Dissociation

[experience]

A part I have covers a span of about 10 years. The years between late teens to just into thirties. She is having a hard time understanding the choices she made were based on how she was raised, which included several traumas and neglect. The years she lived (19 to 32) she lived under a brainwashing situation which we believe had to do with the way she was raised. it was not her fault that she got stuck in the brainwashing situation but she feels badly, even suicidal. When she reached those early thirties there was another major life trauma and so that is approx where she ends. The deal is the age our body is and the years after 30 or so are pretty well not her memories and so we have a lot of communication and memories to get through in therapy. She is our most dissociated part from the rest of us, so far. We do have PTSD/DDNOS and for her likely DID/DDNOS, well along with the other parts having their own issues but I wouldn't say dx, even though there are parts with depression, anxiety, ocd and some really well adjusted parts too, if I can call them that.

Externally, I appear at first to be fairly adjusted. I work, have a family and interact with people. I am never okay on the inside however. There are conflicts, heightened emotions, wandering away from stuff (in my mind) etc, etc. I think that people who do not have this are probably talking about holidays, skiing, biking, doing classes together, going place, having dinners out and stuff and she is still back at 20 to 30 or so, shaking her head, thinking what happens now? And, me I am trying to say it is okay, I understand but i look around and I don't seem, behave, have, act like people my body age. This is quite worrisome. I don't seem to fit anywhere. I get afraid for the future, even though I have a faith. I feel embarrassed to not have accomplished as much as others and I am running low on hope.

Maybe I just need support today and tomorrow will be okay, who knows?! Even writing this has exhausted me/us.

Thanks for reading. it will probably be okay again soon. I have been in therapy for some years and things are getting better that way. But my resultant life looks a bit like a battle ground when I take a look around. What type of ongoing work will have me. How do friends work out if they know that I am the way I am based on early years plus additional adult trauma? I wouldn't change my life for the world but i certainly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy either. I do have a loving family that partly understand what has gone on in my life and I have a couple of great therapists but I am just feel so out-of-place. Not really a stigma but I am not free to say anything about me, like say if someone had cancer. It is a lonely place to be but also a triggering place so getting together with others is almost a scary endeavour.

Oh, well, that is about all for now. I'll wait to hear any reply and then perhaps comment.

Thank you

---------- Post added at 04:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:14 AM ----------

Admin: Sorry about the colour thing. I know some people with dissociation find the colour black to be quite scary, so I was trying to be sensitive to them.

 

[Andy]

Welcome experience! :2thumbs:

I can understand where you are coming from in my own way, very much. I'm sorry that you are left feeling like you do not fit in anywhere. That I can relate to completely.

Also, it's never easy to decide whether to mention these types of things to anyone at all, let alone close family and friends. I think that you have to really think about how they would react, if they would give that unconditional love or if they possibly might back away. I have found that my issues brought some people closer that I never would have thought would even care and some that I thought would love me unconditionally completely turn away from me and never speak to me again.

You say you have a family, which is great, but do any of them know how you are doing? I am not my "body age" either. I haven't accomplished a thing, compared to people my age and younger even...I get that anyway. My life is a complete lie to people I casually meet in person.

I'm sorry I hope that didn't sound to "me, me, me" I can just relate a lot. Do you see your therapist on a regular basis? You have two?

I am sorry that your feeling out of place, but do know that you fit in here just fine so hopefully you use this place as a support. There are a lot of great articles/stories to read as well. TC

 

[experience]

STO:

How nice of you to respond with so much of your own experience showing me that you certainly can relate to my comments. It is really nice and you have made me feel less alone by saying so.

I agree some people I thought would 'care/love' me unconditionally have turned their backs and others whom I thought would be reticent are the ones who seem to be hanging in there with me, although I don't really say much of what is happening internally with them anymore. I just try to let them know if I am too tired or too hurting and they just accept that. I recently tried to be in a group of people I didn't tell anything to and I found myself to be quite triggered in that group.

My closest people in the world are my two therapists, yes, I'm lucky I have a team! It's funny, it is almost like they exist to not only do therapy with me but to remind me that this was the very thing missing in my early childhood days, the caring mentors, caregivers and safe people.

I guess I am looking for a bit of an out in this original post, a quick fix. You would think I would have learned by now that this is a psychological situation that can only be dealt with over time, a long period of time.

I do get discouraged at times. Therapy has helped tremendously but looking around at the shams of the external life can be my biggest discouragement. I have many hopes and dreams but they seem to be unreachable at times. I think possibly I am just depressed a bit at the daunting task of the therapy related to the part between 20 to 30 and feeling the feelings and all that goes with that.

I think it will be okay. The thing is, I know some of what i am in-store for I just, you know, feel a bit sad. But your post did give me a boost yesterday. So, thank you for your care.

I hope that you will post too and I can encourage you too, sometime.

:thankyou2:

 

[Andy]

Hi experience,

That is so great that you have a team that you are that close to, to help you along in your journey. It is overwhelming thinking of all that you (not you personally) have to go through, the emotions that come with talking about things and then the emotions afterward when your processing all that has come up in one session alone. I think sometimes instead of thinking of your hopes and dreams as something that is so far out there, that you have to get past this seemingly huge impossible hurdle, it's better to just sort of think of those hopes and dreams as if they were within reach. That may not be the case but it will keep your hopes and dreams alive instead of thinking you have to get past this and that first and it's going to take so long... lol Is that stupid? I don't know it's an idea anyway. I think it's great that you have those hopes and dreams and hope you never get so disillusioned with what your dealing with in the now that you just let them go.

Quick fixes would be great, but as you said most things do take some time. If you come across one feel free to share, or no, sell it, and hopefully you will give me a discount?

I am the same way with the people that are in my life. They know I have mental health issues but none of them ever ask how I'm doing or anything. I quit trying to explain to my friends and they usually just go with things, bagh that's another huge drama anyway. lol
In groups of friends I cannot relate at all, all that they do, think, say and have, is not even on my radar. I've never really related to people my age, more so older people but people my age have the stereotypical life that most people my age have so in a group (even one person most of the time) I feel like I'm not where I am suppose to be, I can't join in the conversation etc. That being said, I have had to stop myself from comparing as to where I am "suppose to be", I mean I still do it sometimes but it gets me no where. It gets me depressed. What I do is compare in different ways which probably isn't the greatest either but it works for me. I compare our lives from the beginning not from today or for tomorrow. Most of my friends have had their struggles of course but their struggles didn't start until their adult lives, adult type problems and I can say that as a fact, I'm not assuming that. Obviously I know they had what I consider tiny issues. Blah, anyway, I try to look at it that way and break things down. It helps me to sort of set myself straight and think ok your working with a different hand so it's expected. It's to hard to deal with your own life, comparing as to how the stereotypical person your age lives and thinking you need to become "that way" just adds to the pressure.

I think that you having a team that you feel so close to is such a bonus and although it all seems daunting and you know there are some painful things in the future, take comfort in the fact that you have that caring team that has your back the whole way.

As you can see, I babble, sorry. Your post here has encouraged me already. I think I could have wrote this except of course it would be a little more random and have a lot of babbling and run on sentences quite like this one here. Anyway, it's never a bad thing to know that someone out there has the same thoughts and feelings.

Take care

 

[experience]

STP: :hithere:

Thank you for your caring post. I don't consider you babbling. Just kinda like shooting-the-breeze. I think it's how we can learn from each other so please feel free.
I will try to 'hold' onto my hopes and dreams :cheerleader: without any interference of thinking of a time line and, oh yeah, if I hear of a quick-fix I'll let you know and we can go into business together and make our millions. :lol:

Yeah, drama doesn't :nah: work as far as friends and family goes for me either. There has been enough drama in my own personal life without bringing the whole process into their lives.

Today, I am recovering from a tooth extraction. I am also trying to self-soothe and keep grounded from my last therapy session this week. Another bad memory surfaced that just took me by surprise and made me so sad So I am trying to do everything I can to keep calm and integrate it into my present life and understand 'that was then and this is now'. I'm getting more calm as the days go by. But this is a long-term dx so it will take a long time to sort through.

Chatting with people and learning how they have managed has always helped me.

Bye for now.