Concerned about My Daughter

[stargazer]

It isn't uncommon for her not to return a phone call, even under normal circumstances. Somehow, it was never brought into her field of etiquette that the courteous thing to do is to return phone calls. This has also been frustrating to my sister, her Aunt, who lives nearby; and with whom my daughter herself has said she would like to get together. But when she doesn't return phone calls (or e-mails), it makes it almost impossible to arrange such events.

Meanwhile, my sister thinks it would be a good idea for her to come over for dinner. Maybe me (as her dad) is not quite the receptive ear that she needs right now. Also, I am not nearly as objective as my sister will be, under these circumstances.

In short, she has not called--but this is not unusual.

What TexasGirl says is true: "As a parent, kids are always in the back of your mind." Thanks for the two of your notes. This caused me, early on awakening, to read through the entire thread. I think what my daughter is doing is avoiding me because she is afraid of somehow igniting my own volatility. Let's face it: I got mad and hung up on her on the phone.

I also brought the drinking theory unwisely into the picture. She may or may not be drinking, and looking back, I'd not have even suspected it had not my friend Jim made mention of it. Sometimes she slurs her words early in the morning, and while she may have been drinking the previous night, I have never made an issue of it till now. She still went to work, went to school, changed her clothes, and so forth.

So, I believe she is avoiding me until some such time as her situation is together enough that she is not going to arouse my fear, anger, or guilt. My guilt she does not need, either.

I'll call her again next Friday morning. Fridays are historically the days when she has been in the best of moods.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

So, there is a possibility that she has been unjustly "accused" and is hurt by that and by your hanging up on her...

You might try leaving a voicemail where you apologize for jumping to conclusions - let her know it's about worrying about her, as any parent does, but that you recognize that "convicting her without a trial" was unfair.

 

[stargazer]

During the first couple days after the hang-up on the phone, I left both a voice-mail and a message on her MySpace to that effect. Do you think it would be a good idea to reiterate those now? It might well be that the messages spoke more of my immediate guilt at the time, than they did out of any more genuine conviction such as I expressed here this morning.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think sincere concern is ever a bad thing to express, SG. I do know if she were my daughter, I'd leave another message.

 

[stargazer]

I've also thought about it, and I believe that's what I'll do. I'm kind of beat right now--very beat, in fact. It just turned midnight, and I spent almost all day on public transportation just to get to a two hour meeting in a distant locale. The meeting was great, however, and we were all encouraged about the camp coming up.

Anyway, in the morning, I'll send her an e-mail or MySpace message, or maybe even another voice mail message, although I did leave a message on Friday, as mentioned earlier. I tend to think more clearly in the morning, and I'm up past my bedtime and much in need of sleep. But I wanted to check and see if you'd replied.

 

[stargazer]

I left here this message this morning:

Dear Angela,

I am so sorry that I must have hurt you. I know I can get really worked up at times. I know you know I have been stuggling with my own transition, and that you probably haven't contacted me, partly out of respect for that. At the same time, I so want to hear from you, because, as any parent would, I have worried. At the same time, I know you are a survivor, and a resourceful person, who always pulls through.

I'm pretty well settled now, and will be at the apartment here throughout July. (She asked me to stay through August, but it was financially unfeasible.) The meeting for the summer camp was yesterday, and I think it's going to be a lot of fun. If I can hang in there, I may have a permanent job in San Jose after the camp.

So I am doing well. I hope you will call me soon. I don't think it will be a negative event when you call this time. I love you.

Love,
Dad.

For some reason, I thought it would help if I called her by her birth name, which I do about 1/3 of the time. I never call her by that to other people, but to her sometimes I do. Please let me know what you think.

 

[Halo]

I think it sounds like a caring, thoughtful and honest message from a father to a daughter.

Good Job SG

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's an excellent message, SG. :2thumbs:

 

[stargazer]

Thanks, both of you. And thanks for your support & counsel in this matter. I've done what I can do, for now.

 

[stargazer]

I know it's only been two days--four days since the phone message--and it's not just that she hasn't yet replied, but that I somehow "sense" that she won't reply. And earlier, I was thinking I'd leave her a message every Friday, but now I think that I should just leave her alone until she calls me. I've got to let go. And I can. I'm perceiving from afar that she needs to walk through something that I'm not going to be able to hold her hand throughout. So I've got to allow her that liberty.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's not surprising that you're worried but it's also important to know when you've done what you can and just need to leave the rest to her.

Your last message (assuming she's received it yet - I'm not sure if this was voicemail, email, or online) said what you wanted to say. She may feel she needs time to decide how to respond, or maybe just time to continue to be angry with you (if that's what she's feeling).

Either way, I don't know what else there is to do that you haven't already done.

 

[stargazer]

I'm not sure if this was voicemail, email, or online)

It was left on her MySpace, which is usually the quickest way to get ahold of her. However, come to think of it, I haven't seen an indicator that she's been on MySpace lately. (She would light up on my friends list if she had been.) So it's possible she hasn't even received the message yet.

It's not surprising that you're worried but it's also important to know when you've done what you can and just need to leave the rest to her.

That's pretty much what I've been needing to hear. Thank you. I don't feel it will be worthwhile to keep pursuing this, even by leaving a regular weekly message (as though to demonstrate consistency--that had been my original thought.) The strongest statement at this time will be made in silence and detachment.

Your last message said what you wanted to say.

That's right.

She may feel she needs time to decide how to respond, or maybe just time to continue to be angry with you (if that's what she's feeling).

Of course, I don't know what she's feeling, since she hasn't communicated it, but knowing her, it usually takes a while before she can effectively communicate what she's feeling in such a way as she can remain "in control." She was always a very strong-willed child, and it's very important to her to be "running the show." Both my ex and I always perceived this about her. In other words, she's not going to contact me until she has it planned out in such a way as will avoid any chance of disagreement between me and her.

It might take a matter of three or four months. That's what happened the last time we had a spat, which was in Berkeley, after I'd left San Jose, and I'd not yet resigned myself to return to Lodi (and was spending all the money on the motel rooms, and writing the flute sonata, etc.)

Anyway, I know Angela loves me...she's my flesh and blood, and she won't stay away forever.

Either way, I don't know what else there is to do that you haven't already done.

That's right. And it's also a relief. I can let go now.

 

[ThatLady]

You've done what you can, stargazer. This may be a path that Angela needs to walk alone. Sometimes, we each have that need.

Your letter to her was loving, caring and not judgemental. Now, it's up to her. Just keep loving her. When she's completed her own journey, her steps will turn toward her emotional "home" and those who love her.

 

[stargazer]

That was well-put, ThatLady. Thank you.

 

[Gemini]

Stargazer you sound like a very caring and loving father and I am sure that she will come back to you when she is ready.

 

[stargazer]

Thank you, Gemini.

 

[Gemini]

You're welcome

 

[stargazer]

This doesn't seem to ever end somehow. In this day and age, there are so many different communication devices, it gets messy sometimes, at least in my mind.

She came on Y!M today. I debated whether to say "hi" -- then I thought, well if I say "hi," maybe she'll say "hi" back. But she didn't. Then I waited about an hour, and I wrote:

"i sent you a MySpace message on around Sunday--if you haven't been there, please check it, and please get ahold of me when you can--I love you."

Now I'm shutting down the computer and I'm getting out of the house. I don't work till tomorrow, but it's a sunny day and I gotta get outside. Maybe she'll get back to me. I hope I'm not pushing things.

I don't understand why she can't just say something.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Two thoughts:

1. Perhaps she's still upset with you and not ready to talk and/or doesn't feel you've yet been "punished" enough.

2. The default behavior for most IMs is for them to load automatically when the computer boots up (I hated this so I prevent them from doing this). What that means is that those individuals who acccept the default behavior may appear to be on line when they really are not (until the default time out of 15 minutes or whatever). My habit when I wake up is to boot up my computer and go get the coffee started, brush my teeth, etc., so if my IM wasn't disabled I'd be away from the computer but apparently online and ignoring people for perhaps 15-20 minutes, depending on the morning.

The good news is that she appeared as online to you, meaning she hasn't blocked you - if you were blocked, she'd never display as online for you.

 

[stargazer]

Two thoughts:
1. Perhaps she's still upset with you and not ready to talk and/or doesn't feel you've yet been "punished" enough.

That's occurred to me as well. Also, and perhaps more profoundly, I awoke early this morning with a clear sense of what this might very well be. In her mind, it's about grieving the loss of her best friend, who died in her very bedroom. That's got to be incredibly traumatic. Also in her mind, she perceives (partly correctly) that in MY mind, it's about a "hassle between father and daughter" that needs resolution (in MY mind). She doesn't have enough psychic space in her head right now to accomodate both issues simultaneously. She's basically afraid to contact me because she fears it will devolve into a father/daughter issue, thus impeding her ability to grieve.

2. The default behavior for most IMs is for them to load automatically when the computer boots up (I hated this so I prevent them from doing this). What that means is that those individuals who acccept the default behavior may appear to be on line when they really are not (until the default time out of 15 minutes or whatever). My habit when I wake up is to boot up my computer and go get the coffee started, brush my teeth, etc., so if my IM wasn't disabled I'd be away from the computer but apparently online and ignoring people for perhaps 15-20 minutes, depending on the morning.

I should probably prevent my Y!M and AIM from doing this too. I hate it, but I've never done anything about it. She might very well appear to be online when she isn't even at her computer, for that matter. I've run into problems with this in the past, when someone suddenly accused me of ignoring them, when all the while I hadn't even known they were there. Once it happened when I was at a job interview, using the laptop to show someone some music notation files. All of a sudden I got a nasty message from a chat friend of mine. It was pretty disorienting, and also consumed the screen in such a way that he and I both saw it. I said something to her about it later, and she responded by removing me from her list of chat friends.

I never even knew I was on her list to begin with.

The good news is that she appeared as online to you, meaning she hasn't blocked you - if you were blocked, she'd never display as online for you.

That is indeed good news. At least she hasn't blocked me!