Confused About My Sister

[GDPR]

I could really use some comfort and support from my sister this week.She knows about my husbands illness and upcoming surgery and I am curious whether I will even hear from her.

If I don't I honestly don't think I can be there for her at all anymore.It will really hurt and make me feel like I don't even matter.And I won't allow her to use me in her times of need anymore and I will most likely tell her exactly what I think and feel the next time she tries to.

Maybe she will surprise me and actually be there for me but I think I need to accept that she's not going to.Just thinking that she's not hurts and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by hoping she will.

This really makes me realize just how messed up my relationship with her is.I also realize how messed up she is and how ridiculous it is for her to use me for comfort and support when she doesn't want me in her life any other time.WTH is all I can think about this right now.This is so messed up.

 

[Retired]

She knows about my husbands illness and upcoming surgery and I am curious whether I will even hear from her.....I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by hoping she will.

Exactly, you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment.

Let your sister's actions indicate how you will interact with her in the future.

 

[MHealthJo]

You've got some good clarity here LIT. Good work.

Being treated in a 'doormat' sort of way by somebody, really can make a person feel, well... flattened and dirty, and dehumanised.

It's lucky that we can choose not to be treated like one, and that we can give people a chance to know that we're actually people too (gasp!) and that we're quite open to relating person-to-person, if the person ever learns what that means and becomes capable / committed to that kind of relating.

 

[GDPR]

I haven't heard from her and to be honest it really hurts.

I am not devastated or anything though, just hurt that she is the way she is.

 

[MHealthJo]

Very understandable. :/

 

[David Baxter PhD]

At least this time you were prepared to be let down and therefore better able to cope when the inevitable happened.

It is sad. But that is who she is and wishing won't make her different. Some people are givers and some are just takers. In healthy relationships, there is an exchange of both. In unhealthy relationships, it is just one way.


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[rdw]

In unhealthy relationships, it is just one way.

This statement really resonates with me - thank you!

 

[PrincessX]

Right, resonates to me as well.
Think about this: If life is a garden, some people plant flowers in the hearts of others, other people burn the flowers and throw the ash in the eyes of those coming after them. When the wind changes, the planters see the beauty around them. They stop feeling the pain in their eyes. The ash throwers see nothing, they have stopped seeing and feeling a long time ago. To them this world was always a dark place.
What they couldn't see is that the garden will keep blooming without them.

 

[GDPR]

At least this time you were prepared to be let down and therefore better able to cope when the inevitable happened

Being prepared made a huge difference.Deep down I knew this is how it would turn out,because this is exactly how it has been my entire life.You're right,this is who she is and wishing won't make her different.I have spent my whole life wishing she could be different just to be let down time and time again.

I still feel hurt,but I also feel like I have been set free.That deeply ingrained obligatory feeling simply isn't there anymore,I think because for the first time I am able to see her for exactly who and how she is.Maybe that's why I feel so hurt,because the truth hurts.

 

[PrincessX]

I think to mentally set yourself free from feelings and obligations towards her is incredibly important, and I am sure makes you feel a lot better. To me the pain of staying in any abusive relationship is much worse than any feelings of sadness or regret about the truth.

 

[MHealthJo]

I think this is why a lot of people do stay stuck in patterns that don't work well for a long, long, long, long time, or forever - I guess partly maybe because on some unconscious or subconscious level, the hurt of facing certain truths seems so painful and unacceptable. It's a very hard thing.

But, being in that place of being so stuck, and the confusion and fear and drama and so many other things that go along with the alternative.... It does really cost so much more. Dealing with the truth and going from there is much much healthier for us and for anyone connected to the situation too, sends better messages, and is better for avoiding repeating history.

Facing truths and going from there can also facilitate change and better things. Sometimes not, but sometimes it can. Either way it's still a better bet - since not facing the truth will 100% totally guarantee that negative things stay the same, or get worse.

And you are right that while sad, it is freeing. It frees you to put time and energy and thought towards pursuits or people that will give something back to you, and not hurt or use you.

 

[GDPR]

I no longer feel indebted to her for having to play the mother role to me when I was a kid.It wasn't my fault and I don't owe her anything.She may have made 'sacrifices',but I did too.I had to earn her care,I had to sacrifice my own body starting at age 5 just so she wouldn't be abused anymore.I will not spend anymore of my life being manipulated,hurt and abused by her.

 

[GDPR]

I got a text from her.I ignored it and ended up deleting it from my phone just because I didn't want it on there,didn't want to see it.

I am a little surprised at how hard it was to not respond to her.I thought since I had made the conscious decision to not spend any more of my life being manipulated,hurt and abused by her that it would be easy.It's not easy to break old patterns though.There was a twinge of guilt and obligation as soon as I read it,but I sat and really thought about it before automatically replying.

It's so hurtful of her,she wasn't there when I could have used her comfort and support.It felt insulting to hear from her, expecting me to be there for her again.I don't need her though,I think I just thought I did.And I am sure she will manage fine without me.

 

[GDPR]

She called me again.This time she told me she was sorry for the way she got mad at me and stopped talking to me for such a long time.She said she doesn't remember why she was mad,but she's changed,she's not the same person anymore.I didn't say anything,I didn't even acknowledge that she said those things,and I changed the subject.Then after a bit I told her I was busy and ended the conversation.

It bothers me.I sure remember why she got mad.I thought about reminding her it was because I started talking about the past,her role in the abuse,and that she said horrible things to me and told me she didn't want anything to do with me anymore.I wanted to remind her that even though she didn't want me in her life she has been calling me when she's in a crisis since and then goes back to not wanting me in her life until the next crisis.

I didn't remind her though. I'm not sure if she really doesn't remember or if she just said that to avoid talking about it.

I was really hurt when she cut me out of her life.I had a hard time dealing with that.And all these times she has turned to me when in a crisis and then going back to not wanting me in her life in between has been hard too.Dealing with her is hard.She is so confusing.All of this is so confusing.I have been working on how to handle the times she turns to me and uses me and now she wants to be back in my life full time?WTH?

I have been thinking about it and wondering if maybe I should have accepted her apology,that's the right thing to do,if someone does something to hurt you and says they're sorry,you're 'supposed' to accept it and move on.But I don't think I can.I don't think I want to either.Not anymore.

What happened to me when I was a kid was a huge deal.I don't think I was wrong in trying to talk to her about it.I just couldn't hold it in any longer.She always talked about the past,always,everything that happened to HER and everything except THAT.I tried telling her I didn't want to talk about the past at all with her,that it was too upsetting,but she kept doing it.Sometimes I would have to remind her 3 or 4 times during one phone conversation,and she would say things like "I know you said you don't want to talk about the past anymore,but...." and would talk about it anyway.When she talked about it,I always started thinking about what happened to me,but I wasn't allowed to talk about it,we had made a pact years ago that we wouldn't. I finally could not keep quiet,and I started talking about it,and that's when she told me she didn't want me in her life anymore,that she wasn't going to let me ruin her life by talking about the past.

I can't be around her or talk to her and pretend the past didn't happen.I'm not going to do that to myself anymore.It DID happen and it's not okay.

---------- Post Merged on January 31st, 2015 at 09:34 AM ---------- Previous Post was on January 30th, 2015 at 11:21 PM ----------

I guess all of this is my own fault,I'm the one that keeps taking calls from her.If I would just stop taking them,completely cut her out of my life,I would be better off.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Seems to me you have two options:

1. Cut her out of your life. I'm not at all sure you are ready to do that. I think part of you still hopes she really has changed. Or will change.

2. Accept the relationship for what it is. Protect yourself by not expecting too much and not giving (or letting her take) too much. Understand that she may be in a place where she is simply not ready to accept the past. Or unable to. Or just doesn't want to. Understand and accept that what she is able to or is willing to give you may be limited. Accept what there is in the relationship and don't push for more until she is ready to give more voluntarily, if that ever happens.

 

[GDPR]

Thank you.

My heart felt so heavy as I read that.Deep down,I do hope she has or will change.I do long for a good relationship with her,for her to behave as I would like her to.

I wish she would get professional help,I wish she would stay on her medication,I wish she wasn't the way she is.Its so frustrating to know she probably would be different if she did get help.

Its hard to accept her as she is,to accept this is most likely how she will always be.She's 7 years older than me,I wish she could just be an older sister for me,be there for me,not me having to be there for her.

There have been times in the past years she has called me while she's been in a child state.I resented having to console a grown woman as if she was 5 years old.I don't think I have ever mentioned that here before,not because it embarrasses me,but because she is the older one,it shouldn't be this way.

It is this way though,and maybe I do need to work on acceptance.Accepting her for who and how she is,accepting this relationship for how it is might be better than being so upset all the time from wishing for things to be different.Maybe instead of expecting her to be different or do things differently I should just expect it to always be like this.I can't really be disappointed if its what I expect.

Maybe its not that she just won't be like I wish her to be,that shes not willing to try or doesnt care enough about me to change,maybe its that she's not capable of it.Maybe that's what I need to accept.

 

[GDPR]

She called me again and as I was talking to her I kept in mind what I posted yesterday.

It made a difference in the way it made me feel as she was talking and a difference in how I feel now,afterwards.I don't feel upset or sad or anything.She behaved exactly how I expected she would,she was just as confusing and confused as she always is,but I didn't take it personally this time.

 

[MHealthJo]

Sometimes having firm boundaries and avoiding whatever's not good for you / keeping limits you want to keep / not 'fixing' whatever's not your job to 'fix' and not dealing with what's not good for you to deal with, but interacting a bit within those limits if you feel comfortable doing so, can work OK. Be careful though and talk to your T if you need to.

 

[GDPR]

I was just thinking about this entire thread and realized how codependent I am.

Maybe as I work on my codependency I will become better at dealing with my sister too.Maybe all of my relationships will change in some way.

 

[GDPR]

My sister called me 3 times,desperately wanting my support and advice.Since I had not heard from her in quite awhile,I took her calls.

The first 2 calls were focused on the things she's dealing with,but by the end of the second call I was feeling very used,hurt and all the other feelings I have talked about here.Things changed in the third conversation after something she said to me.She was talking about a couple/few years ago when she told me(don't remember the exact words now) that it didn't matter how much therapy I get,I will never get better,I will never be happy and my life will always suck.She said she only said that to me because she could tell that therapy really was helping and she was jealous.

I appreciated her honesty but it made me see things differently,see her differently.I didn't say anything about it because really,what was there to say?I didn't bother telling her she could be helped by therapy too or anything like that.But I did tell her I can't be there for her,I have my own problems to deal with,I have to focus on myself and I just simply don't have the time or space to help her anymore.

What she said about being jealous really opened my eyes.It made me think about all the hurtful,degrading things she has said to me and about me my entire life,things I always believed, things I always overlooked because I felt I deserved them.

I can't have someone in my life like that anymore.I don't want her in it.That one thing she said really spoke volumes.