Don't know what to do

[SAN]

I am 24 years old and still feel like a child. I was going to university and then I kept on doing bad at school and got suspended. School has always been my life, i don't know what to do without it and constantly getting bad marks no matter how much time and effort I put in has destroyed me. I am a very shy person, i need to work with them before i can talk to them, and I think this habit of mine really lead to my ruin. In the 4 years i went there i didn't make a single friend, because we had very limited group interaction, and even when we did everyone just wanted to go there separate ways. Anywayz, in university i also didn't know what i wanted to do. I recently realized that i would really love to go into nursing. since i can't get into it directly because of my bad marks i had to apply for pre-nursing program.

my parents are without a doubt disappointed in me as I can well understand. The pre-nursing program is in windsor and i live in toronto, and they do not want me to go. All i want to do is start over, and hope I can regain some self-esteem and confidence through my college studies. MY dad said I can't go and that i have to do this program in toronto, and i don't know what to do. I need this fresh start. I need to get away from him because I really cannot stand him. He hates me and I understand that but, I don't want to see it anymore. staying in toronto for university was the biggest mistake i ever made. i cannot do confrontation. i just cannot seem to be able to stand up to him. He is away from toronto right now, and i feel like if I don't leave now, I can never be the person i want to be. I cannot even imagine being with him any longer.

I hope someone can give me any insight because my friends want me to leave home no matter if i go to windsor or not, and as much as I do not want to put my parents in a tough position, the alternative is unimaginable. I just want to get a third-party opinion.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks, San.

Is there anyone other than friends you can talk to about this? Relatives for example? A therapist or counsellor?

 

[ladylore]

Hi San
Welcome to the forum. :welcome2:

 

[Into The Light]

welcome san, nice to meet you. :welcome:

it sounds like you may feel like you're in a hurry right now. i was just wondering, how long is your dad away for? what kind of relationship do you have with your parents? can you elaborate on why do your friends think you should leave home?

 

[Halo]

Hi San and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I am glad that you decided to join this forum and talking about what is troubling you is the first step....glad you are here

 

[SAN]

Not really. In terms of relatives, I have my mom and my brother. My mom just wants me to do whatever I do in Toronto. My brother thinks I should go for it but, is also scared about my dad's reaction to it. His exact words were "he'll kill you", which in all honesty is what I think too but, the alternatives just are not imaginable. The alternatives being I could stay and wait till september to apply to the nursing/pre-nursing program in toronto, which would mean he would continue to control my life for the next 4/5 years. I will be totally honest and say that it is not even the control I have a problem with. I just cannot take the everyday yelling. I have not been able to think of a place or thing I can do or go when he gets home (no, reading in my room did not work). In a way as I am writing this, I am more convinced that I have to do this but, I am just so scared of him and what he'll do. I am scared that after I leave, it's all going to come down on my mom because I honestly don't think my brother ever wants to get sucked back in this drama. At the same time, i have always hated the fact that my mother did not to this day have the courage to leave him. I am glad my brother did even though, after he left it all came down on me. I am scared he's going to come down to windsor and make a big fuss at my residence or call or e-mail and i will be too defenceless and frozen to do anything.

Besides my mom and my brother, I have my colleagues at work. Most of them had an unfortunate experience with him, so they think I should just go.

In a way I know i have to do this, but at the same time because I am scared of some of the consequences, i don't know if I should or can.

welcome san, nice to meet you. :welcome:

it sounds like you may feel like you're in a hurry right now. i was just wondering, how long is your dad away for? what kind of relationship do you have with your parents? can you elaborate on why do your friends think you should leave home?

I am in a hurry because school starts on January 8 and I want to go. I have to move into residence by January 6.

My dad didn't tell us when he was coming back but, I heard him talk to his friend before he left and he told his friend he would meet him on the 9th, so i think he's coming back on the 10th or 11th.

I have a good relationship with my mother. I think in a lot of ways even though she just hates the way my dad talks and treats me, she just wants me to do whatever I do, to be in toronto or close to it. she's a nurse so, she was very excited when I decided to go into nursing. when i told her that I got accepted into windsor for the pre-nursing ( a program designed for people who don't have enough marks to get into the nursing program directly), she started telling me to go into a different career or how tough it is. I just feel like after the amount of years i spent trying to get an idea of what i do, when i finally have some focus and direction in my life, all they are concerned with is, whatever you do has to be in toronto. To me this is a big breakthrough i never imagined i would have. At the moment i am angry with her because two days when my dad was telling me that I am simply not allowed to go to windsor, she turned around and asked me if I was doing this in windsor because I wanted to get away. I honestly thought that my mom understood me but it just turns out she doesn't have a clue.

I cannot stand my dad. By this, I mean I am constantly walking on eggshells around him. when he starts yelling, he is a person who can really express his disguist in me with his words and his face. I unfortunately turned out be a person who is just afraid of confrontation, just hoping someone will rescue me. I wish he could like me because even with his controlling tendencies, i think he is just trying to protect us and make sure we don't take a wrong step. I just think he should stop interferring in our lives, because he has lived his life and I don't understand why he gets to live mine too, and I definitely think he should not dictate my mothers. I don't like the way he treats her, and every time he goes in a dictator mode, i lose respect for him and my mother because she just takes it. Facing him is like having to face a dementor.

my friends think I should leave because the ones that know me from high school when i didn't have as much problems with him because it was all going to my brother, think I am just emotionally and mentally spiralling down. My colleagues and work friends who had a first hand experience with him, think I should leave because I need to learn to live my life and not be constatly worry about what my dad might say. I think they want me to be more self-confident, and they too think if i continue to live at home, I am just bringing it on myself.

It's actually ironic but i think the reason my dad hates me so much is because I am not confident and I am too slow but, really he's just scares the hell out of me and i am afraid that anything i do wrong will bring on the rage.

Hi San and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I am glad that you decided to join this forum and talking about what is troubling you is the first step....glad you are here

thank you. I am glad I joined this forum. I think i should have talked to a therapist long ago but, I just have this thing of not being able to talk to people about my personal life if i don't know them. Writing about it, is so much easier. I know it sucks, and If i do decide make it to windsor, I will definitely drag myself to a counsellor's office.

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks, San.

At 24 your father should be able to let you manage your own life decisions as an adult. You cannot change his behaviour, but you can manage yours.

"he'll kill you", which in all honesty is what I think too

Do you mean this literally or figuratively? The statement is troubling, and if meant literally would appear that you need to take measures to ensure your personal safety while separating yourself from a dangerous and controlling situation.

 

[rebecca8]

Your father has similar behavior to my mother's. Is he verbally abusive toward you? I can definitely relate to how someone's words can just shatter your self-confidence. My mom has also had some unfortunate experiences with some of my old friends. I have the same worries as you about that.
Do you have everything set up at your new residence? Does he know the address? Is it on campus? I think that schools may be prepared to deal with overbearing parents. There could be someone you could ask about that. I'm not sure of the title of the faculty, maybe someone else here has a better idea.
When your brother left, you had to deal with your father, and it sounds like you're at your breaking point. Maybe, if you leave, your mom will get so fed up and leave too. I really feel for you. I wonder if your school work is being affected by the stress you face at home. I really hope you can get out.

 

[Into The Light]

san, whenever i hear stories about someone being in an abusive situation like yours, the first thought i have is, get out asap. that being said, your physical safety is number 1. i cannot assess if you are in actual danger of your dad physically hurting you as a result of this.

you do seem to have a problem with timing right now, 6 days isn't a lot to prepare to leave.

you say school starts january 6th, is there any way you could start in windsor in may or june? (not sure of when their next semester is.) i am suggesting this so you could buy some time to plan this more carefully with the help of someone experienced in helping people leave abusive situations.

my number one concern is your safety. as tsow said, will he kill you literally or figuratively?

 

[Mark Shaw]

Hi San,
I really feel for you because i have had a horrible opinion of my father over the years and at points felt like hurting him. I moved out of home in october 2000 and he helped me move, and it was only then that i had enough space to relax a little and assess my situation.

Since that day i have changed a lot, my father has not, but our relationship has also. I see things differently through having a stronger self identity, more confidence and a better awareness of how emotions emerge.

I think you father could hate himself more than he hates anyone and so projects this hatred everywhere, especially to the people close to him.

It is interesting to try and see things from a different angle sometimes.

BUT it is very difficult to see things openly in some situations and it sounds like yours could be one of them.

I wonder WHY your parents really want you to stay in Toronto. Could it be that they are controlling or on the flipside could it be that they are only trying to express some kind of love or care.

San i have had therapy for 18 months and my therapist was very non judging, understanding and very easy to talk to about EVERYTHING, so i would strongly advise visiting someone like this or finding a soul mate to talk seriously with.

Sometimes it is impossible to sort things out alone and the first step can be external assistance.

Keep fighting San, YOU WILL get there.