Confused about what I want

[Banned]

My life over the past nine months has been an interesting journey through hell and back. I'm doing ok now but I'm not sure what I want next, if anything.

I left therapy last September because I didn't feel like I was going anywhere except in circles, which seems kind of fruitless. I'm on meds but I'm not convinced they are working as well as they could, if at all.

I'm not sure I even care anymore about what to do or where to go next. I've resumed some negative behaviours from my past and I don't care. I don't want to stop. I honestly think I don't want to get better, and I can see what's wrong with that statement, but, how can I change the way I feel? I've long struggled with "wanting to want to get better" and it just seems that no matter what I do or where I go, I hit a dead end. I pretty much feel like no one can actually help me, so maybe it's a self-preseveration thing.

Am I the only one that feels like this? I'm functioning pretty well in life, and I have no doubt that with proper therapy the suicidal ideation and self injury could be dealt with, but, I just don't care. Is that wrong?

I think I'm really confused, and I just get tired of caring, and hoping. Am I taking the easy way out?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Do you see a psychiatrist or a regular doctor for your meds? What does he/she say about this? I can relate. I don't think you should give up.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think if we want to heal then we must do what is necessary to get the job done. One is seeing our therapist and taking our medication as this gives us the skills to continue to be well not to be so unstable. Exercise, eating well all good choices right. I understand depression creeps up on us and get the distorted thinking going again so that is why we need therpy to keep us on track to help us see our thoughts are wrong. I get tired of caring of hoping yes that too comes along but not doing what is needed to stay stable then that is taking the easy way out. Unfortunately staying well takes energy and commitment. Can you make an appointment with a therapist just to talk to help you get out of this state your in. Talking really does help i find. I hope you can reach out to someone to help you move forward again not backwards take care Turtle you have been doing so well for yourself with school keep moving forward okay and use all the options available to you to do so.

 

[Banned]

Thanks Violet and CD.

CD, yes, I have a psychiatrist I see for meds. We don't really talk about this stuff, and I've only seen him twice so we don't really have a rapport yet. Maybe one will develop in time.

 

[Domo]

Hi Turtle,

I wish there was something i could say or i wish i had the answers because as you know i struggle with the same thing.

Are you going to do something about your meds? It could make all the difference...

 

[Banned]

Thanks Domo. Ya I'm gonna call him tomorrow and ask him if I should be feeling different, or if I'm just impatient. Apart from that, I guess there's not much I can do.

 

[Domo]

The only reason i say that is because when i am actually on meds that are effective, i don't actually think about stuff like that so much. I suppose it changes my headspace. Obviously it's not the solution but i am in a better place to deal with it.

How long have you been on these meds now?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Could you give therapy another try? Maybe find someone new? I'm beginning to think that for me it's going to take some more years to really heal and get past most of the stuff I've been trying to get past. I'm ok with that at this point. I'm not trying to be discouraging, but, at least in my case, realistic.

Anyway, I'm thinking of you and really wanting you to hang in there.

 

[Banned]

Thanks guys. I've been thinking about this pretty much all day, and all week.

This past week was hard. I was really, really suicidal. I'm passed that for the moment, but not entirely, and don't think I likely ever will be. I keep getting the feeling that I'm too tough of a case for anyone to handle - that I'm unfixable, that I have to do it on my own. I've thought about going back to therapy, and I did contact my old therapist but at the end of the day, I spent five years in therapy and a ridiculous amount of money and I don't think I'm any better off for it. I just don't think that right this minute, it's the answer. But, having said that, I really hate struggling with the thoughts day in and day out.

I don't know...these meds are still really new. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can increase them and see if that will help. Other than that, I'm at a loss. I honestly just feel like a freak that no one can help. It's really disconcerting and lonely, but, maybe that's just the way it's meant to be. I think the first priority has to be to start seeing a difference with the meds though.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think the first priority is to keep you safe if you are not feeling that way. Maybe just talking with your therapist will help you see things differently. If you are not feeling safe then you know what to do okay just don't try to handle it too long on your own Take care okay stay safe

 

[SoSo]

I am sorry you had such a hard week Turtle. I used to feel like you, a freak that no one could help and if I didn't feel like that on my own my parents sure rubbed it in and told me I was one. But, one day, I figured out, I wasn't a freak, I just 'fit' differently into a mold that was my own. I was always a square peg trying to fit into the round hole but one day, I figured out I could make my own space and fit my own way and did, if that makes sense. I hope you will be able to get the meds sorted and speak to someone, stay safe.
:support:SoSo

 

[Banned]

Thanks SoSo. Your square peg in a round hole makes perfect sense. Overall I think I'm ok, but I know there's something more or better and I get conflicted as to whether I want to reach for it or not. I don't talk to anybody in real life, so no one, including myy family knows how I really feel and what I really experience. I think it would just be too hard on my mom and cause her to worry excevely. I find as long as I keep really busy tyhen I'm ok - I just can't stop. But that isn't very healthy either.

I think I'm just thinkinh out loud - I have no idea what I think or feel most of the time.

 

[SoSo]

I sure understand what you are saying about not talking to anyone in 'real life' as I tried talking to my sis and she had a breakdown because of it so then I went into a real bad depression worrying about her so now...keep my lips zipped. One wee thing though, us mommas, we worry about our kids whether they talk to us or not, just part of being a mom. Even though I never get to see my 3 kids, worry about them still even though the oldest is now 41. One thing I do know, I wish my oldest would talk to me more as I know he is going through a lot of emotional 'stuff' and wish I could be there for him, the others also. I also understand the keeping busy, I do that also cause that way I don't think too much about stuff I would rather not think about so I push myself beyond my limits. One thing I do know, glad I am different, don't fit into the regular mold cause that way, I sure don't get bored with myself, too busy still trying to figure me out:lol:, a work in progressmg: and what a journey it has been, but still, a journey. Hope things will get easier, talk to someone if and when you need to and here's a great big ole' granny hug:support:
SoSo

 

[Banned]

Thanks SoSo. Sometimes I think I owe my mom more information, other times I worry if I give it to her she will worry more and become all over-protective and stuff, so I tend to keep her at arms length. We live together, so I don't want to burden her. She knows about the diagnosis, and she knows I take meds, but she doesn't know how much I struggle with suicidal ideation, or how horrible I feel so much of the time. I think that would just be too much for her...so for her, and everyone else in my life, I put on the happy face and pretend everything is just rockin' fine...I dont' want to come across as an attention-seeker or that I make things up or anything. I guess I've created my own bubble of keeping everyone out to keep me safe. The down side is it's really lonely, especially when I do crash, or feel like I can't go on, or am struggling. Then...it's like "who do I talk to? What do I do?". I've thought about going back to therapy and got in touch with my old therapist, but I'm not convinced it's going to be anything more than a $150/hr friendly chit chat, which isn't helpful. I need actual therapy, and I just don't have the where-withall to go out and find someone to do it with me.

Note - my psychiatrist just called and he said to up my Seroquel from 75mgs/day to 500mgs/day, so we'll see what that does.

 

[busybee]

Hi Turtle, Once again, some of what you are experiencing is way outside of my knowledge base.

It must be very difficult for you to be going through this. I have read some amazing posts made by you in support of the other members and am blown away by your integrity and honesty. Then you share yourself and show a vulnerable human being, warts and all. Just remember, that you do have people who care about your well being. We may not be able to individually lay our hands on you but mentally I am sure that if we could, we would all reach out and touch your soul. You are a valuable human being, you are worthy and you make a difference. Your individuality is unique. Celebrate. Busybee

 

[SoSo]

Turtle, is there an Emotions Anonymous group handy to where you live. When I was living down the east coast I joined and it was really helpful, for me at least. The group was so supportive and they all understood because they had been in similar circumstances. I just found getting out once a week to that group, being with people that didn't judge me, listening to others who struggled, made it easier for me. I know it is not the same as therapy but it is a good support group. I agree with Busybee, hope it gets easier and things work out with your med increase.
:support:SoSo

 

[Banned]

I'm not sure, SoSo. I've never really looked into groups mainly because I work evenings and weekends, which is when groups tend to take place. Also, I'm ridiculously anti-social, and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable in that setting. A few years ago my therapist at the time suggested a group, but I just wasn't ready. I'm not sure I still am, although it's a good suggestion.

Busybee - thank you for your kind words. The not-very-fun part of bipolar for me is the rapid cycling. Thankfully today is an "up" day...and my mood is good.

 

[busybee]

Hi Turtle, Just know you are in my thoughts. Have a great "good mood"day Busybee