Hi:
I’m new to this forum and I’m not really sure why I’m writing this… I believe that it reaches a point in one’s life when we need to face the facts and accept reality. For years I have tried everything to help me get better but nothing has worked, life is getting worse and all hope is disappearing fast. I have suffered from depression for a very long time (most of my life?) and have a severe case of PTSD. I have tried every single anti-depressant there is, alone and in combination with anti-psychotics, was in hospital for a few weeks over three years ago (one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had!), and have had lots of counselling including EMDR/cognitive therapy since September of last year. In addition to my severe depression, for the few years I have also been feeling completely detached from everything and everybody, neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist seem to understand the depth of this detachment which is getting increasingly worse. Every aspect of my life has crumbled and I have difficulty functioning at all, except perhaps for my professional life which I’m still managing to have under control and remains quite successful. However, the anti-depressants I’m taking are affecting my concentration and memory making it very difficult to perform well and at the level I’m used to and demand of myself so I’m not sure how much longer I can continue pretending that everything is OK and “fooling” others (I’m also peri-menopausal right now which doesn’t help at all). I get up every morning wishing I had not awaken at all, and think about the futility of continuing with this agonizing life every hour of my very dark days. All I’ve been wishing is that it would end soon, but haven’t got the courage to end it yet, what stops me is mainly the thought of causing a lot of pain to my family and there is also so much that I’d still like to accomplish professionally. But I’ve come to believe that one needs to accept when there is only one way out, when the hope of ever finding any light at the end of the tunnel is gone and when it has become clear that there is never going to be any improvement and that all there is going to be is this dark and agonizing existence. I’ve been at the bottom of this very, very dark hole for too long and all I do is to sink deeper and deeper every day. I feel safer writing about this here because of anonymity, if I were to mention this to my doctor or therapist they would probably put me back in hospital and try to talk me out of it, however I don’t think that anybody has the right to decide what’s best for me, especially when this is a conclusion I have reached after long years of trying very hard, and after a lot of thought and reflection. It’s not a decision taken out of desperation but arrived at after a lot of careful consideration.
I don’t know if any of this has made any sense at all, I hope that whoever reads this can understand me…
MR
I’m new to this forum and I’m not really sure why I’m writing this… I believe that it reaches a point in one’s life when we need to face the facts and accept reality. For years I have tried everything to help me get better but nothing has worked, life is getting worse and all hope is disappearing fast. I have suffered from depression for a very long time (most of my life?) and have a severe case of PTSD. I have tried every single anti-depressant there is, alone and in combination with anti-psychotics, was in hospital for a few weeks over three years ago (one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had!), and have had lots of counselling including EMDR/cognitive therapy since September of last year. In addition to my severe depression, for the few years I have also been feeling completely detached from everything and everybody, neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist seem to understand the depth of this detachment which is getting increasingly worse. Every aspect of my life has crumbled and I have difficulty functioning at all, except perhaps for my professional life which I’m still managing to have under control and remains quite successful. However, the anti-depressants I’m taking are affecting my concentration and memory making it very difficult to perform well and at the level I’m used to and demand of myself so I’m not sure how much longer I can continue pretending that everything is OK and “fooling” others (I’m also peri-menopausal right now which doesn’t help at all). I get up every morning wishing I had not awaken at all, and think about the futility of continuing with this agonizing life every hour of my very dark days. All I’ve been wishing is that it would end soon, but haven’t got the courage to end it yet, what stops me is mainly the thought of causing a lot of pain to my family and there is also so much that I’d still like to accomplish professionally. But I’ve come to believe that one needs to accept when there is only one way out, when the hope of ever finding any light at the end of the tunnel is gone and when it has become clear that there is never going to be any improvement and that all there is going to be is this dark and agonizing existence. I’ve been at the bottom of this very, very dark hole for too long and all I do is to sink deeper and deeper every day. I feel safer writing about this here because of anonymity, if I were to mention this to my doctor or therapist they would probably put me back in hospital and try to talk me out of it, however I don’t think that anybody has the right to decide what’s best for me, especially when this is a conclusion I have reached after long years of trying very hard, and after a lot of thought and reflection. It’s not a decision taken out of desperation but arrived at after a lot of careful consideration.
I don’t know if any of this has made any sense at all, I hope that whoever reads this can understand me…
MR
