Difficulty Dealing with Step Son

[victoriatcup]

I am a step-mother who raised my step-son in the home I shared with my husband - this month would be 30 yrs w/my husband - but he passed away 2 years ago.

My step-son says he wouldn't be the man he is if it weren't for me. For almost 2 yrs now I have been trying to have a conversation w/my step-son - repeatedly he promises me time and then doesn't show up - I have called him when I need a hand or help in some way - no help, no response - nothing. He never calls me for any reason - he has not acknowledged me for holidays or birthdays or anything else. It hurts. He had promised my husband that he would keep watch over me after his father's death so I could adjust to this new life.

I have given him birthday and Christmas gifts with no acknowledgement from him. He has issues with my husbands Will...instead of talking with me about this, he tells others I am not giving him what he feels he should be given from his Father's estate. Yet, I have invited him over on numberous occassions asking him to go through his Father's things with him in order to give him items he may desire. He has expressed disappointment of me to others in the family - and they have gone on to tell people who have no business knowing our personal issues - things that are not true about me.

I have received 3 letters - 1 signed by my neighbor and 2 unsigned - telling me what a creep I am and how horrible a person I am - how cruelly I treated my inlaws and my husband while caring for him during the months of his cancer...how I should be ashamed of myself....learning this information from "a reliable source".

Any suggestions on how I can go about communicating with my step son?

I am tired and sick of asking and begging and hoping to resolve these things. Some which are of a legal nature with expiration dates. My step-son has not been honest with me and done several things deceitful in nature that have caused me great discomfort. My neighbor, who I helped greatly over the past 6 years, now runs when she see's me - having stated she doesn't want my "bad energy" around her. I am a loving and good person. I did everything I could so my step-son would have a good life, better than mine, and now he treats me horribly.

The last 15 years he has hardly had anything to do with his father - didn't include him on the building of his house or couldn't find the time to share Christmas with us or anything else. Once my step-son was done being dependent on us - he left and couldn't seem to find a few minutes to spend with us. He now makes tons of money and seems to have more interest in things rather than people.

Sometimes I think he resents that I provided him the goodness in his life instead of it coming from his biological parents. I feel as though perhaps he hates himself for his choices, and projects that onto me.

How can there be any resolve if I cannot entice him to give me the time of day? My husband and I were unable to have our own children, so my step-son is very important to me.

I know he loves me very much - but I am scared I will loose him - if I haven't already done so.

Frustrated and scared - not sure what to do and would appreciate any thoughts that might help me.

VictoriaTcup

 

[Retired]

Victoria,

Sorry to hear about the breakdown in relationship with your step son.

I know he loves me very much .........My step-son has not been honest with me and done several things deceitful in nature that have caused me great discomfort

In reading your story, these two statements came to my attention. Do you feel there might be an apparent contradiction in your perception of your relationship with your step son and his behaviour toward you?

 

[Daniel E.]

Once my step-son was done being dependent on us - he left and couldn't seem to find a few minutes to spend with us

Maybe he has a narcissistic streak?, in which case, there is nothing you can do.

 

[victoriatcup]

I just spent a bunch of time replying to both your comments - not thinking to copy/paste in case something happened - went to submit my words to you, and "Poof, time out...expired, need to resubmit!" Uuuggh! My step-son is due at noon, here at the house, so I must leave this posting and get ready for his visit! I will reply later as I greatly appreciate your thoughts and would like to pursue this delicate matter further and gain better insight on how to handle it.

Thank you
Victoria

 

[David Baxter PhD]

To avoid this in future, check the "Remember me" box when you log in. You can still manually log out but you won't be automatically timed out.

 

[victoriatcup]

Steve...I wanted to reply to you, now over a year later, that yet I do indeed feel there is a contradiction in my perception of my relationship with my step son. I have had many experiences with him since my post and have realized that there is nothing to be done - I have stopped trying - I still love him but have decided not to engage any further in his unloving responses to me. I do understand much more now than at the time of my writing. Thank you for your words, they helped me find clarification.

Daniel...I do believe you are correct about his having a narcissistic streak. You are correct and I have realized there is nothing I can do. It was difficult to hear both your words, but they gave me that place to venture further in order to understand these dynamics. Thank you again.

 

[making_art]

Victoriatcup,

I'm so sorry to read of yet another loss in your life. I have thought about a possible similar scenario in my future and have sort of prepared myself for the possibility of no contact with a loved one. I have thought, if I do all that I can (including letting my loved one know all of my thoughts and feelings), then at some point I have to accept that there is nothing more I can do and let it go. :grouphug3:

 

[victoriatcup]

Make-Art ~

I am sorry you might find yourself in that position in the future. I often think of where we went wrong, what did we not instill or say or do or what? I know what we missed to teach. But now he is an adult It sort of feels like what I imagine it would be like to have a baby and then for it to loose it's life right away.

The most beautiful experience is knowing what it feels like to know you would lay your life down for a child.... I never would know that feeling had it not been for my step-children. I carry that precious gift with me - and no matter how it has turned out, I know our son knows the truth.... at some point I have to let that be the best that will come of this. Maybe someday he will remember his heart.

You have a chance, perhaps, to be proactive and talk and work it all out before, maybe? I hope that can happen for you and your family.

It is a funny thing to have so many losses - now, at this point, there is no left here....all previous family are gone, their choice not to communicate with me. I have a bro-in-law in another state across country that is astounded at all this hatred, but since he is thought of as the jokster-screwup in the family...his words are not validated ...in fact, he went through an imposed "cut out of the family" simply because he talks to me....I know, crazy. I have a new relationship with a niece the same age as my step-daughter who is like her brother...but she is far away, too - it is a relationship that is developing over the internet and I am grateful for it. At any rate...a whole life has ended for me. It is a very odd thing and I think I am finally beginning to emerge from all this shock in addition to my husband passing.

Funny, until today I didn't remember I wrote the initial post about my step-son, I ran into it by mistake today ~ shock protects us, I know, as there are many things I don't remember of this time...funeral, etc.

Take good care....and hugs to you as well ~

Best
Victoriatcup

 

[making_art]

Make-Art ~
Maybe someday he will remember his heart. Victoriatcup

Yeah. Well the saying, "time heals all wounds" - has been something I experienced and maybe he will heal too and come to a different place about his relationship with you. If not, then at least "time" will take care of your wounds.

~ shock protects us, I know, as there are many things I don't remember of this time...funeral, etc.

Yes...I have had shock protect me too. Either that or I have been shocked so much that my shocker is out of order :nah:

 

[Budoaiki]

Victoriacup,

I have a suggestion if you haven't already done so, I think maybe sitting down and writing out a letter to your step son about what he means to you. Avoid any matters of contention and take care to illustrate your feelings with past examples and be clear about why you want him in your life and how much he means to you and why.

Even if you don't end up sending it at least it will be cathartic.

 

[Dutchess68]

What comes to mind is that you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink. I can certainly understand how difficult this is for you that after the loss of your husband you have no contact with your stepson. This person for you is a critical piece in keeping your husband's memory alive. I would suggest you expend your energy in finding people who will be supportive of you and appreciate you. To build a network of people that can be there for you and show up when they are supposed to. Unfortunately you can't force this situation to work, as much as you would like to.