Frightened it's starting again

[wi11ow]

Hi
i'm new here. I have dx BPD and since I stopped therapy i've stopped cutting. It had got to the point in therapy where every week just to get through the door I had to cut. I don't know why - maybe in some twisted way I did it to feel the T would care? I don't know. All I know is by leaving I didnt need to do it anymore - until now.
I recently met my birth mother for the first time and we are beginning to forge a wonderful new relationship. I've told her about the depression but not the rest but it's summer here and she has seen my arm. She's a social worker and has told me she doesnt need to know every detail as she's pretty good at listening and putting the picture together.
All I know is I don't want to start the SI again because of her. I don't want to scare her off either by opening up or by her seeing fresh scars BUT the feelings are getting too much for me to handle and I feel like I'm falling apart and I know it's just a matter of time.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in NZ and support isn't great here.

 

[Daniel E.]

What about taking meds for the bipolar disorder? Medications are usually the most effective treatment for bipolar disorder according to clinical studies.

It had got to the point in therapy where every week just to get through the door I had to cut. I don't know why - maybe in some twisted way I did it to feel the T would care? I don't know. All I know is by leaving I didnt need to do it
anymore - until now.

Well, since you already feel tempted to SI, maybe you can only get better in therapy since you already feel bad now?

 

[Daniel E.]

Oops...I got my abbreviations mixed up, so ignore my comments about medication for biploar disorder since your diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder, for which medications are prescribed based on symptoms.

 

[Halo]

Hi Willow and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome:

I know that you said that you don't want to open up to your mother to scare her off but knowing that she is a social worker I was wondering if you told her that you were struggling a bit and needed some support if she may have some suggestions for you as to where to get some help. You did say that she was a good listener and that may be really helpful. You obviously don't have to go into great detail about the strong urge to SI but just that you could use her support and connections, if any.

Take care

 

[wi11ow]

Thanks for reading what I wrote.
I am on meds already. I just don't want to risk losing her by opening up about the SI after all to outsiders it must at the least appear weird and at the worst totally psychotic. It's too precious to risk scaring her off. There's all sorts of s**t she doesnt know and its to early to start- how would you feel knowing your daughter almost died 4 months ago and deliberately hurts herself?

 

[ThatLady]

If your mother is a social worker, she has the necessary training to understand your illness and not to panic over it, Willow. If you're taking your medications as you're supposed to do, you're doing your part. I'm sure your mother will understand that, just as we do.

Meeting your birth mother for the first time, while probably a happy event, is also a stressful time. It would be for anyone. Therefore, it's not surprising that you're finding your SIing to again be problematic. This might be a good time to return to therapy for awhile. That might give you the assistance you need to see you through the stressful time you're undergoing.

:welcome: to PsychLinks! I'll be looking forward to hearing more from you. :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

i just wanted to say welcome willow and i hope that you'll feel at home here.