hi i have been seeing a therapist for a year now and have a big problem now. i have formed a real attachment towards her and can say it, i have fallen so deeply in love with her. every time when she is out for an emergency or out sick. i get so concern and feel very hurt for her. i leave messages on her voice mail. she has explained to me over and over that there will never be a friendship or anything else besides client/theraputic relationship. i have learned to accept that. but my feelings are still with me. i had a session with Lilly yesterday and we talked this out and she knows how i feel she asked if it was time for a transfer. it made me even more hurt inside. i could bearly give her an answer without tears coming down my face. i have relied on her and trusted her with all my issues and really hate to change. i am going through alot of pain and hurt and do not know what to do. i asked for a hug from her and she hugged back and said no more... i am thinking of leaving the building so i do not see her at all. if that would help. any advice would be appreciate thank you
- Thread starter Lynnie
- Start date
Ashley-Kate
MVP
hello
hello well
hopefuly this information will be of use to you ... I believe that if you are seeing a therapist it is because you need help so well i hope you understan when i say it may be best that you see someone else because if you need help it is not by worrying about your therapist that you will get it .. it happens very freequently that a patient will have feeilings for his or her therapist and if it encoureages you a bit your not alone and well you should see someone else because that is what you were there for to get help you fell in love with this person cause she helped oyu and made you feel safe in someway and loved probably why you got attatched now it may be time to let go
yours truly ashley-kate
hello well
hopefuly this information will be of use to you ... I believe that if you are seeing a therapist it is because you need help so well i hope you understan when i say it may be best that you see someone else because if you need help it is not by worrying about your therapist that you will get it .. it happens very freequently that a patient will have feeilings for his or her therapist and if it encoureages you a bit your not alone and well you should see someone else because that is what you were there for to get help you fell in love with this person cause she helped oyu and made you feel safe in someway and loved probably why you got attatched now it may be time to let go
yours truly ashley-kate
confused about changing therapists. any advice
hello ashley kate. i have a session with Lilly in 2 weeks and i am going to ask her for help on emotions and see if she can help me on this problem. as she is very open mined. if i can not shake this anymore i will find another therapist. infact i was thinking of it today. i am still going through the hurt and rejection..don't know why i am wasting my time on someone who is never going to return my feelings. i will find a therapist else where and it will not be in the same building where Lilly works. Thx Deb
hello ashley kate. i have a session with Lilly in 2 weeks and i am going to ask her for help on emotions and see if she can help me on this problem. as she is very open mined. if i can not shake this anymore i will find another therapist. infact i was thinking of it today. i am still going through the hurt and rejection..don't know why i am wasting my time on someone who is never going to return my feelings. i will find a therapist else where and it will not be in the same building where Lilly works. Thx Deb
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
But you didn't start seeing this therapist because you wanted to date her but because you had some problems you needed help with. The therapist is doing her job and behaving appropriately and professionally. The problem is that you won't accept that this is a transference issue and because of that you feel rejected and betrayed by her.Lynnie said:
That may not be a bad idea under the circumstances but you will need to be careful that you don't make the same mistakes with your next therapist.
Ashley-Kate
MVP
good thinking
hello deb ,
like david said it is a great idea to change people and maybe evn buildings cause well you started seeing a therapist for help and not for a realtionship .. the next time just try thinking more laong the line they are there to help you they want you to feel better with yourself before feeling good just by being with people they are there to help you talk and to listen and analyse why you feel certain ways it's their job just like a cardiologist jod is to treet heart disease hers is to treat minds
ashley
continue in the way you are going you will get better and feel okay soon
your's trully ashley
hello deb ,
like david said it is a great idea to change people and maybe evn buildings cause well you started seeing a therapist for help and not for a realtionship .. the next time just try thinking more laong the line they are there to help you they want you to feel better with yourself before feeling good just by being with people they are there to help you talk and to listen and analyse why you feel certain ways it's their job just like a cardiologist jod is to treet heart disease hers is to treat minds
ashley
continue in the way you are going you will get better and feel okay soon
your's trully ashley
kiddo
Member
David Baxter said:
David - Having feelings for your therapist is not a MISTAKE! No feelings are mistakes. It really bothers me that you said this. I am in the same boat as Lynnie, and am so attached to my beautiful therapist, and i can assure you this is no mistake.
Lynnie - I dont have any advice for you, except that your feelings are not wrong or invalid. It is so normal for you to feel this feeling of rejection from Lilly, I would feel exactly the same way if Karen were to say the same.The thing I keep trying to tell myself and understand is that no matter what they say or do, it is always in the best interest of the patients. She cares for you, it is obvious because of that hug! Karen never has hugged me. She cares, tell yourself that again and again.
hang in there until your next session, it will all get sorted out. ok?
lots of hugs ~Jan
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I'll leave that for you and your therapist to resolve, wantingKEE.
Just try to keep in mind why you started therapy in the first place and ask yourself whether your obsession with your therapist is helping you progress toward those goals.
Just try to keep in mind why you started therapy in the first place and ask yourself whether your obsession with your therapist is helping you progress toward those goals.
confused about changing therapists...any advice
hi all thanks david, ashley and wantingKee for helping out with your opinions. i am sure things will get straighten out no matter what. yes it hurts very much being rejected by someone that you are so in love with. feelings are feelings we are all human. i even know if i had met Lilly somewhere else besides being a therapist, like in a gym for example, i know it would be love at first sight. i just can't believe pyschologists think the term transference.. i have let everything go in my past and do not remember anything. thank you again you too hang in with Karen Jan, things will get better for you too. Deb
hi all thanks david, ashley and wantingKee for helping out with your opinions. i am sure things will get straighten out no matter what. yes it hurts very much being rejected by someone that you are so in love with. feelings are feelings we are all human. i even know if i had met Lilly somewhere else besides being a therapist, like in a gym for example, i know it would be love at first sight. i just can't believe pyschologists think the term transference.. i have let everything go in my past and do not remember anything. thank you again you too hang in with Karen Jan, things will get better for you too. Deb
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Lynnie, click on the "pm" button at the bottom of any post by the person you want to contact, or the "Send private message" link in the column to the left of the that person's post, or the "email button" at the bottom of the person's post.
ThatLady
Member
I think rejection is far too strong a word, or concept, to use in these cases. You're not being rejected. Your wishes to turn a professional relationship into a personal relationship are, however, being rebuffed. There's a huge difference between being rejected and being rebuffed.
Dr. Baxter made an excellent point that you really need to consider more deeply. You went to your therapist in the first place for help in dealing with depression and other life problems. You did not go to find your one true love.
Transferrence is a very real problem in psychotherapy, and often in medicine in general. It is encountered very, very often. It isn't something the psychologists/psychiatrists (and other medical professionals) make up to get people off their backs. It's a problem that both the patient and the professional must deal with; otherwise, it will interfere with the healing process. Healing is what you are seeking. Try to keep that foremost in your minds.
Dr. Baxter made an excellent point that you really need to consider more deeply. You went to your therapist in the first place for help in dealing with depression and other life problems. You did not go to find your one true love.
Transferrence is a very real problem in psychotherapy, and often in medicine in general. It is encountered very, very often. It isn't something the psychologists/psychiatrists (and other medical professionals) make up to get people off their backs. It's a problem that both the patient and the professional must deal with; otherwise, it will interfere with the healing process. Healing is what you are seeking. Try to keep that foremost in your minds.
Transference..and advice
hi That Lady so you are saying therapists make up the word transference to get off their backs, then why did mine tell me she was very open mine about how i feel about her and is comfortable with it. she said she is going to continue to work with me and if i can not deal with my emotions much longer then i need to switch to another therapist and start over. she should of been honest with me when she did mention it is transference when i first told her how i was developing those feelings. sounds to me therapists rather hurt their clients in some sort of way rather than help.
hi That Lady so you are saying therapists make up the word transference to get off their backs, then why did mine tell me she was very open mine about how i feel about her and is comfortable with it. she said she is going to continue to work with me and if i can not deal with my emotions much longer then i need to switch to another therapist and start over. she should of been honest with me when she did mention it is transference when i first told her how i was developing those feelings. sounds to me therapists rather hurt their clients in some sort of way rather than help.
Hi Lynnie,
I think ThatLady meant the opposite, that is, therapists do not make up the word transference to get people off their backs. It's very real and I can speak from experience.
I've been seeing a therapist off and on for the last several years (I'm currently in an "off" state), and I developed an infatuation with him. I'm not sure if he knows it or not but I think he may have some idea. And I'm not even sure myself what it is but I would just like to spend as much time with him as possible. And it's difficult since I am married and I know he would never act on it but I still seem to think about him all the time. It's frustrating.
Anyway, I'm basically biding my time until these feelings go away, I tell myself all sorts of things, for example: I know absolutely nothing about him, he could be a complete jerk outside of work (I doubt it but you never know), if we were to become friends (or whatever) outside of the office - anything I tell him would no longer be confidential and he knows way too much about me, basically the more I really think about it - the more uncomfortable I think I would feel about having a personal relationship with him but my heart doesn't think very well.
However, I wish you all the best Lynnie and I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who falls in love with their therapist. I hope things work out for you.
Take care.
I think ThatLady meant the opposite, that is, therapists do not make up the word transference to get people off their backs. It's very real and I can speak from experience.
I've been seeing a therapist off and on for the last several years (I'm currently in an "off" state), and I developed an infatuation with him. I'm not sure if he knows it or not but I think he may have some idea. And I'm not even sure myself what it is but I would just like to spend as much time with him as possible. And it's difficult since I am married and I know he would never act on it but I still seem to think about him all the time. It's frustrating.
Anyway, I'm basically biding my time until these feelings go away, I tell myself all sorts of things, for example: I know absolutely nothing about him, he could be a complete jerk outside of work (I doubt it but you never know), if we were to become friends (or whatever) outside of the office - anything I tell him would no longer be confidential and he knows way too much about me, basically the more I really think about it - the more uncomfortable I think I would feel about having a personal relationship with him but my heart doesn't think very well.
However, I wish you all the best Lynnie and I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who falls in love with their therapist. I hope things work out for you.
Take care.
ThatLady
Member
I, indeed, did say that therapists do NOT make up the word transference to get their clients off their backs. Transference IS a real problem. The fact that your therapist is willing to make the effort to work through this problem with you, Lynnie, is a good thing. However, as you said, she has made it clear that if the problem of transference cannot be dealt with appropriately (if you cannot control your emotions with regard to the therapis), you will need to seek another therapist. That seems a fair deal to me. She's looking out for what's best for you, and what will help you to heal. That's her job. Sounds like she's doing it very well.
confused about changing therapists.... any advice
hi that lady. ok thx i misunderstood the words. i am so uptight as Lilly said that word to my face. infact i looked up that word to see the definition of it cause i never heard of it and never gone through it until now. right now, i am too degusted to even think of how i feel about her. i might be going into the negative pattern right now. so what i am thinking of the love i had for her was a waste. and i will memorize that. truthfully, i will continue to treat her with respect and say hi go in and have a session then get out. i still say feelings are feelings we are all human. but i understand NOT on a therapist no., as they are to help with issues. Lynnie
hi that lady. ok thx i misunderstood the words. i am so uptight as Lilly said that word to my face. infact i looked up that word to see the definition of it cause i never heard of it and never gone through it until now. right now, i am too degusted to even think of how i feel about her. i might be going into the negative pattern right now. so what i am thinking of the love i had for her was a waste. and i will memorize that. truthfully, i will continue to treat her with respect and say hi go in and have a session then get out. i still say feelings are feelings we are all human. but i understand NOT on a therapist no., as they are to help with issues. Lynnie
transference?
Hi Mary, Deb here glad to hear someone else has the same issue. it is something that is normal and very hard to deal with, as we are all human and have feelings. i am struggling so hard. with mine. she is so attractive. and i would love to be with her every minute of the day. but realize i can not. she has bounderies[rules to obey.], so i accepted them i know if i had met her else where besides in a therapy office, i still would of become attracted to her. i hope you can work out your issues with your therapist and i can understand how it must be especially if you are married. hang in there Mary. and keep me posted.. Love, Lynnie
Hi Mary, Deb here glad to hear someone else has the same issue. it is something that is normal and very hard to deal with, as we are all human and have feelings. i am struggling so hard. with mine. she is so attractive. and i would love to be with her every minute of the day. but realize i can not. she has bounderies[rules to obey.], so i accepted them i know if i had met her else where besides in a therapy office, i still would of become attracted to her. i hope you can work out your issues with your therapist and i can understand how it must be especially if you are married. hang in there Mary. and keep me posted.. Love, Lynnie
Confused about changing therapists --any advice
Hi everyone, just to let you know, things are working out much better. I am staying with my current therapist. I am getting alot of help with dealing with emotions''. but truthfully, my feelings are still on her, but not so strong. And she did explain to me it was not a MISTAKE. transference does occur to some people. take care, Lynnie
Hi everyone, just to let you know, things are working out much better. I am staying with my current therapist. I am getting alot of help with dealing with emotions''. but truthfully, my feelings are still on her, but not so strong. And she did explain to me it was not a MISTAKE. transference does occur to some people. take care, Lynnie
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
To clarify, Lynnie, I'm not saying that transference is a mistake. The reference to "making the same mistake" was in confusing transference with love.
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