Emptiness and sadness

[Cat Dancer]

I didn't exactly know where to put this, but it does relate somewhat to therapy so I put it here.

I know I have a deep emptiness inside me. Sometimes I just feel like a little baby who wants to cry and cry until someone comes and helps me. I also know that this is something that only I can fill or do something with. I've always been taught religious answers to this emptiness. Honestly I just feel so defective and inadequate, like I can't even meet my own needs. And I have this big, gaping hole inside that just aches for someone to fill with their love. And it won't happen. It just isn't realistic. People can't meet other people's needs that way and shouldn't be expected to.

There is a longing for my therapist to be my parent and to meet that need. That is unrealistic.

I know this is a trait of BPD. I haven't been diagnosed with that, but sometimes I wonder if I do have it.

How does one fill the hole or do we all just walk around aching to be loved and cared for?

 

[Banned]

I wish I could tell you the answer to this but I can't. I can, however, tell you that it's exactly what I'm going through as well and something I've started to talk about a bit at therapy so you definitely aren't alone in feeling what you feel. It's very very tough feeling this way....I get the loneliness and achiness. I think the only way to not feel this way is to talk about it in therapy because the solution is two-fold -deal with the transference issue and figure out how to develop meaningful relationships or self-nurture so those feelings can be met. And while doing that, addressing the underlying issues that build/deepen/reinforce those feelings

have you talked to your therapist about these feelings?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I've talked a little bit about it. We haven't really talked about where it comes from or what to do about it, just that I feel it.

 

[Banned]

Ok. You're at the same place I am then. I have therapy tomorrow and want to know how to make it go away. I'm pretty sure its not a fast or easy fix.

 

[forgetmenot]

i don't know if i have hole that needs to be filled i do have a deep sadness though and yes sometimes i feel like a scared child but i know that that is not so I guess we all are looking for someway to find healing peace inside I wish i knew how to reached that but for now talking to your therapist i think who can guide you like Turtle has said hun would be the best way to fill that emptiness

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am scared of dealing with this. It does make me feel very small and very helpless which are not good feelings. Does that make sense?

 

[forgetmenot]

It does make one feel helpless and small but we know CD now that these feeling are not true because we are not small anymore and we certainly are not helpless hugs

 

[Banned]

It is scary, CD. But as you deal with it and talk about it it becomes less scary. You will start to feel empowered.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm scared I want too much. I know I can never get the things I missed as a child. I can never make up for that. And I know that no one gets all their needs/wants met and that's just life. I'm just worried that my need is way too great and I am always going to feel empty and sad and alone and lost. I want SO much to connect to people on one hand and on the other hand it terrifies me.

I want to withdraw from everyone so that I won't get hurt. So I won't expect anything and won't be let down.

I feel like I have no clue about what is ok to get from other people.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch
He said to me, "You must not ask for so much"
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door
She cried out to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

~ Leonard Cohen, Bird on a Wire

If you settle for less, less is exactly what you'll get...

 

[forgetmenot]

You hun can get whatever you need you have to ask for it you have to reach out for it.

Yes fear is what stops us i unlike you do not want to connect i am tired of feeling the pain of rejection but that is my choice hun

If you want connection then you have to let go of the fear CD and try ok.

If you do not try you will never move from the spot your in.

I am content where i am being on my own being safe but you are wanting connections so reach out hun ok

Who says you cannot have what we did not have as a child You can have that connection you can have care and compassion if you reach out for it

 

[MHealthJo]

It is definitely okay, CD, to want and to look for some care, compassion, and lovingness from someone. Sometimes we cannot exactly control WHO it comes from, but we can reach out and find these things from friendships or various types of connections... It is okay to want and reach for those things.

I hear you, it can definitely be confusing though, trying to figure out just "how much" of it to look for or expect from each individual person, and what exactly it will look look like, coming from each individual. If there is one thing I know, "love" and "caring" can mean very different things to each person, and can be shown (or attempted to be shown!!) in different ways by each person... different ways that different people are "good at", and there will be other ways that a person is weak in. It can leave us feeling unloved or even hurt, but then if we can get a good communication with the other person, sometimes we find it's down not to a lack of care, friendship or love, but the huge array of differences in people and their backgrounds.

And of course, making connections or receiving care, compassion, love, or friendship from a person cannot solve our problems, or replace the self-care we need to give ourselves. THAT is not something to expect from another person; they can't give it.

But this friendship, care, and support that others CAN give - this is still an important and positive thing though, and can be a very positive and supportive thing as we go on our journeys.

I think it is wonderful that you are talking about these things you crave or about wanting connections, even if you are also scared. I think that's fantastic.

Keep talking about these subjects with your therapist; maybe read about it some more too...... I can't think of a good resource at the moment.... wonder if your T could recommend one?

Just curious also: (hope this is not confronting or anything - sorry CD if it comes across that way) - how do you feel about online connections such as us here at the forum? I can imagine it is difficult sometimes for those to feel as "real" as physical interpersonal contact.

Is that what it is? Or is it something else?

Depression can make us feel so very alone, unwanted, out of place, insignificant, and disconnected, even when this is not the case, and when there truly are people who do really like us, love us, care about us, and feel connected to us. Its amazing the power of depression in the way it does this, how it can render what we do have into a huge "zero" somehow.

Thinking of you CD.

xoxo

 

[MHealthJo]

(Oh, and don't worry about trying to answer the question if you don't want to, or if I've put you on the spot a bit. Just something that might spark a useful line of thought to explore maybe; not sure.
) xx

 

[Cat Dancer]

To me, I think of you all as my friends. My real friends. I have gotten a lot of much appreciated support from you all.

 

[MHealthJo]

Aww, that's wonderful CD! I'm glad you are able to feel this connection and friendship that we do feel, too.

You're a special, significant and valuable person, and a cute kitty.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it's hard realizing that i have to get this sense of love or self worth of being filled with something good from myself. I can't expect to get that from someone else. I'm really struggling with that. My therapist talks about unconditional positive regard, but I guess it isn't the same thing as really getting your inner needs met. I'm sad that I have to do this myself. I can't even eat right. How can I figure this out?

 

[Meg]

That's a very personal thing in some ways, I think, but I can tell you what I did for myself as an example.

I think one of the best decisions I made in my journey was starting to get a massage every month. I didn't have a good relationship with my body at the time and it took me a while to start to relax properly. Now I absolutely love it. I got used to allowing someone else to nurture me and care for me in a safe environment where there were rules. It told her my history right from the beginning and she worked with me to develop a routine that I am comfortable with. I also did little things to show kindness to myself. Once upon a time I gave my feet a really hard time with self-harm and they're quite scarred, unfortunately. I started exfoliating my feet each week and massaging moisturiser into them - kind of saying 'sorry' to them, I guess. I also discovered that burning essential oils at home was really grounding and I take pleasure in scouting out new scents that appeal to my sense of smell. I guess what I'm saying is that I learned to self-soothe without doing nasty things to myself, which was quite new at the time!

I'm not saying that you should necessarily get a massage, burn some oil, and moisturise your feet! That might not appeal to you at all! Those are just things that I identified as meeting some of my needs for nurture and self-compassion, and though they may not sound like much I believe that they, among other things like them along the way, helped me a great deal to develop a more forgiving attitude towards myself. I felt better about myself when I was kinder to myself. Maybe you could have a think about one way that you give yourself a hard time and do something that symbolises giving yourself a bit of a break?

I have a very prominent "NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!" monologue that goes on in my head a lot of the time, and part of my battle has been learning to change my relationship with that message. It hasn't really gone away, but I respond to it differently to the way that I used to, usually by punishing myself somehow. The things I've talked about above are ways of treating myself as if I am good enough. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but good enough. Unconditional positive regard doesn't mean that you think you do everything right. Nobody does that. It means that, whatever the situation, we give ourselves permission to be less than perfect and realise that we are still valuable and worthwhile. At least, that's what it means to me, anyway.

Sorry that's a bit waffly and I'm not even quite sure whether it answers your question!

 

[MHealthJo]

Great great post!! Thank you Meg.


There is an excellent section in my CBT bible "Feeling Good", CD, about how we've gotta start treating ourselves in some ways that we WOULD, if we believed we WERE "okay" or "good enough".

Maybe we don't believe that. Maybe it seems totally untrue and wrong.

.....But if we don't start out with a little "faking it"..... start "acting" it a bit, even if we don't believe it.....

....we'll stay pretty much where we are, and keep feeling the worse feelings.....



....and we'll keep believing that that's just what we deserve.

It's a strange self-sustaining cycle; and just about ANY small thing you start doing, which deviates from that cycle, can be a start of different things for you.

You may need assistance from your therapist, books, support from here etc, to cope with initial discomfort or anxiety that may arise from a different way of treating yourself.

But you will get through it and it will subside.

And it will end up being the most "worth it" discomfort you will ever experience.

xox

---------- Post Merged at 02:59 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:28 AM ----------

(Oh... and I can definitely imagine that it must be awfully hard to think that you are capable of helping yourself etc right now, because of the difficult battle you've got with things like eating, intrusive thoughts,etc. It must be so difficult and confusing.

But you know what honey? Don't worry if eating, or other things that seem so fundamental, happen to not be the 'good thing' you are able to do for yourself right now.

Some things that would be 'great' to do differently just happen to be the very things that are hardest, with your particular illnesses. If those are not things you can do well right now, don't worry CD. Choose something else... just about anything, really.....

Just start somewhere, anywhere.....

...and try not to let what you perceive as 'failure', in other areas, make you feel that you are incapable of something else that could be good for you. These things that are awfully difficult for you are symptoms of complex illnesses, for which you deserve compassion. But they do not make you incapable of other things which might be a bit easier to start on...


If you can think of any small thing you might be able to do CD, we would love to hear it when you think of it, and would love to encourage and support you....?

And please remember you have already done certain very difficult things and succeeded.

-You are still here;
-You haven't quit going to therapy;
-You have been talking to us about your feelings and challenges and seeking help and guidance;
-You find and post lovely things here that you find to share with us;
-You are an active and supportive part of this healthy community;
-You have battled on with taking medicines and dealing with challenges of treatment.

You CAN do good things CD.......

Use us to help you gradually keep weeding out barriers to getting better. We all have them, but with support we can weed them out. I've already seen you doing that. Keep discussing them, until you get closer and closer to getting at them. And that's not easy. You're doing it right now, in this thread! Proud of you CatDancer. xx