Feel I'm betraying myself

[londonlady]

I feel I'm betraying myself by not confronting a sister who constantly undermines and tries to bait me into arguments.

She was a bully from the time we were little kids and hasn't changed now that she's an old age pensioner. Examples; if she comes to pick me up once in a while, she'll toot the car horn to let me know she's arrived, I take the lift down at once, then when I get there, she'll be agitated and say, hurry up for christ sake, GET IN, oh for god sake put the seat belt on. Or if she brings a friend to my home and I put some drinks on the table, in a mocking voice she'll say, why are you putting the drinks there, what's the matter with you. All small things but said with a tone that indicates you're a total moron.

Every time I meet her, which isn't often, I'm on edge, wondering what she'll say to embarass me, but there's no point responding because she always has an answer and has to have the last word and I know, that if I persist it will end in a massive argument with her blaming me. At which point she cuts you out of her life, and character assassinates you with the family to isolate you.

Last year she invited herself and her husband to meet my new son in law. The night before she rang to say, I don't want my husband to come, so I told him you canceled and that I'm going to a friends house instead and I'll come alone. So I did cancel! I didn't want to be part of her lies. Six months later, she tells me she and her husband were so looking forward to meeting my son in law and tried to make arrangements with me, but I didn't reply! I repeated the true version of events and she tried every which way to deny it. A few months ago I was meeting her for lunch and she accidentally sent me a text meant for a friend of hers saying, "I can't come over today because I'm going to my husband's family for lunch" a ridiculous lie, but one that totally puzzled me. She seems to want to keep everything a secret and for what?

At other times, she'll stop replying to my emails, then a week later send me an email saying, everything OK? you haven't replied to my emails. No point saying that's not true, because it's her way of baiting you into her game of always being right, she'll come back with an answer to everything and if that doesn't work, she'll dismiss it.

She has caused major rifts in the family by playing people off against one another, to the point where they've never spoken to each other again and delights in telling you when they've passed away and the funerals over, but you weren't informed because you were 'on bad terms' with them and of course, it wasn't HER decision. She always acts innocent as if she had nothing to do with it.

I could tell dozens of stories of vindictive behaviour but don't want to bore you or myself. My question is, why do I let this woman get me so worked up? I used to get very nervous, now I am getting very angry because she's baiting for an argument and I'm ready to rip her head off, but, that would play into her love of drama, she loves to bait people, then turn it around, act like a victim and cut them out of her life for years. She has done that repeatedly and I'm not playing into that drama, I don't want to give her the satisfaction.

I honestly do not know why I'm bothering at all and yet, I do. She makes no effort to visit, except when she's bored and wants to annoy her husband by 'depriving' him of her company for a day. The man is so bullied that he shakes when she berates him. I'm never invited to her home or to share any of her social events, so what am I getting out of this?

I hate that she can get to me because that is it seems her aim. I would love to be cooly detached and able to laugh at her, how do I do that? Does she have a mental illness?

Londonlady.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I hate that she can get to me because that is it seems her aim. I would love to be cooly detached and able to laugh at her, how do I do that? Does she have a mental illness?

There's no way for us to tell whether or not she has a mental illness, but that's not the issue in any case.

The real question is why after all these years do you still allow her to manipulate and bully you, and why do you still get upset about her behavior when she's always been that way?

The fact that she is your sister probably does warrant giving her a bit of leeway but it does not warrant letting her continue to abuse you. Perhaps it's time to start reacting to whatever she throws your way on YOUR terms instead of hers. Or perhaps it's time to simply step back and slide away from what has always been a toxic relationship for you and one that at this stage is highly unlikely to change.

The only good thing about beating your head against a brick wall is that it feels so wonderful when it stops.

 

[rdw]

Mental illness or not that we cannot tell you. That diagnosis can only be made by a licensed practitioner.
The only behaviour you can change is yours so I would stop worrying about her behaviour and just concentrate on how you can change your response. I use the "my problem" or "not my problem" to handle difficult people within my family and then I recognize whose behaviour I need to take ownership for. If they are behaving badly then they are behaving badly and that is their responsibility not mine. Her attempts to manipulate you and cause distress are successful only if you allow them to be successful. "Why aren't you responding to my emails - oh I've been busy" People who love to fight and argue love to fight and argue and you are so right there is no winning so why bother...

 

[londonlady]

Thanks David, that was my question to myself, how can I still get so annoyed about her. At least now, I'm annoyed, not intimidated and scared. It is time for me to do both; react and slide back, I've resisted because I will be without family and feared feeling alone, not having anyone who knows my history etc. etc. but I pay a huge price for that, and it's not worth it. I have some good friends and a daughter, who although she lives thousands of miles away, visits a couple of times a year and we talk every week by skype, so I'm thinking, better to have quality than quantity. All the best, Londonlady.

 

[MHealthJo]

I'm sorry you've been treated badly this way, Londonlady, and I'm glad you feel brave enough to start putting this behaviour out of your life. I hope you will soon find benefits to your wellbeing in taking this step.

Dr Baxter, I have often wondered about these sorts of situations where there are one or maybe a few family members who seem to hold an exaggerated "balance of power".

As Londonlady mentions, when this situation exists, family members may fear the aloneness they face, if staying away from one toxic person means that person will cause "shunning" by most or all the other family members.

In your opinion, Dr Baxter, is there any type of approach or course of action a person can take, which may make it less likely that other family members will get on the same wagon as the "family troublemaker"? Is there anything that could make relationships with the other members (if desired) be more likely to be retained?

Or does it truly just come down to each family member's level of entanglement in the toxic system of the "troublemaker".

 

[W00BY]

Just on an energy level it's sapping dealing with a family member who constantly does this.

You need to have a think about exactly gets you most upset, when it is, what it is, what makes you most anxious, then you can start to work out coping strategies that bring balance and a bit less stress.

All it takes sometimes is a you to stand up for yourself and they for the first time have a think about their own behavior.

I know it's not easy, but your sister may never be aware of the affects of her behavior unless someone tells her clearly, she could be simply unaware of how she treats you!

 

[bloodwood]

My Good Golly! This sounds like my own sister in many ways. She was/is not a bully so much but is abusive.

I tried for many many years to be her brother, support her, understand her and excuse her. Then over a few years it gradually sank in that I truly could do nothing to change her or help her or even have a healthy happy relationship with her. I realized that my relationship with her gave me absolutely nothing but pain, unhappiness and heartache. I "divorced" her and now I am happier. That was my solution after many years.

So I ask you - is there anything in your relationship with this person that makes you healthier or happier. Do you get anything from that relationship at all?

If the answer is no then I suggest you have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel about the way she behaves.

Life is short and you deserve to be happy one way or the other.

 

[W00BY]

The thing with arguments is they are a tool for people who want to know either your inner thoughts that they are not privy too or to initiate a situation whereby they can air their own grievances.

Within families and particularly with siblings there can be point scoring and competitive edge to the need for an argument which brings some kind of validation to some irrelevant point only they feel is fundamentally important.

I think the only thing that is possible in this situation is to air your own frustration at your sisters behavior in a healthy way, phone a friend, write in a forum anything but give her the platform she is wanting to launch whatever it is she has in store for you.

And finally glean satisfaction from the fact that she must be far less settled in her life than you are that these are the ways in which she tries to interact with you, as it is both a corrosive and manipulative way to act and no one happy behaves in these ways.

The problem with families is they have doorways into both our hearts and minds that no one else has and can read us in ways others can't, which leaves us vulnerable and if the intention on top of these facts is not a healthy one, that (in my opinion) is why it churns us up so much.