Fear of getting well

[Cat Dancer]

I think most of my life I have struggled with depression and anxiety and eating disorders and self-injury. I've been forced into hospitals and counseling and honestly can't remember much of anything I learned because mostly I was so scared. And I have realized lately I went through some traumatic things while I was hospitalized.

I've taken medication a few times alone, but quit on my own when I felt a little better. Not a good idea because I went downhill again.

Now I'm trying therapy because it's something I wanted. And hopefully within a few weeks I'll be on medication.

But a part of me is scared of getting well. I don't know what it would feel like to enjoy life really. It seems such a big change and I don't deal with change really well. Maybe it's good that it goes so slowly and gradually. (I'm not putting this into words very well.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know what to do when I start feeling better, if I do start feeling better. It's terrifying and I don't understand that. I should want it with my whole heart and I don't in some ways.

I'm scared to give up my eating disorders and my self injury and my dark thoughts. Doesn't that sound awful?

I'm scared to really live my life. I haven't done that, maybe I never did. I walled myself away from people and from the world. I've lost SO MUCH time and I feel VERY sad about that. Especially lately. Overwhelmingly sad.

It doesn't seem right to feel this way, but I do. I wonder if this is fairly normal. I'm afraid it's going to stop me from doing what I need to do because I'm having some pretty serious thoughts lately that maybe I just can't get well. I know it's my choice though and that helps a lot. But I really don't have a choice. I have to try to get well and I'm scared.

 

[ThatLady]

I think you're putting your thoughts quite well, Janet. I certainly understand what you're saying. Furthermore, I think what you're feeling is something most people who have been depressed, or suffered from social anxiety (or, any mental illness, for that matter) feel. The known is always a lot more comfortable than the unknown, even if the known isn't the greatest. Stepping through a door into a world you haven't seen before is scary. It seems like it would be like suddenly waking up on another planet.

Actually, though, it isn't like that at all. As we learn more about ourselves through therapy, and gain more control over our feelings and behaviors with the help of medication and therapy, a lot of these fears begin to dissolve. We become less afraid as we learn more. That horrifying turning point from "sick" to "well" doesn't exist, in reality. There is simply a process of learning and growing that brings us to health and happiness, almost without our realizing we're there.

 

[Into The Light]

hi janet, i understand everything you are saying and what you are going through. i've been afraid to get well too. part of me did not want to be well, i just wanted to remain miserable and unhappy. i think too that these feelings are part of a fearing the unknown. i think that when we are depressed and feel so badly all the time, it becomes part of our identity. this is who we think we are. we think we cannot be anyone else or any different. we become afraid that if we don't have all the pain anymore that we won't exist anymore.

this past week has been a transformation for me. one day i realized i was actually feeling good. i had bounds of energy. i felt normal. i felt like the old me. it was so strange, but it felt so good. it really isn't anything to be afraid of. the next couple of days i fell back into feeling badly, sad, lonely, etc. but today i am feeling fine again. so it's a process. it'll happen gradually and you'll go back and forth. i guess what i am trying to tell you is that when you get there, when you get to feeling good, it will be just that. you will feel good. it's nothing to be afraid of. it will make you happy. you'll be so glad it's happened. you will feel alive janet. it's hard to know what that feeling is like when you are depressed and anxious. i just feel like i was living in a world of shadow and greyness. now everything is in full colour. it feels so unbelievably good. you will like yourself, love yourself, be happy with who you are, unconditionally. you will see yourself for who you really are. it is such an amazing feeling. it is so worth it.

it's ok to be afraid, i was afraid too. but as tl said, that fear will slowly dissolve over time. it's not a sudden change from one day to the next.

i think too that having this fear is a good sign. it means you are making progress. in fact i went through this fear a few months ago. at the time i relapsed after that. this time though i worked at it, because my fear of spiralling down was bigger than my fear of getting well.

just let us know how you are feeling when you have moments of worry or fear. we can help you through them.

:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

That horrifying turning point from "sick" to "well" doesn't exist, in reality. There is simply a process of learning and growing that brings us to health and happiness, almost without our realizing we're there.

I like that. That is very comforting.

i guess what i am trying to tell you is that when you get there, when you get to feeling good, it will be just that. you will feel good. it's nothing to be afraid of. it will make you happy. you'll be so glad it's happened. you will feel alive janet. it's hard to know what that feeling is like when you are depressed and anxious. i just feel like i was living in a world of shadow and greyness. now everything is in full colour. it feels so unbelievably good. you will like yourself, love yourself, be happy with who you are, unconditionally. you will see yourself for who you really are. it is such an amazing feeling. it is so worth it.

That sounds wonderful to me. It really does. As scared as I am of changing and even being happy, I am so tired, tired, tired of being the way I am and life is so hard and dull and seems not worth it. I'm sick of being this way.

Thanks, you two, for what you said.

 

[poohbear]

Me, too.

--Poohbear