Why can't we all just get along?
By Mary Ellen Brayton, MA, LLPC, NCC
March 2009
Many of you remember this outcry from Rodney King a few years ago after a vicious beating in L.A. It seems a valid question. The ability for human beings to be rational separates us from other species but the truth is, human beings tend to be more emotional than rational. We tend to react instead of reflect when something bothers us. This can get us into trouble when dealing with others.
David Burns wrote several books that are helpful. One of his latest is about relationships entitled Feeling Good Together. His approach is called Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy which consists of 3 principles:
1) We all provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about
2) We deny our own role in the conflict because self-examination is shocking and painful and because we are secretly rewarded by the problem we're complaining about
But more importantly:
3) We all have far more power than we think to transform troubled relationships - if we're willing to stop blaming the other person and focus instead on changing ourselves.
The essence of his approach comes down to communication. Communication is the critical piece in working with any relationship. The question really becomes "are we using good communication or bad communication?"
The essentials of Good Communication are (EAR):
Empathy: Acknowledge the other person's feelings and find some truth in what he or she is saying. This can be disarming to the other person and really take the wind out of their sails.
Assertiveness: Express your feelings openly, directly, and tactfully. By using "I" statements it takes the accusatory tone out of the exchange and won't put the other person on the defensive.
Respect: Convey caring and respect, even if you're feeling frustrated or annoyed with the other person. We all want respect from others. We need to give it in order to get it.
Following these three principles would help anyone having trouble with someone difficult. It sounds like common sense, but when we are dealing with emotions, common sense sometimes goes right out the door.
One other item I found helpful was looking at the list of Common Communication Errors. This can be eye opening. It's easy to see others committing these errors, but take a look and see how many of these you find yourself doing:
Common Communication Errors:
Truth: You insist that you're right and the other person is wrong.
Blame: You imply that the problem is all the other person's fault
Defensiveness: You argue and refuse to admit any flaw or shortcoming
Martyrdom: You claim that you're the innocent victim of the other person's tyranny
Labeling: You call the other person a "jerk" or "loser" or worse
Counterattack: You respond to criticism with criticism
Diversion: You change the subject or list past grievances
Self-Blame: You act as if you're awful and terrible to prevent the other person from criticizing you
Hopelessness: You claim that you've tried everything but nothing works
Demandingness: You complain that the other person "should" be the way you expect him or her to be
Passive Aggression: You say nothing, pout, or slam doors
Mind Reading: You expect the other person to know how you feel without having to tell him or her
Sound familiar? I'm sure I'm not the only one that commits these common communication errors. The trick is to catch ourselves and to break those old habits. We're never too old to change. As I tell my clients, we should think of ourselves as a work in progress. We can keep chipping away at our bad habits and reinventing ourselves in a "new and improved" version.
Ah, spring . . . a great time for a new beginning.
By Mary Ellen Brayton, MA, LLPC, NCC
March 2009
Many of you remember this outcry from Rodney King a few years ago after a vicious beating in L.A. It seems a valid question. The ability for human beings to be rational separates us from other species but the truth is, human beings tend to be more emotional than rational. We tend to react instead of reflect when something bothers us. This can get us into trouble when dealing with others.
David Burns wrote several books that are helpful. One of his latest is about relationships entitled Feeling Good Together. His approach is called Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy which consists of 3 principles:
1) We all provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about
2) We deny our own role in the conflict because self-examination is shocking and painful and because we are secretly rewarded by the problem we're complaining about
But more importantly:
3) We all have far more power than we think to transform troubled relationships - if we're willing to stop blaming the other person and focus instead on changing ourselves.
The essence of his approach comes down to communication. Communication is the critical piece in working with any relationship. The question really becomes "are we using good communication or bad communication?"
The essentials of Good Communication are (EAR):
Empathy: Acknowledge the other person's feelings and find some truth in what he or she is saying. This can be disarming to the other person and really take the wind out of their sails.
Assertiveness: Express your feelings openly, directly, and tactfully. By using "I" statements it takes the accusatory tone out of the exchange and won't put the other person on the defensive.
Respect: Convey caring and respect, even if you're feeling frustrated or annoyed with the other person. We all want respect from others. We need to give it in order to get it.
Following these three principles would help anyone having trouble with someone difficult. It sounds like common sense, but when we are dealing with emotions, common sense sometimes goes right out the door.
One other item I found helpful was looking at the list of Common Communication Errors. This can be eye opening. It's easy to see others committing these errors, but take a look and see how many of these you find yourself doing:
Common Communication Errors:
Truth: You insist that you're right and the other person is wrong.
Blame: You imply that the problem is all the other person's fault
Defensiveness: You argue and refuse to admit any flaw or shortcoming
Martyrdom: You claim that you're the innocent victim of the other person's tyranny
Labeling: You call the other person a "jerk" or "loser" or worse
Counterattack: You respond to criticism with criticism
Diversion: You change the subject or list past grievances
Self-Blame: You act as if you're awful and terrible to prevent the other person from criticizing you
Hopelessness: You claim that you've tried everything but nothing works
Demandingness: You complain that the other person "should" be the way you expect him or her to be
Passive Aggression: You say nothing, pout, or slam doors
Mind Reading: You expect the other person to know how you feel without having to tell him or her
Sound familiar? I'm sure I'm not the only one that commits these common communication errors. The trick is to catch ourselves and to break those old habits. We're never too old to change. As I tell my clients, we should think of ourselves as a work in progress. We can keep chipping away at our bad habits and reinventing ourselves in a "new and improved" version.
Ah, spring . . . a great time for a new beginning.
