Feeling so so down at the moment!

[Heather]

I just can't seem to do anything about the way I feel, I just feel so down all the time and it is getting too hard to lift myself up at times, I appear to most to be coping but those that really know me are worried and I have some checking on me daily. I am going to T when I can and I am trying to hardest to get some sleep, even though the nightmares are bad at the moment. I just want to feel a little better, or at least stay the same, I am sick of getting worse, I just don't know what to do. I am not at the harming myself stage or anything and I won't do anything silly but I certainly am thinking awful thoughts atm. And the stupid thing is that I am seriously wishing that I coudl go into hospital on a break -- but I HATE hospital so this is a worry, lol!!

I really have no idea where I am going with this post but I just don't want to feel down anymore, and the sad thing is I have even managed to convince my psychologist and Doctor that I am doing well (I read the notes they wrote about me -- don't ask)!!! So now what am I going to do

Sorry I just really didn't know where else to turn atm...

Heather...

 

[foghlaim]

and the sad thing is I have even managed to convince my psychologist and Doctor that I am doing well (I read the notes they wrote about me -- don't ask)!!! So now what am I going to do?

I have a thought that maybe you are now afraid (maybe not right word) to tell them how you really feel.? You are being very honest here with how you really feel,? ? ? ?
if you feel you can't tell them now... (at next apt). maybe you don't have to actually say anything if you copy what you wrote above and give it to your therapist.?
As for reading their notes,,?Obviously having read them is hampering your efforts to relay how you? actually feel.?
Maybe???? you can? leave in that sentence if you do decide to copy your post.?
just an idea maybe not the right one.. or not even helpful..

I think being honest at times is so hard.. but there are times when it can only help.
maybe now is the time for you. ??

i am sorry you feel so down ..

I hope you can find a way to let them know.
?

 

[Mia713]

I am sorry your feeling so badly right now. I can definitely relate with the feeling, so know you are not alone. I hope things start looking up soon.

 

[Halo]

I too can relate to how you are feeling. What you wrote was like looking at exactly what I would have written. I also know how it feels to have everyone around you thinking that you are coping well. I do the same thing with putting the plastic smile on for everyone and they seem to buy it. Also, the part of going into the hospital for a break yet hating the hospital at the same time. I know, many times I have felt the same....terrified of the place that I just want to escape to. I know that I haven't offered any solutions but I can relate completely and I wish you the best and hopefully better days ahead.

 

[g-scared]

i'm glad at lest that you can be honest with us.
what's getting you down?

 

[Eunoia]

hey Heather, first of all good for you for seeing your therapist when you can, I know that has been a struggle for you.... and that you have people checking in on you... how're things w/ your family??? is that getting you down? I think that we have come to learn to fake being well, and can get to the point where you're at, so that even those who you think would know have no idea how bad things are... but I ask myself- where to go from here? if you have convinced then you're doing well and you're actually not, then what? keep on feeling bad? without their support? that also doesn't make sense right, b/c you are hurting... but I know it's all easier said than done, I have come to realize that too... it's really weird how I find myself wanting to be honest and all I can say is "fine" or "okay" or skip certain details... but again, I think your therapist would be a good place to start being honest.... you don't want to fall back down again, right? and now you're still at a place where you can catch yourself... what about one of your lecturers who you're close with and have helped you in the past? I can't think of anything else right now but don't give up hun... here if you need me.

 

[Heather]

Hey guys thanks heaps all!

Notsosureanymore ? I sort of want them to think I am ok because they are worried because I was being followed up by Mental Health team and I?m not anymore and yeah (long story) and I am worried that they may want me to go to them, they already want me to take a break, which I can?t possibly do. Long story, sigh! Plus I don?t want to be told to go back on meds!

Sounds bad I know!

Mia713 ? it helps to know I am not alone thanks. But I am sorry I?m not if that makes sense!

Nancy ? just your thoughfulness and concern was nice so thanks.

g-scared ? a lot to be honest, just down due to past issues and then on top of that I have other stuff going on so all mixed in with all the stuff I do it is hard to cope, especially with no sleep.

Eunoia ? yeah the T I have seen a couple of times this month (which is unusual it is usually once a month if that), so yeah, but I am still thinking of leaving her! Family stuff is okish I guess but have a lot on my mind atm!!! But yeah it is getting me down atm as well as other stuff. I know what you mean but I am not going to them atm, am avoiding them, plus I am too busy to go atm anyway and the dr wants to do HEAPS of tests on me as well, argh (bad health atm too). Re: lecturers one is over seas and the other one I have not seen for a while, I think she is over my whinging, lol!!! I don?t feel I can contact her now because I feel too bad (so dumb as this is the time she wants me to but I can?t). Thanks I am not giving up ? tis ok ? tis hard but I will get through this I am sure, it is just hard that I have felt like this for so long, I don?t see much point when everyday is an awful struggle you know! Anyway thanks for saying you are there

Heather?

 

[foghlaim]

tis hard but I will get through this I am sure, it is just hard that I have felt like this for so long, I don?t see much point when everyday is an awful struggle you know!

i understand this feeling\thinking..? it is bloody hard!? ?
and yes you will get thru this, just like i will because we have friends here who can indentify with us and maybe advise us ( at times).? Sometimes just using the space here to say what's on my mind helps me to see things a bit clearer.

I sort of want them to think I am ok because they are worried because I was being followed up by Mental Health team and I?m not anymore and yeah (long story) and I am worried that they may want me to go to them, they already want me to take a break, which I can?t possibly do. Long story, sigh! Plus I don?t want to be told to go back on meds!

can u bring these worries up with your therapist.. i think she will be able to allay some of them. Or maybe a therapist here can do that. YOu may not HAVE to go back on meds.. then again you might.. I didn't want to go on med at all but once things.. where i'm at etc.. was made clearer to me.. i realised that i needed to be on them. (still don't like taking them)


don't know if any of this helps.. thinking of you ok.

by the way.. thank you for posting the above.. we are not alone.

 

[Heather]

Hey thanks again for your reply,

I do agree that sometimes just using here to say how I feel helps! That is why I came here this time I had to get this off my chest! I feel so awful at the moment as I am so busy and yet feel so bad!

I could bring my worries to my T but I am thinking of not going back to her, and if I do go back it would be not for a while as I am very busy at the moment and have no time to see her!

About the meds I don't want to go back on them because I am already on so many meds for health concerns when I was on them as well it just felt so yuk, I went off a lot of my health meds also because I just couldn't handle being on so many, that sounds weird I know! But I am sick of being pumped stuff I want to be able to think clearly as me and only me, so maybe one or two meds are ok but not as many as what I was on... But to be honest I think I may need them because nothing else is helping!

Thanks again Heather...

P.S. It did help, especially just to know you were thinking of me.

 

[foghlaim]

just wondering... can you maybe drop your therapist a letter\note explaining how you are , and letting her know that you are so busy that you can't get into see her atm.. maybe a phone call??

But to be honest I think I may need them because nothing else is helping!

maybe talk over the meds even... get some advice from her or your g.p on this??


hope u feel better soon
NSA

 

[Heather]

I wouldn't have time for the letter for a bit and would be too embarrassed to call her but well an email is potential!?!?

I will see how I go.

Thanks for the idea