- Thread starter David Baxter PhD
- Start date
I am not sure Rozi.... I think it would depend on the situation....
As all the different comments in the thread highlight as well, 'forgiveness' is a complex word, and 'forgiveness' in its usual sense is not always quite the right goal for absolutely every situation... it varies depending on the situation....
I will say though that repeating of affirmations and thoughts has sometimes been helpful to me...
If the situation is as resolved as it is ever going to get, and you have explored and experienced as much as possible of the healing/repair process as the thread comments describe, then I could imagine that over time writing down a thought like "I am letting go of this a little more with time." could be somewhat helpful...
Feel free also to post further if you would like to, or to ask other questions you may have.
As all the different comments in the thread highlight as well, 'forgiveness' is a complex word, and 'forgiveness' in its usual sense is not always quite the right goal for absolutely every situation... it varies depending on the situation....
I will say though that repeating of affirmations and thoughts has sometimes been helpful to me...
If the situation is as resolved as it is ever going to get, and you have explored and experienced as much as possible of the healing/repair process as the thread comments describe, then I could imagine that over time writing down a thought like "I am letting go of this a little more with time." could be somewhat helpful...
Feel free also to post further if you would like to, or to ask other questions you may have.
Harebells
Member
Hi Rozi,
I read this book recently and found it very helpful (despite the cheesy cover) The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame: Pete Walker: 9780964299603: Amazon.com: Books. It's about how we need to fully feel and acknowledge the harm that someone has done to us and our anger and sadness about it (not necessarily confronting them, unless it helps to) and forgiveness will arise naturally at some point, although it's fluid and may come and go and feel stronger at some times more than others, but eventually will become more of a default position. He says false/forced/premature forgiveness can do harm and interfere with our sense of self protection. I'm not articulating it very well but it's a good book!
I read this book recently and found it very helpful (despite the cheesy cover) The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame: Pete Walker: 9780964299603: Amazon.com: Books. It's about how we need to fully feel and acknowledge the harm that someone has done to us and our anger and sadness about it (not necessarily confronting them, unless it helps to) and forgiveness will arise naturally at some point, although it's fluid and may come and go and feel stronger at some times more than others, but eventually will become more of a default position. He says false/forced/premature forgiveness can do harm and interfere with our sense of self protection. I'm not articulating it very well but it's a good book!
Yes, those are very accurate messages from that book, Harebells. I think you have summarised very well how this emotional process works.
I know there is no one answer, one perfect solution for everyone, but I just wish somebody could give a real life, concrete step of something I can do to forgive. I've read and read and read, and intellectually I recognize that this is what I need to do...but something inside says, I just want to stay mad a little longer. I feel I suffered under his rule of law for many years so I can't expect it to vanish after I blythly say "I forgive you" . I can make it sound convincing, and I can fool family & friends into thinking how amazing I am that I have come this far, but when I am alone I just want to scream at him and berate him for all the twisted things he has said and continues to say about me. I know this anger is eating away at me. I am so happy to be on my own, now settled into a peaceful place, miles away from him, but I continue to torture myself by looking at his pictures and reading about all the wonderful things he is doing...without me...even though I don't want to be there. It will be a year next week that he forced me out of our home, although he frames it as me "dumping" him, and still I sit here wallowing in sadness, anger, frustration, hurt, envy & regrets. Why on earth can't I move on?
I'm so sorry for what you have experienced, Potcake.
As the thread comments go into, a wrong and a hurt almost always must be very definitely processed fully first, before real relief from the feelings and real moving on can happen.
Depending on the situation, quite often work with a skilled and compassionate therapist regarding what has happened, is needed for this processing to actually occur.
Wondering if that is something that you might have an opportunity to get access to?
As the thread comments go into, a wrong and a hurt almost always must be very definitely processed fully first, before real relief from the feelings and real moving on can happen.
Depending on the situation, quite often work with a skilled and compassionate therapist regarding what has happened, is needed for this processing to actually occur.
Wondering if that is something that you might have an opportunity to get access to?
I am not sure. I certainly can't afford to pay for therapy, as he still controls the purse strings but I think it is time for me to pursue what therapy might be available within our health system. I've been procrastinating.
Hope that something comes through for you, Potcake. It's definitely a difficult thing to start moving towards the steps we can take, when we are still reeling and hurting so much from something. One of those catch-22 situations!
Different health systems in different places sometimes have a few different options or avenues, and resources like medical centres, charities, universities, and other places sometimes have insight or can point us in a direction of options we might not be aware of. Sometimes private therapists are willing to work on a sliding-scale basis too, and also some online options have started to develop although I don't know much about them. Hope that something will come through for you and you will receive the compassion and healing that you need Potcake, so don't give up, and also if you get stuck sometimes members or resources here might have further suggestions or avenues to explore. Kind wishes for healing to you...
Different health systems in different places sometimes have a few different options or avenues, and resources like medical centres, charities, universities, and other places sometimes have insight or can point us in a direction of options we might not be aware of. Sometimes private therapists are willing to work on a sliding-scale basis too, and also some online options have started to develop although I don't know much about them. Hope that something will come through for you and you will receive the compassion and healing that you need Potcake, so don't give up, and also if you get stuck sometimes members or resources here might have further suggestions or avenues to explore. Kind wishes for healing to you...
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