Does this mean I'm uncaring?

[im_in_chains]

A friendship of 20 years ended just 3 days ago. Since that evening, I?ve been feeling relieved, happy and oh so fine!

Is this wrong?

This is the person I?m talking about from this thread

The importance of respecting differences - Page 2 - Psychlinks Psychology and Self-Help Forum

This makes perfect sense to me. My friend is exactly the same way. Like you, I find myself silently disagreeing with the offensive things she says and other things besides that which aren't offensive. She can be really nasty, sometimes. Woe betide you if you're 'fat' (verbatim), a Pakistani (she shortens that word) and anyone else she feels like slating.

I've sat with her listening to her tirades, for instance, when she goes on about how 'fat' people are disgusting and there's 'no excuse'. She speaks with such contempt! This hurts me because I'm overweight and trying to get it down - it's not easy and will take time. I haven't said anything about the pain she causes because I just don't know how to bring it up. I fear she'd make out like I was being too sensitive and that she wasn't referring to me.

Currently, she's slating someone who happens to do the same job as me but the more she talks and the words she uses such as replacing 'she' with 'they' or 'them', I can't help but wonder if she's using the grievance she has with this person as an opportunity to have a dig at me. Furthermore, from what she says about that and 'fat' people, I'm beginning to wonder whether she actually likes me at all.

She's very highly opinionated - in her mind, her opinions are always right and everyone else's are wrong. And sometimes, it's as if she sometimes sees opinions as facts. Her tirades are often full of arrogance. It's incredibly intimidating and because I'm a shy reticent person, although I'm ok around new people and can assert myself if necessary, around her, I find the prospect of debating/disagreeing with/confronting her quite scary. That's largely because in her storytelling she tells me of this 'stranger', who, if you dare to argue with or cross, will give you verbal hell. I say stranger because although it's supposedly her she's describing, I realised I've never actually met this verbal warrior she portrays herself to be. I suspect it's all bravado as in and she wouldn't really be as verbally aggressive as she likes me to believe; she talks the talk but wouldn't dream of walking the walk, so I suspect I don't have much to worry about on that score. "Feel the fear and do it anyway!"

After six months of hearing her insulting those who do the same jobs as me and suspecting she included me in that (de)valuation, I wrote her an email letting her know how hurt I was by some of the things she said. If I could have spoken to her in person, believe me, I would have but it was incredibly hard to speak whenever we were together as she?d just dominate the whole ?conversation?.

I sought much advice on the email and revised it twice before sending. It wasn?t attacking in any way. It was kind and honest. In it, I invited her to discuss the situation with me. However, less than an hour after reading it, she replied, defending herself (which I expected her to), standing by what she said (still insulting my profession) yet contradicting herself saying we?re a valuable resource then she ended our friendship and wished me well. I shed a few tears while reading that email and after I finished reading it, my tears stopped.

I acknowledged her ending the friendship and also wished her well. After that I felt mightily relieved.

The following day I get a message from her saying that although she may have lost my friendship, I?ve not lost hers and if I needed her, she was there for me. Hmmm, I seem to remember it was her who ended it. I?ve been hurting for many months, unable to tell her and now I have, her reaction was to end it. I just don?t want to go back to that.

I feel so at peace now it?s over and I?m sure it?s because I?ve been in pain for months and the relief is welcomed. She, however, has only been aware of anything being wrong since receiving my email so I?m guessing she?s going to feel pretty bad for a while, unless she puts on her armour of bravado and pretends she doesn?t care.

For a person to feel relieved after their friend has ended the friendship, what does that mean? Does it mean that they are uncaring. What I mean is, am I uncaring? Or does it mean that they simply recognised when something no longer felt right.

Thanks for reading.

 

[HA]

For a person to feel relieved after their friend has ended the friendship, what does that mean? Does it mean that they are uncaring. What I mean is, am I uncaring? Or does it mean that they simply recognised when something no longer felt right.

No it does not mean you are uncaring, IIC but instead as you said...simply recognising when something no longer felt right.

You did the right thing by letting your friend know how hurtful and uncomfortable you felt when she talked about people in a derogatory and demeaning manner. It is her choice to either learn and grow from that e-mail or not. If she chooses to end the friendship then it is a good thing that you can feel relieved that you no longer have to be subjected to something that is against your values and hurts your feelings.

If she learns and understands then you have helped her grow and it will better your friendship. If not then you are experiencing the natural process of friendship....friends come and go. There are more friends for you to meet.

 

[ladylore]

It also shows how you have grown and what is all right with you and what isn't.

 

[im_in_chains]

Thank you both so much for your reassuring messages. They have indeed been helpful especially as five days after her last text message, she sent me another one saying that she was sorry to bother me but she thought I?d like this. It was a text joke. Ok, the joke was a funny one. What's strange is that I don't ever remember her sending me a text joke before. If she has, it's been a rare occasion because I remember her always showing me text jokes she's received rather than forwarding them because she's on prepay and, understandably, she wanted to retain her credit for more necessary communication than forwarding jokes. I usually forward text jokes because I'm on a contract with a generous amount of SMS, only I went over last month for the first time ever by forwarding loads of jokes. Silly me!

Still, it's weird she should send me a text joke and I'm concerned that if I reply in any shape or form, she might see it as encouragement and an invitation to pick up our friendship.

As it stands, I've maintained silence, after all, she did suggest that course of action in the first place.

Thanks for reading

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think many of us would be relieved to be out of that kind of "friendship", chains. And like you, I'd probably not bother to reply to the text joke.

For one thing, I think that people who send out jokes don't usually expect a reply. It may be her way of trying to mend fences but (1) you may well wish to leave the fence broken, and (2) if that was the intent, it's a pretty ambiguous way of going about it.

 

[im_in_chains]

Thanks for your reply, David.

Had sending text joke been the norm for her, it wouldn't have struck me as something unusual but for the circumstances.

I've just received another message from her saying she's got me a Christmas present but it's too big to go in the post and could we meet for coffee sometime so she can give it to me!

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!!!!

OMG, I really don't want this. She did end the friendship so I don't know why she's doing this.

I have the same dilemma with something I'd already bought her a couple of months ago for Christmas which is also too big to go through the post and I decided I was instead going to donate it to charity.

 

[Into The Light]

OMG, I really don't want this. She did end the friendship so I don't know why she's doing this.

i have no idea why she's doing this either. i can see this being frustrating, confusing and unpleasant for you. i think you probably need to tell her you don't want to meet with her. this is just leaving you in a state of confusion and i imagine it's causing you stress as well.

 

[HA]

OMG, I really don't want this.

Just don't respond, IIC.

 

[Halo]

I agree with Ladybug that you may need to actually tell her that you want to have no contact with her. After all it was her decision but you are just reiterating what she has chosen and what you have decided as well.

However, if you are not feeling up to doing that HeartArt does make a good suggestion of just not responding and I am sure that she will get the hint.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do and remember that you have our support always :grouphug:

 

[im_in_chains]

Thank you LadyBug, HeartArt and Halo for your replies.

After some careful thought, I replied with this message:-

"I'm sorry [ex-friend], I don't feel comfortable receiving a gift. I'm also sorry that you regret saying we shouldn't remain in contact but I've accepted your decision and just want to move on now. Take care, IIC"

Half an hour later, I get a reply, "Oh honestly this is ridiculous! I got your present before our argument but now you're throwing it back in my face?! I didn't think you were like that IIC. I DO regret us falling our and REALLY WOULD like to sort it out and be friends again - I am aware that it was my fault and am trying to offer an olive branch, after all it is only our first major problem in all these years! But you don't want to know - you're more like me than you think, cold and hard. You should know that your gift will go to waste - I can't use it - but if you're happy with that then ok. [Ex-friend]"

Huh? Now am I getting this wrong here? I know she regrets us falling out and I acknowledge that, I'm not arguing that point at all. Also, I did invite a discussion in my first email but she didn't want to and suggested we no longer remain in contact. I accepted that and let her know that in my second email. Now I want to move on. Am I being rude here? I thought we agreed?

Ok, she's having second thoughts but my non-replies to her first two text messages should have been enough of an indication since we'd already agreed. But now this? And the name calling begins: cold and hard. Was that really necessary?

I just feel that text was as reactive as her email. That kind of reaction doesn't help resolve problems which is one of the reasons when she suggested we no longer remain in contact, I accepted. I don't want to deal with someone whose first reaction is to outwardly explode with words. Ok, I understand, to a point we all explode perhaps inwardly, think about it, and maybe we'll have a discussion with someone not directly involved, think about it some more, then respond. It still may be an explosion but at least some thinking has occurred rather than just spontaneously reacting.

Sigh. I don't know what else to say.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Her reaction is an example of why you found that "friendship" a burden in the first place, isn't it?

 

[im_in_chains]

Yes, David, you're right. That is indeed one of the reasons.

She was always very quick to judge, often harshly, about situations/people. She was very quick to criticise situations/people, to generally make out that because they were somehow different to her, they're bad or wrong. She wasn't willing to consider another point of view or in the very least try to understand it.

It was a lot of things all adding up. It just no longer felt good being in her presence hearing all that.