More threads by Looking For Answers


I am 23 years old, male, half Asian and half white. I joined these forums because I felt completely alone in my struggles with marijuana dependency, amongst other things, and wanted to hear about others going through similar situations as mine. I know weed gets put on a pedestal as a "non-addictive" drug. I just want to say that that is a bunch of bullsh*t. I have seen countless individuals, including myself, p*ss away years of their lives glued to a computer or t.v. screen with nothing to show for it but a stagnant life, broken friendships, and an impaired memory. Yes, I will acknowledge that weed is not as powerful of a drug as say oxycotton, meth, or heroine. But it is addictive and it has tainted or destroyed many of my relationships with co-workers, lovers, and friends.

So basically, I hate myself for all the times that I have ****ed up my body from hardcore substance abuse and over exercising to the point where I sustain lifelong injuries. I read about a dozen of the forum posts on depression and substance abuse and CLEARLY fit all the prerequisites for self-destructive depression. I am one of those people that is always trying to escape their reality, I think I am just more conscious of it and willing to admit that I have a problem. I'm surrounded by people who seek to escape from the harsh reality that is their lives, they too struggle to get clean, relapse, and even in sobriety I have seen them seek alternate means of escape (video gaming, tv, obsession with sports). What am I running from? Reality of course. Because the real world for me all too often consists of being bored out of my mind at home.

I can't exercise at the moment due to my reflux and bad shoulder, but I do crave exercise like a drug (at least when I'm not on drugs). I just wish there was some way I could be less extreme. I have tried to exercise moderation many times, but I am always left feeling unsatisfied if I don't take it to the very limit or past it. I always need to lift one more set of weights, do one more wind sprint, take one more shot, one more pill, one more everything. Nothing satisfies me until I have reached a point of no return. This often results in blackouts, alcohol poisoning, extensive vomiting from OC overdosing, chronic lung infections due to over smoking marijuana (I've had five), extreme exhaustion lasting days on end due to overexercising as well as physical injuries including my shoulder/back/knee.

Enough blathering for now. What I would like to ask you is: How can I stop craving such extremes? What needs to change in my mindset, in my life, in order for me to stop this craving for pushing myself to the breaking point? I've done it so many times and hurt myself so badly in the past that I have honestly traumatized myself. That is to say that I am afraid of myself and that I fear the excruciating pain that I will soon bring upon my already miserable and broken down body. Sometimes I am gravely afraid of the thoughts that spin around in my head which often tend towards violence and self-destructive behavior. The second my body reaches a manageable level of pain I inevitably go out and drink or smoke until I can't think anymore.

I just don't want to think when my thoughts are undesirable. When I was chronically and more severely depressed I often wished for a lobotomy or some means of permanent sedation in order to escape my own mind and thoughts. Yeah, that's in the past though, what I'm really looking to do now is to curb my craving for extreme behavior. Whatever, this is crazy. I just wanted to talk to someone who understands my state of mind and could possibly offer some words of wisdom.

I think the whole of it is that I chronically pity myself, "Poor me, I'm in pain and no one else is, (and countless other complaints), I deserve to just get wasted and not do anything with my life because I have it soo bad wAaaa". How do I not be such a baby? My friend says I'm soft like tofu, at least on an emotional level. :(

I live and breathe intensity and I want it to stop. It's so mentally straining I end up feeling completely exhausted just from my own thoughts. Explosive, inappropriate anger and borderline suicidal depression are two ends of the spectrum I often bounce between. Sometimes I find myself feeling very empathetic and loving towards others, but this is a sort of manic euphoria that I always know won't last. And it only makes me dread the oncoming waves of emotions that will be anything but euphoric.

A little more about what my seemingly generic suburban life is like

So, right now I am doing my best to stay squeaky clean. Physical ailments aside, the one thing that really brings about the urge to smoke is boredom. I live in the suburbs and, as I'm sure many of you well know, children in upper middle class suburbs are bored out of their minds and tend towards drugs and binge drinking as a means of escape. We are the privileged sons and daughters of hard working immigrants. We do not need to hold steady jobs growing up because our parents spoil us with their six figure salaries. So what's a kid to do when he or she has all the time in the world, a bunch of friends in similar dispositions, and several hundred dollars to blow?

After coming back from college I was clean off weed and drugs for about five months and started working at a nice desk job, then I badly messed up my shoulder weight lifting and also managed to incite overwhelming tendinitis in both of my arms. I couldn't even type without extreme pain (Just gripping a small object like a mouse felt kind of like someone flicking your private parts).

Soon I was addicted to OC for several months, thankfully I was able to stop after railing so much OC that I was violently ill for eight hours and still reeling for about two days after. I would like to point out that the main difference between opiates and weed is that on weed you still have that "annoying" voice in the back of your head saying, "You're such a bum, why don't you do something more meaningful with your life?" On OC that dwindling voice of reason seemed to be replaced with a gollum esque creature that fiendishly cried for more opiates the second that my peak wore off. On the flip side I have a friend who indulges in OC, heroine, and meth casually and says that she enjoys having deep and meaningful conversations with friends on opiates. She is also the only person I know with the ability to moderate hardcore drugs.

I spend no time socializing here and the one friend I do have is somewhat difficult to talk to about depression or addiction. He immediately turns into a broken record repeating the phrase "you just have to stay positive". I can't really blame him though. Indulging complaints can be like listening to nails on a chalkboard sometimes.

[Warning: The following is a List of complaints/Whining]
I am presently recovering from a severe case of acid reflux disease which is a result of a solid weeks worth of blackout binge drinking. I work at a Chipotle and nearly added some stomach salsa to some customers burrito the other day. I'm also dealing with a shoulder injury that I sustained about seven months ago. It's not really getting better and physical therapy didn't do the trick, I don't like the idea of surgery so I'm just trying to tough it out in the hopes it will eventually stop causing me constant discomfort. This shoulder thing is what really keeps me down and brings me back to smoking weed. . . .
I have a bachelor's in Psych from a UC, but unfortunately it would appear that the only positions available to someone with my resume are taking care of autistic children and elderly people. I can't really handle either of those mentally (violent kids/old people dying) or physically (lifting kids/lifting old people). So I'm looking to get started on applying for grants to grad school, I'm just kind of struggling to find motivation to work. I figure I'll start after my acid reflux stops hurting so badly. Who knows what excuse I'll come up with to not work once my reflux is gone though.

If anyone read even half this posting, I would like to say THANK YOU! I am an aspiring psychologist and would be happy to hear out anyone's trials and tribulations.
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