Distraught over rejection of friend

[zoomer]

Could anyone advise me of my situation. I met a guy in college 5 years ago. I felt an immediate connection with him and enjoyed his company over the year I was there. However, I was seeing someone whilst in college and I think he was too. After our exams, we didn't keep in contact but 4 months later I met him by chance in a Bar and we exchanged emails. For the next few months we used to meet for a few drinks usually with another mutual friend from our class. He then got moved abroad for 2 years with his work. Again, we used to exchange emails and when he came home meet up for a drink.
He got transferred back home in 2003 and we used to meet up every second weekend. He bought a house and things moved on. In Nov 2003, we did kiss , after a heavy night of drinking..but after that he seemed really on for the 2 of us to give it a go and regualarly wanting to meet up and stuff. Things were fine until Christmas 2003 and then he had to go abroad again for 3 months. He came home a few times but I think things regressed. I just didn't think he wanted to move any further with us. When be came home in April, he didn't contact me and I actually thought he was dead. I did ring him after 2 weeks and he told me he was fine. We arranged to meet up and have been doing that since. I fould his behaviour very peculiar over the summer, stopped drinking, only wanted to meet me for a hour. I have tried on numberous occassions to raise the subject and eventually he told me he has depression and is going to a Councillor. I thought ok, will leave him be. Over last 3 months though, he is always wanting to meet me, if he hears I am out with others, he always wants to know the details and so and on. I met him last Sunday and plurted out 'I liked him and are we going to move with this relationship' He looked stunned and said he thought we were friends.. I said if he said nothing in next minute, I was going and never wanted to see him again....I walked off. I sent him an email the next day as I felt I didn't give him a chance to say anything and we met last Saturday. I wanted him to explain why he didn't want more than friendship..He said he can't believe I would give up a friendship with him and was really angry over this, he has a lot of personal issues, hence the Councillor and anti-depressants. He can' t commit to anything more but doesn't want me with anyone either, which confuses me even more. The night was so weird as he said he was not rejecting me, but what does he want? . I wanted to go home and he asked me to go for one more drinks which i did...on the way home I asked again was there any future and he said no. He said 'what do we have in common anyway?' He then wanted me to go back to his house to fool around but I refused to go...we kissed and then I left...as I got into taxi, he said 'don't hold out much hope for me.. ' I am quite shy and had to pluck up the courage to say what I said.. It is a week later now and I am refusing to make any contact with him (he too must be thinking the same as he hasn't contacted me) He knows I like him and I am absolutely devastated by all this and I can't belive he doesn't want me or want to contact me. I am 34 now and all my friends have settled down..I really feel I am alone. I really want to get in contact with him but everyone is telling me not to. I am so upset and just don't know what to do.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Zoomer, I have to agree with your friends. None of us can know ehat is in his mind, of course, but he has been pretty clear in his statements that he is not interested in a committed relationship with you (or maybe not with anyone). Whatever his reasons, pursuing him any further is unlikely to do anything except cause you more pain.

His statement that he is "not rejecting" you could mean many things but the most likely is that he feels he isn't rejecting you as a friend or occasional companion -- however, everything else he said tells me he does not want a committed relationship with you.

I think your best bet is to leave it to him to initiate any future contacts, and then decide whether you are even interested in those contacts -- and in the meantime to try to find the strength (or some help if necessary) to move on without him.

 

[zoomer]

Thanks for that...what you have put in words is the fact of the matter. I just have to accept it. Hopefully as the weeks go by, it will get easier.

 

[zoomer]

Contact after 4 months

Hello,

In early April, I banged into my friend by chance after not seeing or hearing from him in 4 months. I was so taken aback by meeting him. We had a polite conversation. Two weeks later I got a phone text from him asking to meet up. After some consideration, I agreed to meet (this was aided by the fact I actually saw him on the street the day he sent the text and I thought it was a sign I should meet him). When I did meet him, he had bought 2 tickets to see a movie! I didn't think it appropriate but nevertheless saw the movie and then he asked me to go for a drink afterwards. He wanted to know what I'd been doing, who I was going on holidays with and so on. I didn't tell him much!. A week later I got another phone text asking if I would start over and go on a date with him the next night. I couldn't go of course but suggested I meet him for a drink the following week. He told me he would be out of the country so I said I'd meet him when he got back.
I sent him a text when he got back and we agreed to meet before I went on holidays. On the day, he sent me a text to say he had to work late all week and asked if we could meet when I got back from holidays. I agreed and told him I'd be back June 14th. He repsonded by saying 'have a great time'. I never heard from him since. What am I supposed to do now? I was getting on without him and now he is back in my mind. I have started to wonder has something happened him and should I contact him but my pride is telling me otherwise. I am deeply upset again by his behaviour towards me. My questions are why did he ask to start over, why has he not pursued it and should I contact him?

 

[zoomer]

Contact after 4 months

Hello,

In early April, I banged into my friend by chance after not seeing or hearing from him in 4 months. I was so taken aback by meeting him. We had a polite conversation. Two weeks later I got a phone text from him asking to meet up. After some consideration, I agreed to meet (this was aided by the fact I actually saw him on the street the day he sent the text and I thought it was a sign I should meet him). When I did meet him, he had bought 2 tickets to see a movie! I didn't think it appropriate but nevertheless saw the movie and then he asked me to go for a drink afterwards. He wanted to know what I'd been doing, who I was going on holidays with and so on. I didn't tell him much!. A week later I got another phone text asking if I would start over and go on a date with him the next night. I couldn't go of course but suggested I meet him for a drink the following week. He told me he would be out of the country so I said I'd meet him when he got back.
I sent him a text when he got back and we agreed to meet before I went on holidays. On the day, he sent me a text to say he had to work late all week and asked if we could meet when I got back from holidays. I agreed and told him I'd be back June 14th. He repsonded by saying 'have a great time'. I never heard from him since. What am I supposed to do now? I was getting on without him and now he is back in my mind. I have started to wonder has something happened him and should I contact him but my pride is telling me otherwise. I am deeply upset again by his behaviour towards me. My questions are why did he ask to start over, why has he not pursued it and should I contact him?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's pretty difficult to know what is going on with this person but as I said before it doesn't seem to me that he has any genuine interest in a relationship with you or even a real friendship. He certainly doesn't seem to be very sensitive to the negative effect his behavior has on you... that doesn't bode well for any continuing friendship with him.

I would really suggest that you try to forget about him. If your importance to him can come and go so esily and so quickly, the best you can hope for from him is more distress and confusion.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's pretty difficult to know what is going on with this person but as I said before it doesn't seem to me that he has any genuine interest in a relationship with you or even a real friendship. He certainly doesn't seem to be very sensitive to the negative effect his behavior has on you... that doesn't bode well for any continuing friendship with him.

I would really suggest that you try to forget about him. If your importance to him can come and go so esily and so quickly, the best you can hope for from him is more distress and confusion.

 

[Laurie]

Dear Zoomer,

I totally feel your pain right now. I have never understood the inconsistencies in guys behaviour. I am dealing with a similar situation as my roommate and have become very close in a short time. We spent about 4 weeks together where the only time we were apart was at work. He even slept in my bed one night and started to kiss me but I wouldn't let him (so glad) so we just slept. The companionship and comfort was deeper and seemed more real than anything I have ever experienced - and yet, it seemed unreal since it was in such a short time. Well, a couple of weeks after the night in my bed (and two more nights in my room), I asked him if he was interested in me in a sexual way (since our conversations continued and got deeper and deeper but nothing physical) and he said no. We were supposed to talk that night (last Tuesday) and we ended up getting in a fight instead. He brought another girl home last night and had sex with her in his room next door. I had told him in the past that what he did was his own business, but that I couldn't handle it if he brought her home. We have an agreement with the four of us roommates that we won't do that and the other two have never respected the agreement (they are both women) but I never dreamed he would do something like that on the heels of our conversation that we never finished. I have no idea how to deal with the pain of his actions - other than I have nothing to say to him anymore. That will be hard since we live together, but I am completely empty now and I don't know what else to do. I hope that we both learn whatever we need to to not have to go through anything like this again.