Difficulty speaking to people

[gooblax]

Just recently, my long distance boyfriend and I got webcams so that we could talk face-to-face, as our communication had been text based (aside from a few voice messages) up to that point. I'm fairly able to have conversations with him in text, but as soon as I start having to actually talk it becomes really hard to say much at all. I'm good for the occasional comment, but that's about all I'll manage. Certainly nothing really substantial, even when I try my best.

I have the same problem speaking to anyone outside my immediate family. When I was seeing a psychologist, I had the exact same issue which was extremely frustrating. Generally, I don't join or participate in many conversations. I much prefer group ones because it's heaps less noticeable that all I'm offering are occasional comments. I'm not even that good at listening to the conversation, because although I'm following what's being said at the time it's being said, most of it's gone after another few sentences. Ask me for some input and I'll basically lose the whole conversation up until that point (although later, given time to think, I'll probably remember a few things).

I'm fine with speaking to my immediate family, but anyone else and it's like the thinking part of my brain takes a vacation and just leaves a note "You're on your own, mate!" That leaves me with nothing to say with no way to think of opinions on what's being discussed or access previously held opinions, or whatever else it is that people do while they're talking.

As far as talking to my boyfriend goes, I'd already explained that I'm not great at verbal conversations and luckily for me, he's fine to keep trying to get me talking normally. Curiously, I don't have any trouble singing songs I know to him (even though my voice isn't really made for singing ).

Anyway (now that this is way more than sufficiently long...), does anyone have any idea what the problem might be or what I could do to help myself participate normally in conversations?

 

[Retired]

does anyone have any idea what the problem might be or what I could do to help myself participate normally in conversations?

You did what I was about to suggest right there in your post...that is to ask a question at the end of your commentary.

I like to think of asking questions as being "conversational lubricants", because by asking a question, especially a follow up question to what your correspondent has just said, is the best way to keep a conversation going.

Remember what news reporters are taught: Who, What, Where When, Why and How

Thise words will enable you to ask follow up questions to just about anything that is said.

If your boyfriend is willing to help you, and by what you say, he seems to be understanding, you might ask his help in practicing the technique of asking follow up questions, and ask him to evaluate the effectiveness of your querries.

Start off by doing only a few, and build up to working at more. Then try the same technique with strangers, such as store clerks where you have nothing to lose if you stumble.

How does that sound as a possibly useful exercise?

(notice my follow up question, in an attempt to keep the discussion going?)

 

[Meg]

It sounds a bit like your mind is so occupied by worrying that you won't know what to say that it doesn't have a chance to keep track of the conversation properly. Do you feel anxious in these situations? Another possibly helpful exercise to add to Steve's great suggestion is to try and observe the thoughts that are going through your head when these difficult conversations are taking place and, afterwards, taking time to reflect on how these thoughts are either helping or hindering you in the situation. This gives you a jumping-off point for thinking about strategies that might help you to move past them.

For example, if one of the thoughts you identify is something along the lines of, "if I speak up he'll think I'm stupid" it may be helpful to consider the evidence for the accuracy of such a thought. This evidence might include the fact that he is interested in what you have to say, as indicated by his efforts to help you feel more comfortable. Is he a considerate person? If so, is it likely that he would respond with a hurtful comment? Has he indicated that anything I've said before was stupid? If so, why would he do so on this occasion? You might also consider facts such as your entitlement to your own point of view, even if it is different to somebody else's, and your intelligence.

This example might not apply to you, but I hope it might be helpful to use the general principles to question some of the thoughts that may be making these conversations hard for you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It sounds a bit like your mind is so occupied by worrying that you won't know what to say that it doesn't have a chance to keep track of the conversation properly.

That's often the case, combined with a fear of silence. Having moments of silence in a conversation is often experienced as stressful, with a sense that "I must think of something to say to fill this terrible silence". In reality, most conversations have such moments... it allows one to reflect on what has been said... it's both normal and healthy.

In some cultures, it is considered impolite NOT to have a moment or two of silence following a statement that another individual has made. Jumping in immediately with a comment ios interpreted as an indication that you were not listening or that you didn't feel the statment by the other person was worthy of being taken seriously.

 

[gooblax]

Remember what news reporters are taught: Who, What, Where When, Why and How
Thise words will enable you to ask follow up questions to just about anything that is said.

Thanks TSOW, that could help. Especially having the 5 W's to check through so I'm not just floundering without any idea of what to ask. I remember a few times I've tried deliberately thinking of questions to ask and getting stuck on whether or not it's a stupid question, so I'll have to avoid doing that though.

How does that sound as a possibly useful exercise?
(notice my follow up question, in an attempt to keep the discussion going?)

It sounds very good indeed. It also sounds like a good way to begin answering questions as well (since I also struggle with that).

Another possibly helpful exercise to add to Steve's great suggestion is to try and observe the thoughts that are going through your head when these difficult conversations are taking place and, afterwards, taking time to reflect on how these thoughts are either helping or hindering you in the situation.

Thanks Meg. I'll give that a shot too.

combined with a fear of silence. ... In reality, most conversations have such moments... it allows one to reflect on what has been said... it's both normal and healthy.

Thanks Dr. B. That makes sense. I'm fine with silence when everyone's planned to be silent, but it is pretty uncomfortable when I feel I'm supposed to be the one filling it (like "... What do you think?" ... It's like "Me, think?! I don't think! I've never thought a thought in my life. You can't prove anything." )

I'll (try to) keep all this in mind for next time. Thanks everyone