Finished my letters

[kelsischanging]

I've been severly depressed for about two years....I'm been cutting myself for about one year....I'm been semi suicidal for I dont' know a couple of months...I think today though I took it to a new level...I wrote my suicide letter...I wrote about ten of them to different people in my life..i.e..my mom, stepdad, sister, best friend ect...anyway I also planned my funeral...what I want to be burried in...what songs I want, who I want to read different stuff....I put it all in one yellow notebook...I don't have a date set right now at least and b/c I know my personality it would probably just happen one night that I just got to depressed to go on...anyway I'm not sure what the point of this post was...I just needed to type some of this out to maybe (hopefully) get myself thinking more clearly...right now I'm just scared of myself...it sucks-you know- to be afraid of yourself...if you're scared of another person or thing you can avoid those things/people...I can't avoid myself...anyway sorry to have wasted your time....but thanks for reading this anyway...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Kels, call a crisis line or make an urgent appointment with your therapist or doctor if you have one.

The only reason this seems like a solution (maybe the only solution) at this time is because your thoughts and perceptions are distorted and unrealistic. This is not a pit - this is a tunnel. All you have to do to get back to the sunlight is to keep going. Find someone now to help you do that.

 

[Daniel E.]

Kels, I don't recall if you are seeing a therapist now. If you are, maybe you should see him/her more often, like twice a week, for example. (If you are not seeing a therapist now, then, of course, you really need to see one.)

In the meantime, a national crisis/suicide hotline in the U.S. is 1-800-273-TALK.

 

[Banned]

Kels,

In 2002 I did exactly what you did - I wrote very long, detailed suicide letters to those close to me. I planned my funeral about ten years ago so that was done.

Just the other day, I found that suicide letter that I wrote not so long ago. I remember what it was like to feel that way, but I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't anymore. I can't imagine going back to feeling like that.

Like Dr. Baxter says - it's not a pit, it's a tunnel, and you have to keep going. Keep the letter, because when you are better (and you WILL get better), you can reread it and be thankful that things did get better.

In the interim, as the others suggested, and yes, I'm a parrot, get some help right away. Either your therapist if you have one, or through a crisis line. There are people that want to help you, and can help you. Even if you think you're past the point of wanting to be helped - give it all you've got. You will be thankful later. Maybe not tomorrow or next month, but eventually - you WILL get better.

 

[comfortzone]

I agree with the others Kels! Please get help now. I too am a parrot like BG mentioned but we are here. Call now!

 

[Kanadiana]

Re: finished my letters

I've been severly depressed for about two years....I'm been cutting myself for about one year....I'm been semi suicidal for I dont' know a couple of months...I think today though I took it to a new level...I wrote my suicide letter...I wrote about ten of them to different people in my life..i.e..my mom, stepdad, sister, best friend ect..

Hi Kels ... well ... I've sort of been where you are but I didn't reach out to people ... I just went about my quiet business but survived my attempt in spite of myself a few years back ... and am glad I survived. Many reasonas for my 'gladness" ... mostly relationships with loved ones who weren't ready for me "to be gone" ...

You say you're depressed but don't really say a whole lot about why you would rather be gone than to stay with us and what do you want different so you feel like staying???

Whats happening that you can't handle another day of but wish you could?

Suicide is always an option ... ever6y moment is an opportunity for when people are ready to do that ... but your posting in here tells me you aren't ready to take that final step ... if not ... well .. we're here and open tpo hearing and walking you through this tough time.

Suicide really is "forever" ... I don't think you're ready for that 'forever" ... or you really wouldn't have said anything to us ... sooooo ... cry and rage and gnaw and gnash your teeth ... and tell us, me, whoever ... how you would rather have things go ... if only ... ???

Hey Kels ... talk to me okay? I know you want to talk.

Someone who has been there .... K.

 

[Kanadiana]

By the way kels ... for starters, I'm sorry I haven't been here much as of late, and haven't read all your posts, so all i know of you is the post you did in this thread ... and based on this scanty knowledge of you, I replied.....

I do know that place, very well indeed, of being afraid of myself and my own end actions .... I've been there. I hope you'll choose to talk rather than follow through on suicide plans ... if anything, please remember, with suicide, it's a possibility for any time you choose. Hold off that final decision, coast ... talk ... think ... do whatever ... if you feel the same tomorrow ... well ... what can I say. that decision is final. It's so final that putting it off til tomorrow, and simply getting through this moment and day ... is all you should do. Stay here for this day ... a day at a time?

Hang in there. Don't be too impulsive ... this too ... may well pass ... give time and room for a changed mind and heart

Love and hugs .... K.

 

[ThatLady]

We're here for you, Kels. Just reach out. The option of suicide will still be there tomorrow, and next week, and next year. We'll be here, too. You're important to us, so I do hope you'll let us be important to you.

 

[Eunoia]

hey Kels! I am so sorry things are this bad for you, but I do agree w/ everyone else that you should at least consider your options. The ironic thing to life is there's always alternatives, it's just a matter of whether we are able to see them and give them a chance. I'm not saying it's easier, trust me, I know it's not. And you're right, it's difficult b/c you're scared of yourself. But that also tells you that somewhere deep down you know your're not ready and that rational part of your mind knows this isn't what should happen.... I have been there, I have seen others be there, and I have seen others who have let go- and as cruel as life can be it can also be so beautiful, and you won't know all the good things that can happen and do happen if you dont' give them a chance. That dichotomous thininking that people fall into is not reality... in real life there's always options. You choosing to come here and write about this was an option. Taking one's life is an impulsive decision, even if you have thought about it and planned it out... you said yourself that it would probably just happen one night when you were too depressed to go on, but that means that for now and until then you do have that little bit of hope left, that little bit of will to hang on. Hang on Kels. And reach out and get whatevever help it is that you need. Depression and si are big demons to conquer and it won't be easy but they're not death sentences. Please, please, please call a Suicide Hotline, they're 24/7, whenever you need to, preferably now. We're here for you as everyone has said.

 

[kelsischanging]

I just want to thank everyone who replied...I am taking it basically minute by minute right now, and I am trying to keep the suicide hotline number w/ me pretty much all the time...I'm just going minute by minute and everyone and then second by second....thank you again for eveyone who replied...you have no idea how much that means to me...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's the only way we can ever really take life, kels. You will make it.

 

[comfortzone]

Good to hear Kels! Like David said!

All we ever have is this very moment...the past is gone and the future does not yet exist.

 

[Eunoia]

No one expects you to take big, huge steps into the "right" direction... that wouldn't be realistic. Take one step at a time as you're doing and you'll slowly get there.... so glad to hear things are a little better...and keep that # w/ you as long as you think you need it!

 

[Kanadiana]

It's really good to hear from you Kels ... I hope you'll please keep touching base and posting in here. Lots of great caring people in here who understand the rough and tough times. I always find that talking to others helps me regain a little perspective (sometimes a lot LOL ) and energizes me to keep on trucking