue that dream again. you can use your experiences of what you've been going through to help others.

happy easter

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm trying SO hard with this. I can go whole days without doing anything to myself. It feels really bad and I don't feel proud of myself for that, but I KNOW rationally that it's GOOD to not harm myself. Tonight I'm struggling. I feel so alone with it. I get shaky and trembly when I'm fighting these urges. It's so hard. I'm just writing, typing, rambling, hoping to get past them.

 

[Halo]

I'm just writing, typing, rambling, hoping to get past them

And if it helps then keep writing, typing, rambling, talk about anything and everything but most importantly do whatever you feel you need to do to get through the rough time....a lot of us can relate and understand that

Take care and lots of hugs and strength to you :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Nancy. I am determined to get through this night being ok. Even if I have to fold the laundry to do it. :lol:

It seems addictive to me, not the laundry, but the self injury. I just wonder if it is in a way, psychogically or maybe even physically addictive.

 

[Halo]

My way of thinking about it is that they are no so much addictive as more like automatic or a familiar habit. They are the ways that we cope in order to comfort ourselves when we have feelings and thoughts that are overwhelming and don't know how to process them within ourselves.

Like the saying goes..."old habits die hard" but I believe that old habits do die it's just a matter of time, patience and strength.

Take care Janet
:hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

That makes sense. That's what my therapist says and my doctor ( ) used to say. Somehow that makes it easier to deal with a little. For me I guess it's a compulsion that goes along with the OCD. And I triumph over it much more than I fail at it, but I don't look at the triumphs. I focus on the failures.

The last time I saw my doctor, the nurse saw I was upset and crying and she just held me for a few minutes and it was so comforting. I thought that was so sweet of her to hug me, to comfort me. She struggles with depression too and has shared stuff with me. What a sweet person she is. I don't know why I was thinking about that. I think I could use lots more hugs.

 

[Into The Light]

janet that is wonderful about the nurse. you finally had someone hold you when you really needed it. there are people out there in your life who do care and whom you can talk to. that's so important.

hang in there. i hope you got through the night ok. :hug:

 

[ThatLady]

Most of us could use a lot more hugs, Janet!

I really like the idea of giving yourself a star for each time you conquer the urge to self-harm, and when you get so many stars, awarding yourself with something that's just for you - a day at the spa, whatever would make you feel good. I think that's a great idea! :hug: