Existential therapy

[MHealthJo]

You need to let go of your husband's judgments CD because they are not in your best interests, don't make sense, and are unfair. You have to at some point accept that you are not worth less than anyone else, you are a mother to children, and you having some support and treatment and help to get through life is necessary... and the road away from that will not be a workable road for you for awhile yet. And that's okay because health needs are legitimate needs like food or water or shelter, etc. Just have to let go of opinions or thoughts to the contrary.

Just the same as how we do not worry about a silly story a child says or a fantastical tabloid story - we don't pay attention to or concern ourselves with opinions that are wrong, only the truth matters.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just don't see how I can ever, ever see myself as worth anything. There are no words for how I am. It's not good.

 

[MHealthJo]

Do you remember a time when you did not think that way CD?

If you can't, then all that that means is you have never been treated with a sense of worth from the beginning. That's all it means. It doesn't mean actually anything about you. Only about other people.

It does make it harder to think in a different way though, if we mentally and emotionally stay connected with people who treat us without worth and value and respect. It is a tough one. xx

 

[Cat Dancer]

I can't stop crying. I feel so abandoned and repulsive. My new therapist asked if I wanted to have him get records from my old therapist so he could see what the treatment etc. was. I do not want this. I don't. I did call my old therapist and left a message about this and how much it would cost. He called back and left a message about how it wouldn't cost anything and he was glad I found someone and he'd be glad to do this for me and so on and i feel SO SO SO hurt and lost. What did I do that he abandoned me like he did? Why? I know I'm supposed to just move on, but it hurts so much. I want to go back to him and fix things and finish therapy with HIM. I don't understand what I did wrong. I don't. If I don't know what I did wrong then I can't have another therapy relationship because what if i do the same thing again. It hurt so much to see his number on the phone and hear his voice and him not want me as a client anymore. He's most likely glad I'm someone else's problem now and he doesn't have to worry about me anymore.

This sounds stupid and silly, but I am in so much pain.

 

[Retired]

My new therapist asked if I wanted to have him get records from my old therapist so he could see what the treatment etc. was. I do not want this. I don't.

Why would you object to your new therapist gaining some understanding and insights into your medical history...especially if the previous guy isn't charging you anything.

I see that as a great opportunity and would jump on it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Honestly, my gut feeling is that it is a very bad idea. I need a fresh start and I'm not going to do it. I don't have to do it. My new therapist says he will totally understand if I don't want to and he will still work with me anyway.

My post was mainly about the pain that is STILL there after all these months of the old therapist.

 

[Harebells]

Hi Cat Dancer - so sorry you're in so much pain after having contact with your old therapist. I went on a downward spiral after a therapist ditched me after three sessions and also after a nurse who had told me I could call her for a chat any time suddenly wouldn't take or return my calls (and I was calling her very rarely - I honestly wasn't hounding the woman!) and these were people who I only knew for a very short time, so I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to be abandoned by someone who supported you and who you bared your soul to over several years. I think maybe you are going through a grieving process and also that your reaction is totally normal and understandable given the circumstances. It sucks the way your therapist ended things. Do you think you could ask your new therapist to really commit to not ever ending the relationship in the same way the last one did? I totally understand that it must be hard to trust someone again but therapists are all so different to one another...
Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, please don't be hard on yourself - you haven't done anything wrong xx

---------- Post Merged at 10:34 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:52 AM ----------

...Also, I guess your relationship with your last therapist is overshadowed by the pain of the way it ended...but maybe over time as the pain lessens you will feel you did get some benefit from the relationship? I don't know, just a thought, I know it doesn't help right at this moment anyway, I guess I just mean that you probably did a lot of good work with your old therapist and it wasn't all for nothing. But yeah, the not knowing why something ended is just horrible. Best wishes x

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks. I really don't think about it much anymore. When I do it is just so painful. It's not constantly on my mind now though.

In the scheme of things in life it's very small. I am very blessed in so many ways. There is so much pain in the world. People without food and clean water. People who live in very unsafe conditions. People who just struggle to have the basics of life. I have so much. I think about all this and I think worrying about therapy seems so silly. It's a luxury in a way. Not something I need to live.

It would have been nice to get some kind of closure from the old therapist, but life is messy and not neat most of the time and that is the way it is. I'm sure the pain will crop up from time to time and the wondering WHY, but I can't change anything about it. I do blame myself in a lot of ways. I know I should have been more dedicated and not messed around so much. I have regrets.

I don't know. I wonder if all this focus on my mental health is damaging in a way. It seems to take away from my actual life. I need to just LIVE life and stop thinking so much.

And I am SO glad to not have an OCD diagnosis anymore. That is freeing. This therapy may not last long due to him not feeling able to help me with my eating disorder, but it is a fresh start and for that I am glad.

---------- Post Merged at 09:33 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:49 AM ----------

I wonder a lot if it's all about seeking attention, posting here, going to therapy, cutting, burning, starving, purging. It's all some sort of sick, twisted way of attention-seeking. Not good. Not good at all. I need to face these things though and see myself for who I really am. Face it.

---------- Post Merged at 09:41 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:33 AM ----------

I think I might be thinking too much this morning. LOL. I just think my problems/issues/whatever are "made up" problems. They're not real. They're made up by me. I mean I did these things to myself. And do these things to myself. My choice. You know? I make bad choices in taking care of myself. I don't deserve help with this. I don't deserve sympathy or understanding. I want so much to explain this and I know I'm not doing a good job. There are people who have real problems though and they deserve help. I need to stop this stupid stuff.

---------- Post Merged at 11:38 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:41 AM ----------

I just feel like there is so much awfulness in me, toxic, evil stuff. I have told my new therapist this and he doesn't seem to understand. Whatever i did to my old therapist I am so scared I will do to the new one. Harmed him, overwhelmed him, made him not know what to do or how to help me. I am so scared. And so anxious. The anxiety is so overwhelming. It is terrifying. Maybe I can't be helped. And I know it's my fault. I know that. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for being here. And being harmful. I can't stop this thinking. I can't think.

 

[Harebells]

Yeah I do get what you mean and I think a lot of people with mental health problems have that struggle, feeling like it's not a real problem and they should just get over it, especially as we get told that a lot! But someone having a mental health issue and needing help for it is not the same as them making the statement "I think I'm as badly off as someone who is starving/living in a warzone etc". I think if it was some other kind of medical problem we wouldn't feel guilty and deny ourselves treatment for it because of other people being worse off. I also think that the guilty feeling for getting help is sometimes part of the illness itself....Also maybe sometimes people who are naturally sensitive might be more vulnerable to mental illness but the other side of that sensitivity is having the compassion that you show for people who are struggling in the world...I always hope if I can get better I'll be of more help to the world...maybe I'm kidding myself though!

Anyway I do understand, and I've said all those my things to myself, so maybe I'm being a hypocrite to try and talk you out of them!! I do worry sometimes that I've made mental illness into a kind of identity... I truly do think you deserve help though and I'm glad that you don't think of the past therapy situation so much now and that you're freed from the OCD diagnosis!

---------- Post Merged at 05:00 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:51 PM ----------

PS I don't think you are harming anyone or harmed your therapist by needing help. I don't think you 'did' anything to him. It's unfortunate that he didn't explain anything and left you tormenting yourself about why it ended, but even if it was that he felt overwhelmed that's not your fault at all, you shouldn't have to pretend that your problems aren't what they are in order to not overwhelm your therapist x