Fighting Temptation. . .

[Albator]

I am a young man in a very happy and commited relationship. I am lucky to have found what I believe is the woman of my life. She is wonderful and there is no way I could find anybody better or more compatible with me. Yet I have hard time fighting the everyday tempations. I trust her and I believe she loves me and would always be faithful to me unless I was stupid enough to cheat on her. I have been with her for more than 2 years and even though I can't think of anything that bothers me about her, as time went by I started to look at other women and think about other women. I have never cheated on her but I am afraid it has been more by a lack of opportunity than my own strong will. She had to move away recently for personal reasons so we are currently living a long-distance relationship and I find myself missing her and loving her more than ever. I am afraid however that once she comes back, I will get back to doubting and taking her for granted. I know all men are different and some I know would never cheat on their spouse no matter what, I wish I was one of them but I have more than serious doubt. Is it possible to get rid of the temptations and those thought? When I enter a new place why do I look to see if there are any good looking women, When I drive why do I look at the drivers to see if it's a woman, When a woman bends over why do I look to see if she is wearing a thong? I know some of them have to be accepted, but I want to live the rest of my life with this woman, I don't want to ever cheat on her but if one day a beautiful woman comes to me and tempted me, I fear I would be weak and break. The problem I am almost sure is coming 100% from me and not from her or our relationship, I don't know if it's my character or something I've lived in my life, but try and want to change it. I have tried unsuccessfully and don't know what to do. I am no psychiatrist and I don't know the reason for those thought, could it be caused by the fact that I was really shy as a Kid and didn't have a girlfriend until I was 18? I seriously doubt the problem comes from my family for I was lucky to have a wonderful one.
Thanks for your time

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There is a huge difference between (1) noticing other women and finding other women attractive and (2) acting on that attraction.

The first is normal and indeed not anything to be worried about.

The second is, simply, a choice you make. Do you want to risk losing your current relationship or seriously damaging the trust in that relationship? If so, you don't act on the attraction. You simply don't permit it to happen. Period. It's that simple.

Just don't fall into the trap of telling yourself (1) that she won't find out, (2) that she would accept you whatever you did, or (3) that even if she did find out it wouldn't damage your relationship. None of those are true.

 

[cm]

I agree with Dr. Baxter, and would like to add that as with other thoughts and behaviors, these sexual thoughts, although natural, can develop into habits, patterns, and obsessive/compulsive behaviors which can then have a negative effect on your life and those around you. I think that it is very admirable,and smart, that you have expressed yourself on this forum. This would probably be a valuable topic to discuss with a professional practitioner for a few sessions. They could help you continue to develop an ever stronger relationship and committment to your wife over the coming years. It is heartening to know you are persuing what you know is morally the best choice for your marriage and I believe that the rewards of it will be incomparable to any moments of physical pleasure outside your marriage.

 

[mrdaniel]

i don,t have any black and white advice for you , but i think you should go with what is natural to you,i am not telling you to be selfish , but you are no good to yourself or your partner if you do not do what is natural to your personalty.

 

[mrdaniel]

i don,t have any black and white advice for you , but i think you should go with what is natural to you,i am not telling you to be selfish , but you are no good to yourself or your partner if you do not do what is natural to your personalty.

 

[Lawz]

It's been a while I know, but I'm wondering what you have tried and why it is that you don't trust yourself - does alcohol or any other influence make it more likely for you to succumb to temptation do you think? Maybe if you took yourself out of certain situations it may be easier for you.

 

[Lawz]

It's been a while I know, but I'm wondering what you have tried and why it is that you don't trust yourself - does alcohol or any other influence make it more likely for you to succumb to temptation do you think? Maybe if you took yourself out of certain situations it may be easier for you.