Dating while in therapy - HELP please

[IAmStillHere]

So I started group and individual therapy for my issue with my personality disorder (NOS with mainly borderline features). I've been going for 2 weeks.

The psychiatrist I see in individual therapy suggested I refrain form getting involved in a relationship while in therapy. I'll be evaluated after 6 months and if I choose to continue I can but after one year they recommend we take a break and try out our "skills" on our own.

anyway I met a guy and I really like him. He's stable, my age (I tend to go for non threatening younger guys), responsible, makes a ood living, is kind and gentle. we saw each other twice so far but also a quick call everyday to say hi (5 minute call). I've known him for years, through business, but we were never friends or dated. Just a good rapport.

Now when he called today I asked him if he wants to do something this week-end and he said yes. We didn't kiss yet though almost but I stopped it from happening when he leaned toward me cause it felt too soon - we had ended up talking for 3 hours when I dropped by for business and there was this chemistry. I have been getting the advice that I should kiss him next time, as to not confuse him and to show him that I am interested.

I'm experiencing a lot of feelings of self-worthlessness, shame and fear of rejection regarding this new person, but I don't want to give up on seeing him. HELP and advice needed!

 

[Banned]

Hi IASH,

Did your psychiatrist mention why he thought you should refrain from dating? And for how long? You might want to have this conversation with him - see what he thinks and says.

My first inclination is to always listen to the professionals. They know what they're doing and there is always a good reason behind anything they ask of us.

If this relationship is meant to be, he will understand if you tell him that this isn't the right time. Perhaps you can take a slower "friends first" approach until your therapist feels you are ready to handle a relationship.

 

[IAmStillHere]

Hi Turtle,

thanks for your reply.

I spoke with my psychiatrist today and he had actually said to proceed with caution, to not jump both feet into something. so everything is fine.

He actually suggested I face my fear and see him again as opposed to running away and rejecting this dating possibility. he thinks so far I did everything right and so sis the guy but we just have to get to know each other better. He thinks it is healthy to explore this slowly.

he said that I shouldn't do anything I don't want to do including kissing the guy and that if he pressures me he doesn't deserve me. I have a fear that if I don't rush into something (esp. the physical part), that i'll be rejected and shamed.

I have to be careful cause on another forum I asked for advice and a couple of guys told me that since I rejected his kiss he shouldn't "wait around" for me and that it was "wrong" that I shoud have "all the control" and stuff. They told me to kiss him next time I see him.... thank goodness I didn't listen to them. I'll kiss him if and when I am ready to.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Turtle,

I have to be careful cause on another forum I asked for advice and a couple of guys told me that since I rejected his kiss he shouldn't "wait around" for me and that it was "wrong" that I shoud have "all the control" and stuff. They told me to kiss him next time I see him.... thank goodness I didn't listen to them. I'll kiss him if and when I am ready to.

They're wrong IASH . Anyone worthy of you, anyone who genuinely wants to know you, to care for you, will respect those boundaries.

I know it's easy to say that to you, but I'm going through some of the same things right now with someone in my life. And IASH - he cares enough about me to listen, and to hear what I'm saying and, more importantly, to ask about those boundaries. This man, if he's a good guy, will be there irrespective of whether you are physical with him. But, I would be candid with him, maybe even tell him that you want that closeness but that, for personal reasons, you need to take this more slowly - he doesn't need the details.

 

[IAmStillHere]

awww thanks SO much!!!

and it's not like I'm making him "wait around", we've spent 2 evenings together total!!!!

thanks again. I don't know if it will go anywhere, and I have a lot of stuff to work out (I am terrified he will discover who I am and hate it and reject me, I feel a lot of shame and fear, and low self-esteem/low self-worth...)....

But thanks for reminding me about BOUNDARIES.

:2thumbs:

 

[Jazzey]

awww thanks SO much!!!

and it's not like I'm making him "wait around", we've spent 2 evenings together total!!!!

thanks again. I don,t know if it will go anywhere, and I have a lot of stuff to work out (I am terrified he will discover who I am and hate it and reh=ject me, I feel a lot of shame and fear, and low self-esteem)....

But thanks for reminding me about BOUNDARIES.

:2thumbs:

Yes, I completely understand that fear - that they'll see some of our struggles and run for the hills. But, that's precisely what enables us to find the one that really loves us. And I'm not suggesting that you reveal your struggles IASH. There are some things that don't need to be shared off the bat. I'm just saying that I understand the fear. And any man worth his weight, will take his time when you ask him to.

And you know, even if it doesn't go 'anywhere' - what a wonderful sensation, those first few months when you're getting to know one another, when you're filled with hopes, dreams - well worth the journey.

The only thing that I'm trying to do (with a lot of effort because of my own insecurities) - keep being honest with him. Be forthright. He could possibly be one of the 'good guys' IASH. For the moment, just enjoy the ride - this is the best part. Enjoy every bit of it.

 

[IAmStillHere]

But HOW can I enjoy this experience when I am filled with fear, shame and a feeling that I wasted my life and that if I had to share things about myself, it would be how misarable I have felt inside for years and how hard it is to feel confident and how much time I have spent isolating myself instead of reaching out to others and having experiences??

The isolation I have put myself through is the worst. I know it sounds superficial, but I could have done so much with my life. I know there's no point in looking back, but it's like I am never good enough. And if those feelings come from childhood or my interpretation of messages received from my parents, then I don,t know how to get rid of the beliefs that they stem from.

Anyway, besides that, I will put myself down in front of ANY guy that I take interets in. I don't know about anyone else, but I pretty much have no friends that I see and I am involved in pretty much nothing. I have tried to get involved in things, get a life direction, have stable friends but I have failed. I am alone and lost.

He is always telling me how he has a dinner with friends here and another one there, he is busy with his business and daughter..... I feel like such a failure in front of him. My psychiatrist says those feelings come from childhood and not from the present situation and that he thinks I can face this fear and learn through it. Life sucks. I feel I cannot do it.

 

[Jazzey]

But HOW can I enjoy this experience when I am filled with fear, shame and a feeling that I wasted my life and that if I had to share things about myself, it would be how misarable I have felt inside for years and how hard it is to feel confident and how much time I have spent isolating myself instead of reaching out to others and having experiences??

By accepting that you have those fears, recognizing their source. I understand your fear IASH, I really do. But at the end of the day, we can only look forward and do better tomorrow. But your psychiatrist is right, our past experiences shape us, leave some scars sometimes. But, it doesn't have to determine who we are today.

If the fear gets a little too intense, slow down the pace a little. And no, I would not share the details of your fears. But, you can tell him that you have them because of past experiences. I'm willing to bet that he has some fears from his past too.

Relationships are scary because it means making ourselves vulnerable to others. But that's also the beauty of relationships - fining that one person with whom you can be completely vulnerable knowing that he will love your vulnerability - not take advantage of it. But that takes time and a solid foundation. So again, take your time. Enjoy getting to know him and exploring this a little.

As for the fears, visualize yourself holding all of them in your hands - then let them go. That doesn't mean trust this person off the bat, just let your fears go long enough to be able to get to know this person.

 

[IAmStillHere]

Thanks SO much Jazzey, you're a big sweetheart. Thanks for helping me and reminding me about what matters. and for the helpful tips like the visualization.