Confused About My Sister

[GDPR]

I'm not sure if any of you remember the things I have talked about before or not,but my sister and I made a pact a long time ago that we would never,ever speak of the sexual abuse that happened in childhood,and specifically not her role in the abuse I went through.I broke that pact and started talking about it last year and she basically dumped me,she told me she's not going to let me ruin her life by talking about the past.And then she stopped all contact with me.

The confusion I am having is because although she stopped all contact with me and doesn't have anything to do with me anymore,she turned to me recently during a major crisis. She needed someone to talk to,a shoulder to cry on and to be told everything would be okay. I was 100% there for her through it and once the crisis was over with, she went back to not having anything to do with me and hasn't had any contact with me since then.

I was happy to help her,and of course I would comfort and console her,regardless of the fact she doesn't want me in her life anymore.I could never turn my back on her in a time of need. I feel like it's wrong to say this,but I feel hurt and used. I especially feel guilty for saying the word 'used',but that's how I feel.She doesn't want me in her life,yet I was the one expected to be there for her. She knew I would though,that's why she contacted me in the first place,she knew I would jump to be there for her.

Now I am wondering if this is how it's going to be from now on. She doesn't want me in her life,yet will run to me in a crisis,be comforted and then ignore me until the next crisis comes along? I do believe it will happen again.And I'm really confused about it. I'm not sure if I should just accept it for what it is and always be there for her,despite how it makes me feel or if I shouldn't since she doesn't want me in her life any other time. I feel like it's wrong to even be questioning what I should do,she's my sister,and isn't it my 'duty' to be there for her,no matter what? Is wondering whether you should be there or not for someone in a crisis a horrible thing?

Is it wrong that I keep thinking 'what about me?". I wish I could turn to her in a crisis,I wish I knew she would be there for me,regardless.There have been many times I needed a shoulder to cry on but I haven't tried to contact her because I know she would ignore me.

I'm hoping maybe someone can help me see this in another way.I can't seem to be able to think past the guilt and obligation I feel.

 

[MHealthJo]

I'm sorry LIT. I would feel hurt and used too.

I'm not telling you what you should do, but do ask yourself,

How does it make sense that your role in a relationship is:

Be there when she needs you, give to her, and be ignored and discarded at any other time;

and her role in a relationship is:

find you when she needs you, get something off of you, and ignore you and discard you at any other time.

How does that make sense? Is she a human and are you a vending machine?

I know she is your sister. But if anyone else came to you and suggested a 'relationship' with these terms, would you accept?

Do you think if you do this more times, it will promote good treatment from her? Or bad treatment?

Sorry that this is the way she is.

Who knows, maybe if she doesn't get what she wants next time, she might consider one day adjusting some of these 'terms'.

I don't know though.

I don't see what positive role it can have in your life though, the current terms.

The short answer though is that it would be nonsensical for you to think that your hurt and used feelings are wrong.
xx

 

[GDPR]

Thanks MHJ. It doesn't make sense at all to me.But I wanted to talk about it,just to be sure it wasn't just me that thought that.

The thing is,I can't imagine myself ever not being there when she needs me like that.If she is having a crisis,I don't think I could turn my back on her.I could possibly not take any calls or read any texts,block her,and do it that way.But,if I hear from her and I know she needs me,I don't think I have it in me to turn her away.I don't think I could be that cruel.

I know she is your sister. But if anyone else came to you and suggested a 'relationship' with these terms, would you accept?

No,I would definitely not.

When I was there for her,she kept thanking me for it and telling me she loved me.It's hard to say no when someone is saying those things.But then afterwards,to be dumped all over again,just seemed so bizarre to me.And hurtful. It's just weird to not want someone in your life yet turn to them for comfort and support.

How on earth do you not be there for someone in a crisis though if they ask you to? How do you say no without seeming cruel?

 

[MHealthJo]

It is a very hard one. Absolutely. I mean, I know when someone is just a user and abuser full stop, and any giving to them is just like putting up a sign saying, "Use, Abuse, Manipulate, Trick/Deceive, and Hurt Me. Because I Will Let You." ... I mean, it is very clear cut in those cases. You absolutely must protect yourself and look after yourself. Harm to you is not allowable, and you must definitely do what you can to keep very firm boundaries with somebody, if any contact or relation with them invites or allows harm.

I don't know. I guess maybe you have to work out how abusive and hurtful and harmful it feels to you - the dumping and ignoring afterward part.

(Side note.... I guess it's possible too that she has no clue whatsoever how to have a noncontrolling, non-using, non-abusing relationship. She has no idea how to do the other parts...? Like maybe instead of her being like "HAHA! You helped me but then I tricked you and hurt you by rejecting you again!! Yay!" she is more like, "I know how to get things I want. That is all I know in life. I know nothing about anything else or any other role I can have. So it's just: Get a thing I want, then
-> Nothing." I dont know. Please be careful LIT.)

I mean having the situation now where nothing else abusive, controlling, or manipulative happens from her, nothing - hey, that's still better than when before, you would have that stuff happen to you. If she absolutely knows that that stuff is totally out of the question, and she's not going to try to use this event to begin manipulating, controlling, and abusing you again.... well then hey... You're still ahead....

I guess you will have to see, maybe.... see if having this happen sometimes is like putting that ol' sign back up.

I would definitely chat to your therapist about it too. Get his thoughts.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow... I really feel badly that your sister uses you like that.

I know it is confusing, because I have been confused for similar reasons.

MHealthJo hit the nail on the head: if it was any other person (ie: not related to you) would you put up with that? I agree that I would not want to be there for someone who is never there for me.

Makes me mad that she did this to you, because I have been treated as such as well. Took me a darned long time to figure out I didn't have to be used like that. I had a similar misconception: family can do that to you. No, family should NOT do that. No one should treat anyone that way.

Stay strong, LIT! ♥

 

[GDPR]

It really hurts me.I am sure she has probably heard through the grapevine some of the major things I have been going through and it would be nice to have her be there for me too.

If this should happen again,which I am assuming it most likely will,what would I say?I can't tell her I am not going to be there for her if she's not going to be there for me.How could I handle it in a way that's not going to hurt her?

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, I hate to say it, but I am at a point in my life where I would say exactly that to someone who was doing that exact thing. If you try to use tact or hints, some people completely miss what you are trying to say.

I don't like to mince words with people who think they can use me. I'm tired of it, so I figure if they don't give a darn about my feelings and only their own feelings and crises are important and mine are not, then the next time they come running to me for help, I might say, "Sorry you are having a bad time. I have been here for you lots of times, and you seem to like that. However when I am going through a difficult time, you wouldn't give me the time of day. What would you call someone who does that to a person? What would you call someone who demands all my time and undivided attention when they are in trouble, but suddenly drop off the face of the earth when I need some support?"

Or if she phoned or emailed or tried to visit, I wouldn't answer the phone/reply/answer the door.

If your sister is upset because you are telling her the truth, that is really her problem, not yours. If someone is upset with you because they treated you like dirt/used you and you didn't like it and you stood up for yourself or didn't tolerate it, seriously hun, that is not your problem.

Perhaps this is another opportunity to make things clear that you aren't going to tolerate this type of behaviour just because she is related to you. Remember you mentioned, I believe it was your son(s) who did not like the "new you." Because you are changing for the better and not letting people treat you like a carpet to wipe their feet on, or a sponge to cry into, but not value you or care about your feelings, you are becoming a more whole and safe person. Some people are gonna be a little surprised that you aren't going to let them play/use/abuse you anymore. Tough for them.

The nicest thing I can think of that I might say:
"I am sorry you are having a crisis. Perhaps you can call (give crisis or other contact number) or go online to search for ideas."
"I remember when you came to me when you were in trouble, but otherwise didn't want to have anything to do with me. That really hurt me. I am not going to let you keep hurting me."
"You are an adult, and I am sure you can find a solution. I don't want to interfere in your life, because if I gave you bad advice, I would feel terrible. I am going through my own problems and need help myself, so I don't feel I can help you."


I apologize if this comes across as harsh, but I feel it's necessary to maintain your healthy boundaries and sanity.

 

[GDPR]

I need to make sure I don't allow myself to fall back into old patterns with her.I don't want to go back to feeling obligated to her,like I did when I was a child,obligated because she was my caretaker.I had to overlook her treatment of me in order to get basic things ,even food. I didn't have a choice then,but I do now,and I just need to remember that.

---------- Post Merged at 11:39 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:35 AM ----------

And I like this part of your sentence best JGJB,and it's what I think I will say to her next time. I think that's all I need to say,plus it's the truth.

I am going through my own problems and need help myself, so I don't feel I can help you.

 

[rdw]

I agree - its all about setting healthy boundaries.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Glad I could help LIT...

If she doesn't take the last thing you mentioned, keep repeating the same thing using different words.

If she continues to pester you or try to shame you into the behaviour she wants, remember, that is manipulation: trying to make you feel bad for not helping her, when you still are trying to get your own crises (which are important to you, possibly not important to her) taken care of.

I would recommend if the last statement doesn't work, get blunt with her:
"I can't continue to talk in circles like this, I need my time to heal, too. I have to go/leave now."

"I've already explained why I can't help you, several times. I need you to respect my wishes. I have to hang up now."

"I love you, sister, but I have my own issues that I need to take care of. You may not be happy about that, but I do not feel I am able to be the kind of help that you need. You need to find out solutions from someone or somewhere else on your own."

"Please do not try to shame me or use guilt to try to manipulate me into helping you. I am already overwhelmed with things going on with me/in my life."

"Please respect my space. I cannot help you."

I have a feeling she might try to mess with you and say she protected you when you were kids, and now you have to protect her... That's not love. That's "If you do this because I did that, it's a fair trade, and has nothing to do with unconditional love. And if you don't then I will (threaten, abandon, shame) be angry with you, because I only understand my feelings and don't respect or understand yours. I won't reciprocate or be there for you, but you have to be there for me."

If she tries this tactic, you could say:
"I have to remind you that you did not always protect me, but sometimes threw me into harm's way to protect yourself. Although, on some level I understand why you did that when you were a child, because who would want to be tortured like that? It was probably an act of desperation. But now that I am an adult, I am still having issues wondering why you would use me to protect yourself then, and why you are still using me to protect yourself again as an adult. I have a difficult time believing that I would have done the same things you did to me if our situations were reversed. I think I would protect you instead of allowing you to be abused. If anything, when we were growing up, I was used, when convenient for you, by you, to protect YOU. I was the one left by myself so you could escape. I no longer want to serve you as some kind of escape valve: I am a human being with feelings and I have my own issues."

Of course, you can use your own words, you don't have to use mine. Hopefully she won't try to do this. However

---------- Post Merged at 11:51 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 11:50 AM ----------

It's important to bounce this off of your therapist. I am sure he could give you the tools you need to protect yourself.

 

[MHealthJo]

Another thing I thought of, too. I guess if you let there be a situation where someone is allowed to use then ignore and discard you, I guess you're still letting them treat you as below them and not of worth. Even if it led to nothing else bad from that particular person, it could have you letting your boundaries feel lower in other vulnerable situations. And what you need is your feelings of worth and your boundaries to stay strong, strong, strong.

 

[GDPR]

"I have to remind you that you did not always protect me, but sometimes threw me into harm's way to protect yourself. Although, on some level I understand why you did that when you were a child, because who would want to be tortured like that? It was probably an act of desperation. But now that I am an adult, I am still having issues wondering why you would use me to protect yourself then, and why you are still using me to protect yourself again as an adult. I have a difficult time believing that I would have done the same things you did to me if our situations were reversed. I think I would protect you instead of allowing you to be abused. If anything, when we were growing up, I was used, when convenient for you, by you, to protect YOU. I was the one left by myself so you could escape. I no longer want to serve you as some kind of escape valve: I am a human being with feelings and I have my own issues."

I cannot stop crying now,since reading that. I was imagining myself saying it to her as I was reading it.That's exactly how I feel and exactly what I would like to say to her.

Maybe I do need to say it....

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

*hugs* LIT!!! ♥

I hope you are okay, I sure didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Well, you don't have to say anything you are not ready for. And if you want to run it past your therapist first, that would probably be wisest.

Remember, I am at a different part of my journey of healing. These are things I might say, but it doesn't mean you have to say them.

Any doubts or wavering: check in with your therapist, hun.

I am making some assumptions from what you have posted previously in other threads, and I am going by my gut here. Which is why I strongly recommend talking to your therapist before you do anything.

At least, if you do feel you want to say that to her, you can print it off or save it for a time when you feel strong enough to say it. Make sure you have back-up, so to speak. That is, a good support system, your hubby, therapist, etc. ♥

 

[GDPR]

Don't worry,I'm fine.

When I read what you said,it just really struck a chord and I don't know,I guess it made me feel sad for myself and what I went through as a kid. Not sorry for myself,but sad. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like it was me that went through it, sometimes it feels like it was some other kid that did,and when I read that,I felt like I did back then when it was happening, and all that sadness whooshed through my body. And right now it does feel like it was me and not some other kid.

---------- Post Merged on September 22nd, 2014 at 08:00 AM ---------- Previous Post was on September 21st, 2014 at 08:28 PM ----------

I guess I could have just said when I read what you said it made me feel a connection to what I went through,which I have been having problems doing.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow. Definitely run this past your therapist... When stuff comes up like that it can be overwhelming to try to deal with it on your own...

You seem to be handling it very well, from what I see you have posted... But hang on to your husband and anyone else who can give you comfort... ♥

 

[GDPR]

I really am okay JGJB,so no need to be concerned about it or anything.

Even though I still feel sad about it,I actually feel grateful to be able to connect to it and feel the feelings.

Thank you,by the way...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Aw, you're welcome! ♥ And thank you for the sweet PM. ^_^

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey LIT, how are you doing? ♥

 

[GDPR]

My sister called me again.Out of habit I automatically took the call.She has some stuff going on and once again she wanted to use me as a sounding board.But after I listened to what it was and gave my 'words of wisdom'(ha) I made it clear that I am going through a lot myself and I simply don't have the time or head space to deal with anything or anyone else.I feel pretty good about the way I handled it and I am not feeling at all like I did last time it happened.


I am glad I talked about it here.Thanks for the help guys.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

YAY! That's great to hear!

♥