Cat Dancer
MVP
I think most of my life I have struggled with depression and anxiety and eating disorders and self-injury. I've been forced into hospitals and counseling and honestly can't remember much of anything I learned because mostly I was so scared. And I have realized lately I went through some traumatic things while I was hospitalized.
I've taken medication a few times alone, but quit on my own when I felt a little better. Not a good idea because I went downhill again.
Now I'm trying therapy because it's something I wanted. And hopefully within a few weeks I'll be on medication.
But a part of me is scared of getting well. I don't know what it would feel like to enjoy life really. It seems such a big change and I don't deal with change really well. Maybe it's good that it goes so slowly and gradually. (I'm not putting this into words very well.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know what to do when I start feeling better, if I do start feeling better. It's terrifying and I don't understand that. I should want it with my whole heart and I don't in some ways.
I'm scared to give up my eating disorders and my self injury and my dark thoughts. Doesn't that sound awful?
I'm scared to really live my life. I haven't done that, maybe I never did. I walled myself away from people and from the world. I've lost SO MUCH time and I feel VERY sad about that. Especially lately. Overwhelmingly sad.
It doesn't seem right to feel this way, but I do. I wonder if this is fairly normal. I'm afraid it's going to stop me from doing what I need to do because I'm having some pretty serious thoughts lately that maybe I just can't get well. I know it's my choice though and that helps a lot. But I really don't have a choice. I have to try to get well and I'm scared.
I've taken medication a few times alone, but quit on my own when I felt a little better. Not a good idea because I went downhill again.
Now I'm trying therapy because it's something I wanted. And hopefully within a few weeks I'll be on medication.
But a part of me is scared of getting well. I don't know what it would feel like to enjoy life really. It seems such a big change and I don't deal with change really well. Maybe it's good that it goes so slowly and gradually. (I'm not putting this into words very well.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know what to do when I start feeling better, if I do start feeling better. It's terrifying and I don't understand that. I should want it with my whole heart and I don't in some ways.
I'm scared to give up my eating disorders and my self injury and my dark thoughts. Doesn't that sound awful?
I'm scared to really live my life. I haven't done that, maybe I never did. I walled myself away from people and from the world. I've lost SO MUCH time and I feel VERY sad about that. Especially lately. Overwhelmingly sad.
It doesn't seem right to feel this way, but I do. I wonder if this is fairly normal. I'm afraid it's going to stop me from doing what I need to do because I'm having some pretty serious thoughts lately that maybe I just can't get well. I know it's my choice though and that helps a lot. But I really don't have a choice. I have to try to get well and I'm scared.