Crazy Cat
Member
Hi, I'm new here and have a question. Its long and I apologize about that but I have to get the facts straight.
About 3 years ago I found out from one of my husband's aunts that my husband had borrowed large sums of money without me knowing, took a loan against our mortgage, sent his mom and his secretary's mom on a cruise (the aunt told me that he and the secretary were supposed to go - husband swears thats not the case). I found out that his entire family thought I was a "gold-digger" and pretty much hated me. I ended up sitting in the hospital with her for 2 weeks because she was having panic attacks when she woke up and didn't see a familiar face. At this point she told me that she wished she knew the "real me" and that all that time was wasted. Then she told me that I could have been her daughter. Understand, this is the last thing I thought she'd ever say to me. But she realized that my husband and his sister were making me look bad.
One night I took the opportunity to raid my husband's office (he owns his own company). I found 15 polaroids of my husband, fully dressed but posed in the secretary's desk. Husband said she took photos to send his mother a framed photo for Christmas. Why wouldn't he ask me to do it or even to be in it???? So I'm not buying it. I found that she had a credit card with her name that was charged to the company where she bought groceries & Christmas presents, etc.
I've had problems with his sister since we were dating. I knew she spread rumors about me to his family but he refused to stick up for me saying he didn't want to rock the boat. Of course, this left me feeling that I wasn't the first priority in his life.
So after hearing all this and arguing for days I decided to see a lawyer and file for divorce. We were still living together and I told him to expect a letter from my attorney. He kept saying "I'll never see the inside of that letter" meaning that he didn't want me to divorce him.
He made me tons of promises, he'd fire his secretary, blah, blah, blah. He pretty much had an answer for everything and said he didn't tell me because I fly off the handle and that I'm "not stable enough to handle it". Nice, huh???
Anyway, I cancelled the lawyer and its 3-4 years later and nothing has been resolved. About 3 months after he made all these promises he actually had the balls to tell me that he blatantly lied to me about firing her and all because he knew his business would be assessed for the divorce. Also, about that time, he asked me to go to the animal shelter with him to see a dog. He had them bring the dog out and I stayed outside while he said he was going to fill out the paperwork. Since I've done shelter work, I thought he meant a pre-adopt form. Little that I know that he had gone earlier in the day with his secretary to pick out the dog and I had no say in it.
He swears to high heaven he didn't have sex with her. But he also lies - I can ask him a very specific question, like , where did you get that $9150 check from? He'll deny it. Like I pulled the number out of my head and it happned to be right? Finally he said he borrowed from his father.
Thing is, I can't let this go. I regret not following through with the divorce. We had money in the bank and the deal was that he'd buy me a house and I wouldn't touch his business. Right after all that though, he cleaned out the account. I'm not in the position to get an apartment, I need my own house or townhouse.
He's ruined our credit by taking every penny out of the bank and he tells me its for his business but he cares more about that than us losing our house or going to jail for tax evasion.
So, my question is - am I obsessing? Every time I bring it up he says - and I quote - "why do you keep bringing up the past. I only look forward" To me, this is avoiding the issue. It has never been resolved. He didn't keep his promises, his secretary still works for him, we still have the idiot dog (I know its not the dog's fault but its hard for me to like her).
Obviously its an emotional affair, which he denies. But am I wrong to still be so deeply hurt? I ask if he's sorry and he says that if he could do it again, he'd do it differently. But that's not saying "sorry".
Oh, and his aunt, with whom I was able to mend that bridge, died two days later.
I have chronic depression, bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder & ADHD. I have trouble keeping jobs because I either get into fights or just can't get there on time, no matter how hard I try. My doc & my husband talked me into applying for disability, yet my husband throws it in my face that I'm not working. All I want to do is get my meds straightened out - I don't have insurance and the med prices are ridiculous. I have every intention of going back to work.
Just one other thing - Yesterday I asked him what he worries about. He said "money". I asked the second thing. "Money". Third? that his family is healthy. Never once did he say he worried about me or our relationship. We're married 21 years, no kids. I asked what would make him happy. He said "for you to work a full time job and contribute to the house, have dinner on the table every night, have the house spotless every day, laundry done daily and for me to ask "how was your day" every night. I told him I'm not June Cleaver. So he asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to not be lied to and I wanted to feel loved. His response? "I'm not Ward Cleaver". Is it me?????
PS-We had separated for 2 years about 9 years ago. He didn't tell me he was moving until a week before and moved a day before I started a new job. Then a few weeks later he came by my job all dressed up, fancy Italian suit and a diamond pinky ring. He told me he bought it for himself. Now he claims he "found" it. We ended up selling it anyway but I remember crying at work when he left. Yet, he was at the house every day. I'm just confused.
About 3 years ago I found out from one of my husband's aunts that my husband had borrowed large sums of money without me knowing, took a loan against our mortgage, sent his mom and his secretary's mom on a cruise (the aunt told me that he and the secretary were supposed to go - husband swears thats not the case). I found out that his entire family thought I was a "gold-digger" and pretty much hated me. I ended up sitting in the hospital with her for 2 weeks because she was having panic attacks when she woke up and didn't see a familiar face. At this point she told me that she wished she knew the "real me" and that all that time was wasted. Then she told me that I could have been her daughter. Understand, this is the last thing I thought she'd ever say to me. But she realized that my husband and his sister were making me look bad.
One night I took the opportunity to raid my husband's office (he owns his own company). I found 15 polaroids of my husband, fully dressed but posed in the secretary's desk. Husband said she took photos to send his mother a framed photo for Christmas. Why wouldn't he ask me to do it or even to be in it???? So I'm not buying it. I found that she had a credit card with her name that was charged to the company where she bought groceries & Christmas presents, etc.
I've had problems with his sister since we were dating. I knew she spread rumors about me to his family but he refused to stick up for me saying he didn't want to rock the boat. Of course, this left me feeling that I wasn't the first priority in his life.
So after hearing all this and arguing for days I decided to see a lawyer and file for divorce. We were still living together and I told him to expect a letter from my attorney. He kept saying "I'll never see the inside of that letter" meaning that he didn't want me to divorce him.
He made me tons of promises, he'd fire his secretary, blah, blah, blah. He pretty much had an answer for everything and said he didn't tell me because I fly off the handle and that I'm "not stable enough to handle it". Nice, huh???
Anyway, I cancelled the lawyer and its 3-4 years later and nothing has been resolved. About 3 months after he made all these promises he actually had the balls to tell me that he blatantly lied to me about firing her and all because he knew his business would be assessed for the divorce. Also, about that time, he asked me to go to the animal shelter with him to see a dog. He had them bring the dog out and I stayed outside while he said he was going to fill out the paperwork. Since I've done shelter work, I thought he meant a pre-adopt form. Little that I know that he had gone earlier in the day with his secretary to pick out the dog and I had no say in it.
He swears to high heaven he didn't have sex with her. But he also lies - I can ask him a very specific question, like , where did you get that $9150 check from? He'll deny it. Like I pulled the number out of my head and it happned to be right? Finally he said he borrowed from his father.
Thing is, I can't let this go. I regret not following through with the divorce. We had money in the bank and the deal was that he'd buy me a house and I wouldn't touch his business. Right after all that though, he cleaned out the account. I'm not in the position to get an apartment, I need my own house or townhouse.
He's ruined our credit by taking every penny out of the bank and he tells me its for his business but he cares more about that than us losing our house or going to jail for tax evasion.
So, my question is - am I obsessing? Every time I bring it up he says - and I quote - "why do you keep bringing up the past. I only look forward" To me, this is avoiding the issue. It has never been resolved. He didn't keep his promises, his secretary still works for him, we still have the idiot dog (I know its not the dog's fault but its hard for me to like her).
Obviously its an emotional affair, which he denies. But am I wrong to still be so deeply hurt? I ask if he's sorry and he says that if he could do it again, he'd do it differently. But that's not saying "sorry".
Oh, and his aunt, with whom I was able to mend that bridge, died two days later.
I have chronic depression, bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder & ADHD. I have trouble keeping jobs because I either get into fights or just can't get there on time, no matter how hard I try. My doc & my husband talked me into applying for disability, yet my husband throws it in my face that I'm not working. All I want to do is get my meds straightened out - I don't have insurance and the med prices are ridiculous. I have every intention of going back to work.
Just one other thing - Yesterday I asked him what he worries about. He said "money". I asked the second thing. "Money". Third? that his family is healthy. Never once did he say he worried about me or our relationship. We're married 21 years, no kids. I asked what would make him happy. He said "for you to work a full time job and contribute to the house, have dinner on the table every night, have the house spotless every day, laundry done daily and for me to ask "how was your day" every night. I told him I'm not June Cleaver. So he asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to not be lied to and I wanted to feel loved. His response? "I'm not Ward Cleaver". Is it me?????
PS-We had separated for 2 years about 9 years ago. He didn't tell me he was moving until a week before and moved a day before I started a new job. Then a few weeks later he came by my job all dressed up, fancy Italian suit and a diamond pinky ring. He told me he bought it for himself. Now he claims he "found" it. We ended up selling it anyway but I remember crying at work when he left. Yet, he was at the house every day. I'm just confused.
