Do Disrespectful People Make You Angry?

[David Baxter PhD]

Do Disrespectful People Make You Angry?
Posted by Buck Black, LCSW
Thu, Mar 5th 2009

The feeling of being disrespected is one of those things that often enrages people. Who has any tolerance for being disrespected? I hope no one does, actually. Willingly subjecting yourself to disrespectful people can cause plenty of problems, such as poor self esteem and bottled up anger. However, jumping to conclusions that you are being disrespected (when you are not) can cause plenty more problems.

Here is my question: What does it mean to be disrespected. Many people have a variety of answers for this one. Therefore, I do not think there is any one consensus on this definition. It is a feeling that people get and they know it when they see it?at least that?s what they think. Since this feeling is rather subjective, I want to point out the great possibility that its the person's thinking that is causing them to feel disrespected. This is often the case when the other person means no disrespect. Therefore, I urge everyone to step back and ask why they are having these feelings.

A person often feels disrespected when, for example, their child does not do as they are told. However, does the child say, "I want to disrespect my parent by not doing as I am told."? I really doubt that. The problem here is the parent views the behavior as "disrespectful," instead of seeing that there may be many reasons the child does not do as he/she is told (because they simply don't want to do it, they have ADHD, they have some strong negative feeling and so on).

Another person might feel disrespected when she is cutoff in traffic. She might say, ?I can?t believe how inconsiderate that idiot is!? This kind of thinking starts road rage incidents everyday. However, if she were to take a step back and think about the situation, there is a fair chance that he did not see her because of a blind spot in the mirror, or he was distracted by his young child. Yes, it is also possible that he cut her off on purpose, but this is rarely the case.

The number of explanations for ?disrespectful? behaviors are numerous. I encourage everyone to look at the actions behind these behaviors. A lot of people behave in a "disrespectful" manner because they are scared, they are trying to look tough to cover insecurities, they are blind to their own behavior, or they are simply angry in general. If you immediately tell yourself that you are being disrespected when a person does not behave the way you want them to, remind yourself that you are jumping to conclusions. Think about the alternative reasons the person is acting this way. Few people make it a goal to disrespect others.

Here are some quick one-liners that a person can ask themselves in order to reduce anger:

• Will (whatever makes me angry) matter one year from now? Will it matter one week from now?
• What right do I have that is being violated?
• How would the average person respond to this?
• How is getting angry about this really going to change anything?
• Other than anger, what else am I feeling?
• What belief do I have that is making me angry? Is that belief reasonable.
• What is really causing this person to behave in a matter that makes me angry?

 

[Retired]

Oh boy...do I enjoy encountering an impolite and disrespectful person!

It gives me a chance to play with them...and I do.

I'll usually ask them "Have we met before?" "Is there a reason that you're angry with me?"

Sometimes these questions will let the person realize their mood, often unintentional because they're having a bad day, and an apology will follow.

Otherwise, I'll pursue with more questions.

If it's in a store where I am a client, and if the person refuses to see the error of their ways, I'll call for the supervisor. If it is the supervisor, I'll leave, because I won't give my money to someone who is impolite.

There are situations where this approach can be non productive confrontation, such as a disrespectful police officer or customs officer, where there is nothing to gain in becoming adversarial.

The best thing to do in that situation is to tell them what they want to hear, be sure you the recipient of the bad behaviour is respectful, notice the persons's name if possible and consider launching a complaint later.

Sometimes people are just grumpy because of their work environment, and in that regard, healthcare workers come to mind.

Our overcrowded hospitals tend to frustrate employees, and sometimes the brief encounter is not worth escalating the situation.

What are other successful methods of diffusing situations involving disrespectful individuals?

 

[Atlantean]

It doesnt bother me. I just quit wasting my time with them and write'em off.

 

[Jazzey]

...Yes...

But I tend to be like Steve. I have a lot of fun with it. I tend to pour on the charm a little, try and shame them for the ill-behaviours. And like Steve, I will not give my money to people in the service industry who don't know how to treat customers.

In work situations, I will be as helpful as possible to people. But if they disrespect me, I become courteous - no more, no less. And any helpfulness from me is tossed out the window (unless I get an apology).

 

[NicNak]

This post reminds me of this quote. I am not sure where I got this from, but I do have the author.

I have a funny feeling it came from the Quoteable Quotes forum here, but not sure. So I apologize if I am posting someones quote post. Feel free to say who posted it if so

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

-Bishop Abel Muzorewa

This quote really effected me when I read it. I think it is about self preservation in times where people are trying to put us down and loving our fellow human.

 

[Budoaiki]

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

and how but that is why it takes strength.