David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
CHILDREN OF DIVORCE
by Anthony Santoro, Freedom From Fear
March 2009
Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but what happens when the love fizzles out and that horse dies? The carriage problem is simple; just buy a new horse. The marriage problem is a little more difficult. Divorce is a major problem in the United States today being that, statistically speaking, 40 to 50 percent of all marriages will end in divorce. Splitting up is usually extremely difficult for any couple, however divorce gets even more complicated when instead of just involving two people, a third is added to the situation. Although couples without children have a slightly higher rate of divorce, approximately 40 percent of all divorces involve children. Since such a large portion of all divorces involve children, it is necessary to identify the effects of divorce on children, as well as the main causes of those effects.
When a couple with children decides to divorce, many questions arise: What will happen to the children? Who gets them? How much time will each child stay with one parent? Fortunately, a large majority of divorcing parents can amicably negotiate a compromise regarding child custody issues without legal assistance, and only six to 20 percent of all divorce cases involving children do need the courts to intervene. Throughout the decades there have been different custody decision trends exhibited by the courts. In past years child custody decisions seemed usually to follow the Tender Years Doctrine. This meant that most of the time the mother would gain custody over younger children, especially young girls. Although this trend lasted a number of years, recently the courts began utilizing the Least Detrimental Alternative Standard. This standard is concerned with granting custody to the parent who will negatively affect that child the least. In this circumstance, both of the child?s parents are evaluated by a psychologist or social worker, and are equally considered contenders for primary guardian.
Regardless of whether raised by their fathers or mothers, certain traits and prevalent characteristics seem to frequently transpire in children of divorce. These children may experience feelings of powerlessness and depression. It is important to note that these traits are seen in small children as irritability. The child may also store feelings of anger and act out violently. Sleeping problems can be associated with these children, as well as a decline in their schoolwork. Concerning children of divorce, self-esteem levels seem to be low and suicidal tendencies seem to be high compared to other children.
Although it might seem appropriate to blame all of the difficulties these children experience on the divorce itself, there is another aspect that probably affects these children more than the actual divorce. The child may take the initial separation hard, but the behaviors of each parent towards the child after the divorce are what will impact the child the most. Often times, the parents become preoccupied by their own problems and quarrels and lose focus on the child. Parents forget that they are the most important people in their child?s life. Instead of compromising their own anger and problems for the well being of their child, they often cause additional stress.
In 2005, Elizabeth Marquardt published her research on children of divorce. She surveyed 1,500 adults, half of who were from divorced households. She found that a large number of adults who were raised by divorced parents reported that, as children, they did not feel physically or mentally safe in their homes. Also, 44 percent of them felt that they were often alone as children. This percentage is drastically higher than those children whose parents did not divorce. Longer custody battles seem to negatively affect children during this delicate time. Parents speaking badly about each other in front of their children, or the parent negatively comparing the child to the other parent appears to be especially detrimental. Phrases such as, ?You?re just like you mother/father,? lead to issues regarding both parents, as well as may make the child want to reject his or her own identity.
Handling the situation with ease and care, however, can alleviate the hardships of divorce on a child. If both parents plan on being involved in the child?s life after the divorce, then both parents should tell the child about the divorce together. The parents need to make sure the child is aware that both parents are here for him or her and still love them. If one parent can not or will not be involved in the child?s life after the divorce, the remaining parent needs to address this to the child from the start in a straightforward, simple and clear manner.
When two parents are actively involved in the child?s life after a divorce, it is necessary that parents act cooperatively in making decisions regarding their child. In other words, they should talk to each other before telling their child that they can or cannot do something. Doing this makes the child realize that if one parent says no, the other parent won?t give in. This way the child is unable to play both parents off of one another. Two active parents are seen as strongest when both parents are in accord. Parents should always let their children know that they can be honest, as well as making their children aware that their parents are always by their side, looking out for their best interests.
Divorce will never disappear. What can disappear is the negative impact on children that is caused by parents during divorce. During this time it is easy for a parent to drown in their own worries and emotions, however they should never forget that their children are also suffering. In fact, they are most likely dealing with the most painful experience of their lives so far. Sacrificing some of their own personal concern for the betterment of their child undoubtedly shows that the parent cares. Fueled by unwavering love, this selflessness will not only greatly lessen the negative effects of divorce on the child, but also benefit the child. Being that children already have abundant love and admiration for their parent, they mirror their parents. Seeing a parent handling divorce positively may help a child grow up to be a well-adjusted, adaptable, and level headed individual. The negative effects of divorce on a child can best be remedied by a parent?s love.
Further information:
The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert Emery
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust by Nicholas Long and Rex L. Forehand
by Anthony Santoro, Freedom From Fear
March 2009
Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but what happens when the love fizzles out and that horse dies? The carriage problem is simple; just buy a new horse. The marriage problem is a little more difficult. Divorce is a major problem in the United States today being that, statistically speaking, 40 to 50 percent of all marriages will end in divorce. Splitting up is usually extremely difficult for any couple, however divorce gets even more complicated when instead of just involving two people, a third is added to the situation. Although couples without children have a slightly higher rate of divorce, approximately 40 percent of all divorces involve children. Since such a large portion of all divorces involve children, it is necessary to identify the effects of divorce on children, as well as the main causes of those effects.
When a couple with children decides to divorce, many questions arise: What will happen to the children? Who gets them? How much time will each child stay with one parent? Fortunately, a large majority of divorcing parents can amicably negotiate a compromise regarding child custody issues without legal assistance, and only six to 20 percent of all divorce cases involving children do need the courts to intervene. Throughout the decades there have been different custody decision trends exhibited by the courts. In past years child custody decisions seemed usually to follow the Tender Years Doctrine. This meant that most of the time the mother would gain custody over younger children, especially young girls. Although this trend lasted a number of years, recently the courts began utilizing the Least Detrimental Alternative Standard. This standard is concerned with granting custody to the parent who will negatively affect that child the least. In this circumstance, both of the child?s parents are evaluated by a psychologist or social worker, and are equally considered contenders for primary guardian.
Regardless of whether raised by their fathers or mothers, certain traits and prevalent characteristics seem to frequently transpire in children of divorce. These children may experience feelings of powerlessness and depression. It is important to note that these traits are seen in small children as irritability. The child may also store feelings of anger and act out violently. Sleeping problems can be associated with these children, as well as a decline in their schoolwork. Concerning children of divorce, self-esteem levels seem to be low and suicidal tendencies seem to be high compared to other children.
Although it might seem appropriate to blame all of the difficulties these children experience on the divorce itself, there is another aspect that probably affects these children more than the actual divorce. The child may take the initial separation hard, but the behaviors of each parent towards the child after the divorce are what will impact the child the most. Often times, the parents become preoccupied by their own problems and quarrels and lose focus on the child. Parents forget that they are the most important people in their child?s life. Instead of compromising their own anger and problems for the well being of their child, they often cause additional stress.
In 2005, Elizabeth Marquardt published her research on children of divorce. She surveyed 1,500 adults, half of who were from divorced households. She found that a large number of adults who were raised by divorced parents reported that, as children, they did not feel physically or mentally safe in their homes. Also, 44 percent of them felt that they were often alone as children. This percentage is drastically higher than those children whose parents did not divorce. Longer custody battles seem to negatively affect children during this delicate time. Parents speaking badly about each other in front of their children, or the parent negatively comparing the child to the other parent appears to be especially detrimental. Phrases such as, ?You?re just like you mother/father,? lead to issues regarding both parents, as well as may make the child want to reject his or her own identity.
Handling the situation with ease and care, however, can alleviate the hardships of divorce on a child. If both parents plan on being involved in the child?s life after the divorce, then both parents should tell the child about the divorce together. The parents need to make sure the child is aware that both parents are here for him or her and still love them. If one parent can not or will not be involved in the child?s life after the divorce, the remaining parent needs to address this to the child from the start in a straightforward, simple and clear manner.
When two parents are actively involved in the child?s life after a divorce, it is necessary that parents act cooperatively in making decisions regarding their child. In other words, they should talk to each other before telling their child that they can or cannot do something. Doing this makes the child realize that if one parent says no, the other parent won?t give in. This way the child is unable to play both parents off of one another. Two active parents are seen as strongest when both parents are in accord. Parents should always let their children know that they can be honest, as well as making their children aware that their parents are always by their side, looking out for their best interests.
Divorce will never disappear. What can disappear is the negative impact on children that is caused by parents during divorce. During this time it is easy for a parent to drown in their own worries and emotions, however they should never forget that their children are also suffering. In fact, they are most likely dealing with the most painful experience of their lives so far. Sacrificing some of their own personal concern for the betterment of their child undoubtedly shows that the parent cares. Fueled by unwavering love, this selflessness will not only greatly lessen the negative effects of divorce on the child, but also benefit the child. Being that children already have abundant love and admiration for their parent, they mirror their parents. Seeing a parent handling divorce positively may help a child grow up to be a well-adjusted, adaptable, and level headed individual. The negative effects of divorce on a child can best be remedied by a parent?s love.
Further information:
The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert Emery
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman
Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust by Nicholas Long and Rex L. Forehand
