Depression... is winning

[sunset]

I am not a happy person right now and its got me frustrated that I am not dealing with things better than I am.
I have been to my medical Dr 3 times now and once to the dentist for the intermittent swelling I am getting on my face. They now are referring me to an allergist.
My T said the lawyer asked about me again and for me to call. I am not calling the man again. If he is looking for help, then he can call me. I am NOT going to be set up again to be let down. Been there, done that.

Even though I have followed up, I still havent heard from anyone regarding the two other jobs I applied and interviewed for. I called again a few days ago and they said all the candidates were wonderful and they will let me know either way once they decide. THAT is not encouraging.
This is all getting me very down and I am not able to get myself out of it even though I am trying.
I am supposed to see my T in person this week and was supposed to call me back to set up an appt, but he hasnt called and its been a few days now. He was supposed to call me a few days ago. I dont want to call because when I do he is with another person and I am interrrupting and feel put out.
There are some family issues going on also and I am trying to deal with all of this too.
I am on the verge of tears and part of me says there is no point in even seeing the T anymore because I feel like such a failure and loser in life. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be for me. All I want is to stop worrying about money but I am getting more and more in debt because I cant find a decent paying job. So, my life is struggle until I die. I hate this.....

Sometimes I am feeling so despondant that I cant even talk. I shut down and go through the motions because I have too, but I am crying inside.
Thanks for listening. If anything, I know you all will not put me down more than I already am.

:sob: This is me.

 

[Halo]

I shut down and go through the motions because I have too, but I am crying inside.

I can relate so well to what you wrote and it describes exactly what I have been doing as well.

I just want to tell you that you are not a failure or a loser in life...you are a smart, fascinating, talented, kind, warm and caring person who is struggling at the moment but who also has lots of people here who care about her.

I am always here for you if you need to talk, vent or whatever. PM me anytime.
Take care :heart:
:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I read what you wrote and my heart just goes out to you. I am sorry you are struggling so much right now.

You are definitely not a failure or a loser in life. I see a person who likes to bring joy to other people, who has struggles, but also has amazing strength too. You are an asset to this forum. You are all the things Nancy said:

smart, fascinating, talented, kind, warm and caring person

You are tender hearted and just a great person.

I hope you can get in touch with your therapist soon. Don't give up on that.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

don't give up sunset. depression is just a mean, nasty disease that makes you believe things that simply aren't true.

you say you don't want to interrupt while he's with someone else, do you have a rough idea of what his hours are? maybe you could call at the end of the day when he should be done seeing clients? does he have an answering machine/voicemail or email?

 

[ThatLady]

Sunset, you're definitely not a loser; nor, are you a failure! You're a brave person who's undergoing a lot of difficulty. Not everyone could be as courageous as you are. It's not easy to "go through the motions" when you feel like you're breaking apart. Yet, you do. Give yourself credit for the strength you're showing! :hug:

 

[Daniel E.]

I am on the verge of tears and part of me says there is no point in even seeing the T anymore because I feel like such a failure and loser in life. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be for me. All I want is to stop worrying about money but I am getting more and more in debt because I cant find a decent paying job. So, my life is struggle until I die. I hate this...

By some criteria, even the billionaire Warren Buffet is a loser since he lives in the same house he bought decades ago for a little over $30,000, drinks Coca-Cola all day, and for fun plays a ukulele and somtimes online poker. Also, as the book American Mania points out, for many people who are tired of the rat race (the hedonic treadmill to nowhere), time is the new money.

 

[sunset]

Thank you all for your kind words at a time when I really needed it. Sorry I havent responded before now, but I was not in a good way, and I didnt have the words to respond. Not only that my internet at home is not working...

I think I have figured out why I am getting the swelling and itching.. We have contaminated water from when we had flooding in our area a couple of months ago. THAT is the only logical explanation and I need to follow up with the Dr about that.
I also got a callback for a second interview for the job at the municipal bldg.I am going in today at 3pm, so I will see what happens. A second interview is a good sign, but I dont know how many they called back for a second time..

I am still quite depressed, and trying to get myself out of it. I am trying to understand how or what happened to get me down like this.
After my interview, I have an appt with my therapist. For some reason unknown to me, I am upset with him, and I am not sure why.. Its disturbing for me because I feel "safe" with him and when I see him.
I do have a couple of theories on what it could possibly be....

1. He has made comments and did last time I spoke to him on the phone that so and so has it rough right now.(This is the lawyer who wanted to talk to me about a job. I told my T that he can call me if he wants too, but I am not calling him.. That is when he said the comment above) To me, that is saying what I am feeling is not valid because so and so has "real" problems.

2. I feel like I take a backseat to everyone else. When is it MY turn? I think I have a jealousy issue and feel rejected when I am not high on his priority list..

OK,number 2 is childish and my own way of feeling. He hasnt done anything TO ME, but nevertheless, this is how I am seeing, feeling and reacting to it. My reaction is to play the victim, I am hurt, and the wall is going up again.

I really DONT want to be like this. Now I have to put on a face at least for the interview... But I really just want to run away...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's probably more that he feels embarrassed by his friend's behavior and doesn't want you to have a negative impression of him... basically, he's just trying to explain his lack of courtesy so you don't feel bad and he doesn't feel bad about his friend's behavior.

 

[sunset]

It's probably more that he feels embarrassed by his friend's behavior and doesn't want you to have a negative impression of him... basically, he's just trying to explain his lack of courtesy so you don't feel bad and he doesn't feel bad about his friend's behavior.

I never would have thought of it that way. But he is also a patient of his, and I am not sure how much of a "friend" he is. Would what you have said still apply in this situation??

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I never would have thought of it that way. But he is also a patient of his, and I am not sure how much of a "friend" he is. Would what you have said still apply in this situation??

Even more so, perhaps. He may be aware of issues that the other person has - procrastination, anxiety about making phone calls, or whatever.

Putting one patient into contact with another patient doesn't seem like a very good idea, though. There's a confidentiality issue there, I would think.

 

[sunset]

The way I see that is the therapist thinks that this other guy has valid problems, and is MORE IMORTANT than I am, so I should just suck it up and deal with it. Like my problems arent real...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The way I see that is the therapist thinks that this other guy has valid problems, and is MORE IMORTANT than I am, so I should just suck it up and deal with it. Like my problems arent real...

Oh, I wouldn't see it that way at all. As I said, I think he's just trying to prevent you forming a negative opinion of the other guy, perhaps by pointing out that he does have problems which would explain his impolite behavior.

I don't think he's saying anything negative about you at all.

If you are depressed and unhappy because a friend or family member has been ignoring you, and I were to say that the friend or family member is probably not calling because s/he is depressed, I'm not comparing you and the other person and I'm not saying you are not really depressed - I'm simply making the observation that sometimes depressed people find it difficult to simple things or to muster the effort to be courteous. It's not a comparison.

 

[sunset]

Ok Dr B. Since you know better about these things, I will take your word for it. I sure havent been too successful in reading people or figuring out what they mean when they say something..

 

[Auburn]

Dearest sunset;

Until I had lived through the past two years, I never understood what depression could really do. I now have an understanding and I can sympathize. You are doing great hun, you really are. Just take each day, one at a time. Find your one focus for each day and see it as an accomplishment once completed. If I have learned anything these past two years, it is to take baby steps. And hun, be proud. You are getting through each day, despite this disease. It will get better, but take your time. You can make this your time. That didn't sound childish at all. Focus on you, and what you need. Make YOU your priority.
I pick one thing a day to accomplish, and now that I can actually get one thing done, I feel so good. It is amazing how such a small victory can boost me. I wish you all the best hun, and take care of you. You are special and loving and never ever be afraid to express your feelings.

Brightest blessings dear one

 

[sunset]

Thank You Auburn... You are really kind for saying what you did.

It is a daily struggle. Some days pretty good, and others...not so good. I get mad at myself when the depression wins, but I do realize I am fighting this without an antidepressant. (My old boss saw a huge difference in me once the zoloft kicked in and said I was a new person, which is pretty much accurate!) I was on zoloft for yrs and it really helped. I am not on it now due to finances and also because I had a grip on it and didnt want to keep on taking a pill each day.

I do need to take things day by day, but it even amazes me how my moods and thoughts can vary so much in one day!

I hope you are continuing to do well yourself, and thanks for posting.

 

[Auburn]

You said it so well sunset.....a daily struggle. Such a simple statement, such a hefty meaning. My husband and I are on meds now, even though we had a real problem accepting that we needed them. I have heard that many of the antidepressants change someone's personality radically, but thankfully the Effexor doesn't seem to. And it does make each day a little bit better. Considering you aren't on any medication, I think you need to be a tad bit kinder to yourself. I consider that a huge accomplishment hun. I think your greatest strength is that you are very aware of your condition and what you need to do for yourself. As tough as it is, you have such an amazing handle on it. I look at that as a ray of hope for my husband and I.
You keep holding tough hun, and just know that you have many here to support you each and every day.

 

[sunset]

Nothing wrong in taking meds if you need them and they help. Maybe when and if I get another job with better benefits I will start it up again. My T said to try another antidepressant (forgot which one)because it has a mild sedative in it and it helps for panic or anxiety attacks which I sometimes deal with too.
This board is a wonderful and safe place to be. So many are helpful and caring here and that is sometimes the one thing that will get me through a rough day.
I hope you and your hubby are doing well! And.. thanks again for your input. I really do appreciate it.