Changes, changes, changes...hopefully with better outcomes...

[Raina]

Hi,

I am diagnosed with complex PTSD, Dissociative Disorder and Schizo Affective Disorder because I was hearing voices. Thankfully the voices went quiet about a month ago...they were very abusive and loud for about three years so I don't miss them. Now I am focusing on working through my many issues around the PTSD...I am at the remembering stage...I am at the point where I am remembering bits and pieces of events and then I lay in bed and ask questions about what I remember and the gaps are filled in within a few hours.

I am not working right now. Since the voices were so abusive I had to leave work in November so that I would not get a heart attack...it was not possible to work with voices at least not for me...they were too loud and I worked in a high pressure legal environment.

I am divorced twice...both marriages terrible mistakes...not based on love and common interests and liking each other...I felt trapped and just did not know how to break away. They married me to try to lock me in...I ran away in both cases from them and the marriage...I am not not in a relationship and plan to keep it that way because I am just too messed up to have the hope of entering a healthy one.

In the past I let just about anybody who wanted to be in my life get in....I was like an open door and people saw things they wanted came in...took it and left. Now since I don't want that to keep happening...I am figuring out who I am and deciding what I would like in a friend and will screen moving forward. If it does not feel right...if I do not feel happy after being with someone or satisfied or positive...I will not see them again or not allow them to call me friend...some people are really quick to call each other friends when there really is no friendship...in my case the most people were to me were acquaintances.

I like being in school so I see that in my future now that the voices are quiet and if (please God) they stay that way. I am taking a writing course this fall since I have had ideas for novels for years and just could not put pen to paper....now I write every day...that is how I decided to start...just by journalling every day...

Since I committed to myself and my healing...I have had men hit on me...too many really...I turned them all down and they responded with hostility and hate. Now I am at the point where I will have a conversation with a man about the weather, politics, whatever anything except sex...if they want to talk sex there are millions of women out there who are interested...I am not.

I don't need people to tell me that I look good...I have a mirror and I know when I have a good day and a bad day...I find people very quick to give their two cents even when it is not welcome. I know many women who need men to pay attention to them to feel good about themselves and I am just not like that...never have been...I could easily live my life without ever getting a compliment or comment on my appearance from a man...sometimes even women annoy me. Don't get me wrong...I don't get nasty when people stop me and say I look good...but it is not something I walk around wanting or needing.

I remember there was one day I was walking to work and this woman stopped me and said you make me feel insignificant. I was appalled. I told her she looked just fine and don't let anybody make her feel that way...besides I was just walking by...I did not even know who she was...I'll never forget that...it was a sad event for me.

I joined to the forum so that I can talk about the issues that I cannot talk about with people that I first meet...I'm kind of cleaning out my mental closet...working out issues...making plans as to how I will handle things differently in the future and trying to heal my life....financially I can only dedicate two years to this and be off work so I hope I make great progress so that I can work in two years and do the work on myself outside of work hours...and hopefully it won't interfere with work....or I can win the lottery and relax and work on it full time for as long as it takes...now that is a beautiful dream...yes...I am a dreamer...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Raina.

 

[Always Changing]

Welcome to the forums Raina.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Welcome Raina!

I feel very similar, I am trying to fix my "filters." It's true when you are raised to believe things like you have to let everyone in (boundary issues) and put up with people's behaviours, it's tough to turn that thinking around. I have an awesome husband though, who is very supportive, and I do have him at my side. I find it a bit lonely going right now, because he's my only local pal who has been through thick and thin with me, but I am sure things will come along if I let them naturally.

My goal is to someday find a girl buddy to hang with, because other than my childhood (I recall having one or two girlfriends) I don't recall having a stick-together-thru-all-kinds-of-weather, not-take-advantage-of-me, not-talk-about-me-behind-my-back, negative-needy-energy-draining, boundary-respecting, non-manipulative kind of girlfriend. I've done a few experimenting but lately I still came across the negative-needy-energy-draining, manipulative-take-advantage-of-me types. I seem to have a difficult time of it, so lately I've not bothered much to even entertain the idea.

I remember there was one day I was walking to work and this woman stopped me and said you make me feel insignificant. I was appalled. I told her she looked just fine and don't let anybody make her feel that way...besides I was just walking by...I did not even know who she was...I'll never forget that...it was a sad event for me.

Anyway, very nice to meet you! It certainly sounds like you have healthy goals and you're feeling better and I really like what your reply was to that strange lady who said you made her feel insignificant. Sheesh, what an odd and rude thing to say to a complete stranger, even if she meant it as a compliment. Sounds like she had some issues of her own to deal with.