Finding balance

[Banned]

I'm absolutely exhausted today and I think it's just because I overdid it the last couple of days...working way too many hours.

But...I have alot to do, and it seems like if I'm not hypomanic I can't get anything done. I'm sitting here trying to find some energy and, well, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. In other words, I know what I need to do, I want to get it done, but I'm just fried.

I'm having trouble finding balance - being able to do things at a steady space instead of getting everything done only when I'm hypomanic.

Will this even itself out in time?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yep. That's bipolar disorder all right.

See:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/bipolar-...sorder-a-guide-for-patients-and-families.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/bipolar-...-bipolar-disorder-ask-the-expert-patient.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/bipolar-disorder/6839-bipolar-disorder-a-guide-to-recovery.html

 

[Banned]

The more I learn, the less hope I have.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Learn more. Doing that brings back the hope. Remember, when you are half way through the tunnel, your best bet is to keep going because every step brings you closer to the other end.

 

[Banned]

When I look at the statistics for suicide, and look at my life and how I'm managing or not managing, I just think the dea?h certificate has already been signed. I see a lot of things but hope and a normal life just don't fit.

The more time that goes by tonight the more depressed and despondent I feel.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Just a short time ago, you said you were feeling more stable. That was distorted thinking and distorted perceptions. So is what you are experiencing tonight.

Go back to what has worked in the past. Go do a Mood Log. Don't immerse yourself in all this negativity and despondency. Challenge it.

Tell yourself, "I am NOT going to let irrational thinking beat me!"

 

[Banned]

I think time has always been the one thing that turns things around. I want to be bigger and stronger than the irrational thinking, but it's like the devil that catches me off guard, when my guard is down. Just when I'm thinking life is grand and I feel good and maybe I'll never be depressed again - BOOM! I am depressed, despondent, and suicidal again.

Does it ever get better? Will the right balance of medication ever fix this or am I walking a tightrope while juggling live grenades for the rest of my life?

 

[Always Changing]

see also:
Balance - Key to Bipolar Stability

 

[Meg]

Nothing in life is certain, Turtle. :hug:

Who's to say that in time you won't turn out to be a shining example of how well bipolar can be treated with a combination of a good medication regime and good lifestyle choices? There is no evidence that you are spiraling towards disaster or that there is no hope left. It must be so challenging to be on this horrible merry-go-round of emotions. You can only do what you can... but focus on making sure that you really do it. Try to think about what you do have control of rather than stressing out over what you don't.

Thinking of you.

 

[Banned]

Thanks guys. I think I'm finding I don't trust myself, or my emotions. The last few days I've felt better...and I have some big stuff going on at work that has me pretty excited. But then I also wonder when the next crash will come...although I don't dwell on it like I used to. I think I just accept that it likely will and when it does I'll deal with it.

I feel ok right now, but when I do, someone usually comes along and tells me I'm actually not.

I think a big part of this illness is learning what your life looks like in reality...and I just don't have that objectivity.

 

[Chain Lightning]

Its hard to be objective when you're subjective. I sucks because nothing is ever the same and like you, I don't always know if something really is wonderful (or horrible) or its just me.

 

[Banned]

I hear you, CL. My doctor is now questioning my bipolar diagnosis, and in one way it's comforting to think that might not be the case, but in another way it's scary because I'm just getting used to it. Either way, trying to be objective is impossible.
We see things the way we want to see them, experience them the way we want to, and when someone outside the situation tries to offer input it just seems so bizarre and backwards. Some things in my life right now I think are fantastic, other people think they're terrible. Is there a right or wrong? Is it perception, experience, or both? I know that we are supposed to have a really solid support system to help keep us balanced, but sometimes that just isn't possible, or it's very difficult.

It's a tightrope walk, really, and the goal, at least for me, is to stay on the tightrope.

 

[Chain Lightning]

My doctor is now questioning my bipolar diagnosis, and in one way it's comforting to think that might not be the case, but in another way it's scary because I'm just getting used to it. I know that we are supposed to have a really solid support system to help keep us balanced, but sometimes that just isn't possible, or it's very difficult.

I hate it when famliy members question if I have BP...its like I am in denial enough sometimes and then they say they think I don't have it. Then they either blame or imply blame on me for how I feel or react. The most solid support I have is my dog! He is a very steady, level headed guy and has enough exuberence to match mine.

 

[Always Changing]

CL : Are your family members open to some education on bipolar disorder? One way to do this would be to print out some fact sheets and leave them where they can see\read them or you could just hand them out to them and say "listen people this information describes my condition and why I sometimes behave the way I do". You can find lots of info right here in this forum to print out and for those family members who are on the internet you can point them to the various websites\forums on the subject. Talking to family members can be hard if they don't understand the disorder I find, because its not like you have a broken leg that they can see and say oh that is why you are limping or using a crutch to help you walk.

Education is the key for them and for us.

 

[Banned]

My family doesn't question it - they ignore it. I think that's because they don't know or understand it, and they have a hard time accepting that mental illness is in the family, when there's no history of it (I'm adopted, and there is history in my biological family).

Education is definitely key...I send my mom links and articles (she lives with me). Whether she reads them is up to her...but I try and not make it an uncomfortable subject for either of us.

 

[Chain Lightning]

Yeah I gave my parents some stuff to read and told them I have a book. They never asked to read the book. But they did read the info I printed. My mom said after reading it that "I have most of these symptoms too and that doesn't mean you're bipolar just because of that" WTF She thinks because she has them that then I must not be bipolar because surely she isn't. So she won't believe it because then she would have to accept that she has it. I have no doubt in my mind that she does. Sometimes she acts like she understands and is helpful but then suddenly she will say that I need to find out what is really wrong. OMG her instability is un-nerving to me. My brother admits to haveing the same problems I do but to a lesser degree...he thinks he can fix them on his own and implys that maybe I should too...even after I talked to him about how that was the worst thing I did and the best thing was getting help. He is totally in denial about being unable to fix it. My 3 closest freinds either already knew about bipolar (one of them, had even been suggesting I get help) or were very cool about learning about it. My dog, totally understands. I think he is always manic...accept that he sleeps.

 

[Banned]

Wow...that almost sounds like my family. Lately my mom and I have become convinced that her husband has some sort of mental illness - bipolar or something...he's just so far removed from "normal". But...he believes that mental illness is basically a curse and those who have it deserve it...so of course he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with himself, even though all of us see it clear as day. He spent his career in the military and thinks that makes him super-human or something. I have alot of respect for the military (I was an army brat myself) but it doesn't mean that he is immune to mental illness. He is miserable to be around, unstable, doesn't ever think about consequences (he poisoned two of our cats that way - one died because of it)...he is one of the most difficult and moody people I've ever met.

But...he comes from a generation and background where mental illness just isn't an option, possibility, or even exists...so he's going to spend the rest of his life miserable because of it. My mom is becoming miserable now which hurts me to see, and I told her not to make his problems hers. She has to live her life and do what she enjoys, and if he wants to be the way he is, not to let it bring her down. Not much else she can do...

 

[Always Changing]

C L : I think then you have done all you can do regarding your mom and other members.. if at any time they ask for more info then you know where to get it. I am really glad to hear that you already know that trying to "fix it" by yourself is not an option for you, A lesson some of us are still learning.. the hard way!. . It's great that you have friends who are cool about learning more about your condition at least there you might have support when you need it and not be told its something other than bipolar. Keep in mind when you are talking to your family that you already accept your diagnosis and are actively helping yourself, if they choose to ignore any symptoms they have then it is their problem and not yours to worry about . I think right now you have to put yourself first and foremost and get stablility etc into your life.

so can you ask the dog how does he do it.. . whats his name if you don't mind me asking?

---------- Post added at 01:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:33 AM ----------

Turtle:
Sorry to hear your parents are having a hard time right now.. mainly your mom because she can see her husband not doing well and that is having its effect on her, its hard watching someone you love not doing something to help themselves, but like you say it may be the way he chooses to be by denying anything is up. You are right in advising her to try and enjoy her life as best she can. Just be sure you follow the same advice. hint hint take your meds.. lol

 

[Banned]

Thanks AC. Took them yesterday and today. I've also started exercising...I bought a gym membership and am trying to swim every second day, and be on my treadmill on non-swimming days. There's no question that exercise helps my moods and my stability. I'm also meeting a new therapist tomorrow...I think more just so I have her as a resource as needed, but I hope it goes well. I find even when I'm not doing well I feel like I know the drill....but maybe she'll have some insight that will be helpful.

 

[Always Changing]

Good job on the med front and the activities that you have taken on board also.
try to keep an open mind when you meet your with your new therapist. Best of luck okay.