healthbound
Member
Hey Stargazer. How are you doing today? Were you able to get some sleep last night?
Do you know what your recent insomnia is related to?
Do you know what your recent insomnia is related to?
- Thread starter healthbound
- Start date
stargazer
Member
Stress. It's completely circumstantial. I had a backer back out & am having to come up with a large amount of money or else cancel a project I've got 13 other people depending on me to finish. All of this is completely outside the area of my experience or expertise, and I basically don't know what I'm doing. So I can't sleep.
However, things are a little better. I've talked with a good friend, another artist who occasionally deals with backers. He suggested part of the problem is that I've been wearing two hats. I'd like just to be the musical director of the project, which is a position familiar to me, and one I'm comfortable with. I've been wishing I didn't also have to be the one who organizes everybody's schedules, itemizes budgets, obtains money, and signs paychecks. So, I've asked one of the people on board to take over these administrative aspects for me, so I can just focus on directing the music. She agreed. And she's a good choice, as she appears to have excellent organizational skills, and she seems to thrive in this element.
So last night I slept about six hours, which was the most sleep I'd gotten for a while. The night before that I only slept maybe four hours. So I think I'm getting better, now that I'm somewhat relieved. But I am still uneasy about the unforeseen financial problem, which has not yet been solved. But I did make a solid choice to proceed with the project on faith, and not to give it up. And that has helped.
Thanks for asking, healthbound.
However, things are a little better. I've talked with a good friend, another artist who occasionally deals with backers. He suggested part of the problem is that I've been wearing two hats. I'd like just to be the musical director of the project, which is a position familiar to me, and one I'm comfortable with. I've been wishing I didn't also have to be the one who organizes everybody's schedules, itemizes budgets, obtains money, and signs paychecks. So, I've asked one of the people on board to take over these administrative aspects for me, so I can just focus on directing the music. She agreed. And she's a good choice, as she appears to have excellent organizational skills, and she seems to thrive in this element.
So last night I slept about six hours, which was the most sleep I'd gotten for a while. The night before that I only slept maybe four hours. So I think I'm getting better, now that I'm somewhat relieved. But I am still uneasy about the unforeseen financial problem, which has not yet been solved. But I did make a solid choice to proceed with the project on faith, and not to give it up. And that has helped.
Thanks for asking, healthbound.
healthbound
Member
Hey stargazer. It certainly sounds like you have a lot on the go right now. I can empathize with some of it. One of the most challenging professional times in my life was when I was responsible for many people to and of varying degrees. In my experience, there was not enough money coming in and too much going out --- and we still lacked resources to become self sustaining. We were also dependent on investors (and even though I use the term "we", I didn't have a lot of guidance or direction. Basically, I was flying by the seat of my pants a lot of the time). I had previous experience in the financial backers game, but didn't foresee the challenges that later presented themselves in this particular situation.
Vying for financing is very stressful and full of a countless unknowns. It certainly does take a particular personality to continually pitch, negotiate and secure financing. And as you are currently experiencing...the money isn't in the bank, until it's in the bank. I lost many many hours of sleep contemplating my perceptions of my being solely responsible to the thousands of people that would be affected if we couldn't do what we needed to do.
I also lost sight of reality in terms of what I (as one person) could actually accomplish. And then when I failed (which of course I inevitably would - because NO single human could have done what I imagined I should have been able to do) I blamed myself. You have clearly recognized areas where delegation is the best option and then immediately taken action so you can continue to do what you do best. Good move towards protecting yourself from burnout
. In the end...I ended up "crashing" into my second major depression and am just now going back into the work world.
It's really difficult to produce or manage a project AND secure financing etc etc. Especially for creatives as the mind and skill set between securing financing and creatively producing seem to be miles apart.
Crap, I've written a book again. Sorry about rambling on. Basically, I just wanted to let you know that I can empathize with parts of what you're experiencing and let you know that it sounds like you've got things under control. P.S. beware of burnout
Vying for financing is very stressful and full of a countless unknowns. It certainly does take a particular personality to continually pitch, negotiate and secure financing. And as you are currently experiencing...the money isn't in the bank, until it's in the bank. I lost many many hours of sleep contemplating my perceptions of my being solely responsible to the thousands of people that would be affected if we couldn't do what we needed to do.
I also lost sight of reality in terms of what I (as one person) could actually accomplish. And then when I failed (which of course I inevitably would - because NO single human could have done what I imagined I should have been able to do) I blamed myself. You have clearly recognized areas where delegation is the best option and then immediately taken action so you can continue to do what you do best. Good move towards protecting yourself from burnout
. In the end...I ended up "crashing" into my second major depression and am just now going back into the work world.It's really difficult to produce or manage a project AND secure financing etc etc. Especially for creatives as the mind and skill set between securing financing and creatively producing seem to be miles apart.
Crap, I've written a book again. Sorry about rambling on. Basically, I just wanted to let you know that I can empathize with parts of what you're experiencing and let you know that it sounds like you've got things under control. P.S. beware of burnout
stargazer
Member
Actually, I'm glad you wrote all that you just did. What I'm trying to *avoid* is to crash into a major depression, which I foresee will happen if I do *not* continue with the venture. Since I'm only talking about 13 people here, not the thousands you mention, the relative significance of it is fairly low. However, the success of the project is so meaningful to *me,* that I am afraid if I let go & bailed out, I would go into such despair I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would rather take the risk of proceeding on the basis of possible future funds from an as-yet-unknown source. I have been honest with the people involved about the loss of backing, and so far everyone wants to proceed. So that part is encouraging. What I feel, however, is that in the event that we are able to proceed a *little* further, and yet not go all the way for lack of funding, the depression I will later feel will be even greater than the depression I would now feel if I were to back out *now.* However, if we keep going, and we do find the money to finish the project, I'll probably feel great. I guess it's a success-failure thing, or an "integrity vs. despair" thing. I have to believe that somebody out there believes in me enough that they won't allow me to have gotten this far on a project only to have to give it up. Otherwise, I myself will likely cease to believe that I am worth believing in.
Hey Stargazer,
I'm very happy to see you've decided to delegate some of the work for your project. I'm a bit worried, however, with your view that if your project doesn't succeed, you're not worth believing in... Although I'm sure it would be crushing to see a project you care so much about fail because of lack of funds, many factors come it when it comes to the project succeeding or failing. I think if it fails, you've worked so hard on this, that the failure won't have anything to do with you.
Funding is hard to come by, even for the best causes, simply because money is sparce for most and there are just so many great places to put it... I know there are dozens of organisations wich I'd really, really like to give money to, but I have to choose... The choice to offer you financing may be due to timing, funds available, mood of the day, chance... so please don't take it to reflect your personal value OR the value of the project... I think you're really doing what you can to help!
All that said, it just may work and you may get funding! I wish you the best of luck!
I'm very happy to see you've decided to delegate some of the work for your project. I'm a bit worried, however, with your view that if your project doesn't succeed, you're not worth believing in... Although I'm sure it would be crushing to see a project you care so much about fail because of lack of funds, many factors come it when it comes to the project succeeding or failing. I think if it fails, you've worked so hard on this, that the failure won't have anything to do with you.
Funding is hard to come by, even for the best causes, simply because money is sparce for most and there are just so many great places to put it... I know there are dozens of organisations wich I'd really, really like to give money to, but I have to choose... The choice to offer you financing may be due to timing, funds available, mood of the day, chance... so please don't take it to reflect your personal value OR the value of the project... I think you're really doing what you can to help!
All that said, it just may work and you may get funding! I wish you the best of luck!
stargazer
Member
Yes, that makes sense, JA, and I do see that. I am still worried that I don't have enough personal strength not to equate the failure of this particular venture with a more ultimate & total personal failure. The reason is because the nature of the project is not only so meaningful to me personally, but also it is a first-time opportunity that has never before arisen in all my years of experience. And I am 53 years old. I've been in this career for over 30 years and have never had this opportunity. So to stop midway through, only because funds have withdrawn, is equated with the loss of the opportunity of a lifetime. It may never come again.
I just wanted to clarify that. It's not as though I'm a person who equates the success of every single little project with my ultimate success or failure. It's just that this particular venture is more personally significant than anything that's come about beforehand. It's something I've always wanted to do, and was never able to do, for lack of funds.
That said, thanks for also pointing out that it may just work, and you never know, I might get funding. I just hope I can adjust my attitude to one of more optimism here. Not quite sure how to do that, unfortunately.
I just wanted to clarify that. It's not as though I'm a person who equates the success of every single little project with my ultimate success or failure. It's just that this particular venture is more personally significant than anything that's come about beforehand. It's something I've always wanted to do, and was never able to do, for lack of funds.
That said, thanks for also pointing out that it may just work, and you never know, I might get funding. I just hope I can adjust my attitude to one of more optimism here. Not quite sure how to do that, unfortunately.
Hey Stargazer,
I understand that it would be increadibly hard to loose such a great opportunity. It's one think to be convinced that if the project fails it doesn't mean you failed BEFORE hand, and another thing to remain convinced of it in the event of an actual termination of the project for lack of funds. Still, I think it does help to be convinced before, even if it's just to reduce the immediate anxiety. Either way, if all goes wrong, you have every right to be dissapointed, and even depressed, at least for a little while. Don't bring yourself down for feeling bad about it!
Anyway, I really hope it works... I'm starting to care about your project without even knowing what it is! Hehe... You seem to be preaty good at sharing enthousiasm about your work, that'll be on your side to get funding
I understand that it would be increadibly hard to loose such a great opportunity. It's one think to be convinced that if the project fails it doesn't mean you failed BEFORE hand, and another thing to remain convinced of it in the event of an actual termination of the project for lack of funds. Still, I think it does help to be convinced before, even if it's just to reduce the immediate anxiety
. Either way, if all goes wrong, you have every right to be dissapointed, and even depressed, at least for a little while. Don't bring yourself down for feeling bad about it!Anyway, I really hope it works... I'm starting to care about your project without even knowing what it is! Hehe... You seem to be preaty good at sharing enthousiasm about your work, that'll be on your side to get funding
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
You can get more information about stargazer's project from the link in his signature: The Burden Project.
stargazer
Member
You're actually making some rather amazing points here. I think if I can remind myself that it's actually normal and "okay" to be depressed in the event that (heaven forbid) the project should fail, it might disempower the impact of that depression. On the other hand, there is a certain amount of truth and power in the event of one's enthusiasm being "contagious." I've often gotten on board other people's projects in the past, simply because they exuded such excitement.
In any case, if you're interested, I posted all relevant details on the Music Page of my web site, to which you can navigate by clicking on the link above the Einstein quote on my signature. Thanks.
In any case, if you're interested, I posted all relevant details on the Music Page of my web site, to which you can navigate by clicking on the link above the Einstein quote on my signature. Thanks.
stargazer
Member
I see David beat me to it he he.
stargazer
Member
Thanks, JA. I've actually been exploring production options in Ottawa as well as elsewhere. I'm restricting my search only to English-speaking countries.
healthbound
Member
hey Stargazer. Just thought I'd check in and see how the sleep was going (or not going).
stargazer
Member
Hey Healthbound. Thanks for asking. I've been sleeping better the last couple nights. As I mentioned elsewhere on PsychLinks, I noticed I'd been drinking more coffee & not quite eating right or exercising. I cut back to one cup in the morning (although I had one after dinner last night, but it wasn't a big deal.) Haven't run, but been riding my bike a lot, and walking. But mainly, I decided to postpone the rest of this project until receipt of further future funding. That relieved me quite a bit, and I've been able to sleep again. There are details behind that decision, but I'll forego them for now. How are *you* doing?
healthbound
Member
Good to hear you're sleeping a bit better. I'm doing pretty good. About a month ago I (as in my psychiatrist) increased my effexor up to 300mg. I have definitely noticed a big difference in my concentration, memory, energy level and cognitions. Just before we increased the effexor, I came off of the tiny amount of seroquel I was taking to help me sleep. I'm still taking a small amount of trazodone before bed though.
Anyway, I'm going back to work. I'm very happy about this, but also appropriately nervous. I'm doing an integration back (first week I go for 1 day, second week for 2, third week for 3 etc).
I am nervous about maintaining balance between work, parenting, health and continuing with my art. I'm sure that once I get back upto full time, things will fall into place - as they do - but, I'm still nervous about falling back into a depression. That's probably normal.
Regardless, I haven't had insomnia for a while. And, my son only seemed to experience for that short period of time, so things are going pretty good over here Thanks for asking.
Anyway, I'm going back to work
. I'm very happy about this, but also appropriately nervous. I'm doing an integration back (first week I go for 1 day, second week for 2, third week for 3 etc).I am nervous about maintaining balance between work, parenting, health and continuing with my art. I'm sure that once I get back upto full time, things will fall into place - as they do - but, I'm still nervous about falling back into a depression. That's probably normal.
Regardless, I haven't had insomnia for a while. And, my son only seemed to experience for that short period of time, so things are going pretty good over here
Thanks for asking.
stargazer
Member
A friend of mine is on 150mg Effexor, and although I don't know much about it, he was upset when he had to go up to 225mg for a while. I guess he got his doctor to reduce the dosage back to 150mg. But everyone's different, of course. I'm unclear, though, if you mean that there was a huge *positive* difference in your concentration, memory, energy level, and cognitions--or if the difference was negative. (I think you mean positive, but I'm not sure.)
I should sleep pretty well tonight. I'm still on the road, but just secured a place to crash, and took care of some other business that had been troubling me. I'd hoped to go home tonight but missed a connection, however have been able to make telephone contact with the person who would have driven me back, and all is well.
Cyber cafes and laptops sure are fun commodities when traveling. I might stick around another day or so, since I don't have to work again till Tuesday. Beautiful sunny weather too, after about a month solid of rain.
How old's your son, healthbound? (By the way, I really like that name: "healthbound.")
I should sleep pretty well tonight. I'm still on the road, but just secured a place to crash, and took care of some other business that had been troubling me. I'd hoped to go home tonight but missed a connection, however have been able to make telephone contact with the person who would have driven me back, and all is well.
Cyber cafes and laptops sure are fun commodities when traveling.
I might stick around another day or so, since I don't have to work again till Tuesday. Beautiful sunny weather too, after about a month solid of rain.How old's your son, healthbound? (By the way, I really like that name: "healthbound.")
healthbound
Member
We've had beautiful weather lately. I literally get up from my computer and walk outside to the back yard, close my eyes and listen to the birds and just feel the sun. Yay - the sun is out again
The changes are definitely positive. I too was a bit upset about increasing my dosage (again), but it turned out to be a very good thing for me. I'm very grateful to feel like I've finally got my mind back! I really am feeling more like "myself" lately. I almost forgot what it was like to have energy and motivation. Man, I'm still in awe about the dramatic impact depression can have.
Are you travelling for work or have you been lucky enough to take a break/vacation? As I mentioned, I'm going back to a "real job" next week. I think I'll only be travelling a couple times per year (maybe even only once) which has it's good and not-so-good points.
Actually ---- What am I even talking about ---- I'll just be happy if I can get used to a regular routine again
The changes are definitely positive
. I too was a bit upset about increasing my dosage (again), but it turned out to be a very good thing for me. I'm very grateful to feel like I've finally got my mind back! I really am feeling more like "myself" lately. I almost forgot what it was like to have energy and motivation. Man, I'm still in awe about the dramatic impact depression can have.Are you travelling for work or have you been lucky enough to take a break/vacation? As I mentioned, I'm going back to a "real job" next week. I think I'll only be travelling a couple times per year (maybe even only once) which has it's good and not-so-good points.
Actually ---- What am I even talking about ---- I'll just be happy if I can get used to a regular routine again
stargazer
Member
I was traveling for rehearsals for my studio project, but everything has been postponed. And now I'm postponing going back. I'm in a beautiful college town, and I have some friends here, as well as this being where my daughter lives. (I can't stay with her tonight, though, as she has something going on. Last night I did, and that was nice.) So, I guess, an unplanned mini-vacation, sort of a de-stresser.
Yeah, regular routines are the best. I've lacked that lately too, I've been so all-over-the-place. When I get back home, I'm going to make sure I establish one (I hope). Problem is, I only work on Tuesdays and Thursdays (officially) & so the other days I'm on my own. I work from home when I can get it, but it's been lean lately. My life doesn't have enough structure.
Glad the changes in the meds have been positive. I don't understand depression myself. Starting to get a handle on mania, though (I think).
Yeah, regular routines are the best. I've lacked that lately too, I've been so all-over-the-place. When I get back home, I'm going to make sure I establish one (I hope). Problem is, I only work on Tuesdays and Thursdays (officially) & so the other days I'm on my own. I work from home when I can get it, but it's been lean lately. My life doesn't have enough structure.
Glad the changes in the meds have been positive. I don't understand depression myself. Starting to get a handle on mania, though (I think).
healthbound
Member
The Burden Project?
Hm, sounds like you're in the states?
I have conflicting feelings/perceptions about this. I fear routine. I've never been good at keeping track of time and that's usually necessary when establishing a routine. However, I think I tend to function a bit better when I have a routine, besides being hard on myself for always being a bit late
. I'll figure it out at some point Do you experience mania? My step mom is very concerned that I am now experiencing mania as she's having difficulties understanding the process of me finally coming out of the depression. To her it seems like a drastic change and for some reason she is attributing it to mania. I read the DSM criteria for both manic and mixed episodes. There's no confusion that I definitely experienced a major depressive episode, but I'm not too sure about the mania or mixed. For example, I definitely have more energy now, but I still need a minimum of 8hrs sleep per night
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