Communicating with the One You Love

[David Baxter PhD]

Communicating with the One You Love
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
Thu, Feb 28 2008

All of us have our insecurities, and some of us have our secrets. Sometimes we share these with the ones we love, and sometimes we feel trapped, ashamed or simply unable to do so. Sometimes our insecurities are just the random issues of self-esteem or feeling like we?re not good enough in anything we do, often as a result of our childhood or just bad experiences as a young adult or teen. And sometimes we don?t share things because we?re ashamed of something that we feel others wouldn?t understand. Even those we love and hold close to our hearts.

To the one who later learns of the insecurities or secrets, it feels like a betrayal of the love and trust and everything they hold dear in the relationship. It?s not about the actual thing not shared. It?s about the other?s inability or unwillingness to share it. Some people have a hard time understanding this, and focus only on why they didn?t share it. They don?t understand that the other person, the one who feels betrayed, doesn?t really care about that so much. They only care that the choice was made to keep this issue from them.

In relationships we?ve always said that communication is key. Communication means not just talking about the easy, simple things in our life (?I?m angry when you say you?re going to take out the trash but then you don?t.?). It also means talking about the most scariest and difficult things in your life. Those things you may not even feel comfortable talking to yourself about, or acknowledging or giving them the time of day.

That?s a warning sign, too. If you don?t feel comfortable acknowledging this to yourself, then it?s something you?re clearly not comfortable with. You have to find a way ? whether through self-reflection, therapy, a self-help group, whatever ? to overcome that discomfort and open up. Because communication with your significant other ? ?opening up? ? is the only thing that makes that person different from your best friend or your favorite sibling.

If you love another with all of your heart, you may benefit in finding a way to share your most intimate, dark secrets with that person before they come out in some other, unexpected way. It?s never too late to do so. In most cases, I think you?ll be pleasantly surprised by your significant other?s positive reaction to your sharing.

 

[Retired]

sometimes we don?t share things because we?re ashamed of something that we feel others wouldn?t understand

So, what's the key to breaking through this apprehension to share our deepest darkest secret, from the one who loves us?

How does one go about opening that conversation?

 

[suewatters1]

How do you communicate with someone who is shy. You open up to him share your secrets and he is there for you then he is busy with work. But he also doesn't pick up the phone some days or answer the door when you stop by his place. Then maybe a few days later you call and you chat like nothing happened. I wonder what was on his mind. Then I might talk to him briefly during the week then he closes himself off again and you don't hear a thing from him for a week or so. Then when you next call him he talks about his life as child and the hell he went through so you know if the guy shares this then he must care somehow because you don't share stuff like that even with your best friends. So then a few days later he comes to my house to help me fix something and says make me a list of stuff you need done and I will help you. After well after that we talked a couple of times briefly on the phone then the silent treatment. He doesn't answer his phone or the door.

Like he opens up to me then he shuts down. We both had bad relationships before we have been scarred from it. It is like a yo yo. Ups and down. I have insecurities also about being liked as a person and I know he likes me and enjoy our long talks but then he has this wall between us. I know he has issues like anxiety stress PTSD and dealing with his past and busy with work.
So while he ignores me how do I not take it personally? I feel like I am doing something wrong. The rejections hurt so much like it's unbelievable like being stab with a knife.
We both have been helping each other with our issues and he appreciated my help. But the silent treatment really really hurts.

How do you deal with it?
Sue

 

[Into The Light]

have you talked to him about it?

it sounds to me like he withdraws and isolates himself on the days that he is struggling. on the days that he's doing ok is when he comes out of his shell.

it's not something you are doing wrong. i suspect it's a result of his condition, the ptsd and the anxiety and there probably is depression to go along with that too. that's not something you have caused to happen. i know for me that when i get depressed (the clinical depression, not your average feeling down) i withdraw, i can't interact much, and i can't take a whole lot. everything just overwhelms me. i think probably this is what's happening to him on the days that he isn't available.

i would try to open the dialogue with him on a day that you see him again, and say something like "i worry that when you aren't available that it's something i have done. it's probably because of your ptsd/anxiety/fill in the blank, but i can't help but worry. is it something i have done?"

from there you can continue the dialog, he'll probably indicate what the problem is for him on those days, and you can work out some kind of agreement that maybe he could let you know if he's starting to hit another few days that are difficult for him. at least that way you know what's going on, you'll know it wasn't you, and that you'll see him again soon. or something else that works for you both.

 

[Into The Light]

So, what's the key to breaking through this apprehension to share our deepest darkest secret, from the one who loves us?

How does one go about opening that conversation?

i think a number of things are needed.

- the desire to share
- the right moment
- the right setting
- testing the waters
- practice

i find what often helps to talk about more personal stuff is when you have privacy, time to talk, and while you are actually doing something together. there is an activity to "distract." for example, taking a walk together, or while you're going for a drive. it makes things a little more casual and relaxed. you can then carefully steer the conversation toward the direction you would like to go. or just jump right into it. whatever your personal style is

 

[suewatters1]

I tried to but it is hard for me to get the right words out so I sent him an Email.
I know he says he once said to his counselor how very nervous he is when he visits me. But he didn't tell me but it was his way of letting me know So maybe he scared of jumping into a relationship afraid to get hurt again. Well I feel the same way.
I know my depression when it hits me it hurts. I close myself off to most people except him. If feel we are soul mates. We can talk for hours on the phone and we are so comfortable doing it. What is the phrase time flies when we are having fun?

I want to be able to talk to him face to face and ask him what is the problem that I am there for him. He know I am there for him I let him know that and he appreciates it.

Thanks for your support

Sue

ITL we don't do much together except talk on the phone or my brief visit outside his place. We aren't officially dating or anything just friends. Also we don't go nowhere together except outside his place or inside my place.
I have know him for a years but we drifted off because of our own issues and him closing himself off to the world. We both have self esteem issues but together we get along so good like we compliment each other like soul mates.

So could it be that with his life being so busy right now and his possibly having ADHD and all the other stuff he is just testing the waters to see how nervous he feels. So it could be he is afraid to start a relationship with me because he likes me but afraid what this might lead to?

Thanks Again ITL

Sue

 

[Into The Light]

that is one possibility. but you won't know for sure unless you broach the subject with him.

you can talk to him on the phone about it, or if you're sitting together on a sofa or something. the whole idea is that you're not sitting across from each other staring at one another when you start to talk a little about the more private things. you could start of with something like, "so, i've been thinking..." and take it from there.

hope this helps

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks ITL it does help. So I should just give him breathing room.
But also he was helping me with a problem I had at work and in his line of work I could use his help. So there is personal reason and professional reason for our relationship

Thanks Again

Sue
My mouse is not working properly I added an smiley by accident.

 

[Lana]

Why do we need to tell about our deepest darkest secrets in the first place? I tend to think that if it has no bearing on the relationship, if whatever I tell will only impact my insecurity/paranoia, make me very vulnerable in a negative way and won't add value to anything else, why bother? Some things are better left unsaid.

 

[sister-ray]

I think its important in a close relationship to tell all and just be open and honest with your partner, sometimes if you keep secrets from the one you love they have habit have coming back to get you and spoiling things and causing hurt and turmoil in the relationship ,whereas if you both have been totally honest about everything nothing cant hurt you or spoil your relationship, if you really love someone and they love you they will accept even your darkest deepest secrets and you will accept theirs.

 

[Into The Light]

sue, i'm not sure why you are concluding you need to give him some breathing room? or has my feedback helped make you feel better about him withdrawing? not that there is anything wrong with giving him space - if you think that is what the situation calls for. i can't judge that from this distance

 

[Lana]

I think its important in a close relationship to tell all and just be open and honest with your partner, sometimes if you keep secrets from the one you love they have habit have coming back to get you and spoiling things and causing hurt and turmoil in the relationship ,whereas if you both have been totally honest about everything nothing cant hurt you or spoil your relationship, if you really love someone and they love you they will accept even your darkest deepest secrets and you will accept theirs.

Hmmm....I partially agree, yet still, there are some things that are done and gone and disclosure would do absolutely nothing but, potentially, hurt the partner. I don't know if I agree with the notion that I have to spill all the beans in the name of total honesty and acceptance.

I guess I'm of the thought that if the secrets have no bearing on you, your life, or relationship, then it's ok to let put them to rest and not ressurect the hurt (for both people) just so you can say you've been "honest".

However, if the secret has potential to influence the relationship, then I can see the importance of disclosure. Though here, I tend to think it's almost an obligation to fess up because lack of doing so means you entered the relationship on the false pretenses.

And still, I think the line between "tell" and "don't tell" is very foggy for me. If telling is about trusting that you'll be accepted and loved, then it shouldn't matter when you told or if you told at all. If that love and acceptance are real, they should be able to withstand discovery. So in essence, you either love and accept me and it won't matter....but if it matters, then the love and acceptance is not real. Otherwise it almost seems like a manipulation to me: you must tell all to me and I'll love aned accept you...if you don't, then you're a liar and dishonest, and blah blah blah. Know what I mean?

 

[Lana]

P.S. Afterthought....I feel that exposure of your deepest darkest secrets is more of a gift to the listener. It communicates trust, faith, vlunerability, and a whole pile of things that just cannot be asked of. So, personally, for me, if a person, after years, told me something that private, I think I'd feel honored to have been trusted with it and find the understanding within on why they didn't want to tell it in the first place.

Yeesh...hope all this makes sense.

 

[suewatters1]

Hi ITL your advice was great. The breathing room I was talking about was giving him sometime to decide what he personally wants. So the next time he has a deep conversation with me then I can bring it up an talk to him. I don't want to push him away but also when he talks to me about more personal stuff instead of general stuff then I can talk to him and ask why is it he is acting this way.

I will keep you posted.

Sue