Frustrated by infertility

[Murray]

I am just feeling so frustrated with this whole infertility crap and felt the need to vent for a moment, sorry

This whole process just seems so strange and unnatural to me. I know that it will be more than worth it if it works, but in the meantime I am feeling like such a freak. It is like this is one more thing about me that is wrong- defective. Every time it doesn't work I feel like a failure yet again. I feel like I am letting everyone down; my husband, my mom, my in-laws, everyone. I know it is irrational, but I can't help feeling like a worthless piece of ****. (sorry, having a bad moment)

Part of me thinks that maybe it isn't working because I shouldn't have a baby- that I don't deserve one. Maybe it is nature's way of protecting an innocent baby from having me as a mother. I mean it's not like I am exactly happy and well adjusted, so maybe I shouldn't want to subject any child to having me as a mother. Maybe it would just be cruel for me to try to raise a child when I am the way I am. I don't know. I am just feeling so sad and worthless right now. I am sorry for this pity party I just had to write it down and get it out somehow.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: frustrated by infertility

I think you would make a great mother one that has compassion and understanding. I think sometimes if one is under alot of stress anxiety to get pregnant then for some reason the procedures don't work. It is when you are relaxed and just accept things as they are that is when things will happen. Try not to be so hard on yourself okay it is so hard to get the timing right on these procedures but it will eventually work I know you are worried but there are people who get pregnant much later in life so you will have time when it is meant to be it will happen You are not worthless far from that. I am glad you can post here and hope others can help in the same position as you but try not to let it run you life okay take care.

 

[Murray]

Re: frustrated by infertility

Thanks Violet, I am just in a funk today. Sorry
I have been really trying to relax and not stress about this stuff, it just gets to me every once in a while. I just get so sad sometimes. For the most part though I try not to dwell on it too much and figure I am doing what I can and it will happen when and if it is meant to happen, but some days it just seems to hit me hard. My problems are so minor compared to everyone else's I am so sorry that I keep posting my petty little stuff. Thanks for bearing with me.

Thanks so much for the reassurance, I just worry that the way I am I would be a bad mother. I would just so hate to cause anyone to suffer. Anyway, you are so kind to make me feel better about myself, thanks so much.:thankyou2:

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: frustrated by infertility

No you don't post petty stuff this is very important to you having a child is a very big issue and i can understand your fears and worries You will do fine Murray especially if you have supports around you One step at a time thought right I hope all will work out for you Your concerns i am sure others have felt as well so in posting them you are helping others relate to the same situation

 

[Murray]

Re: frustrated by infertility

You are always so kind to me Violet, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I just feel so whiny complaining about my stuff when people have real problems. One of the many reasons I am back in therapy at this time is to get myself sorted out so that I will be able to be a good parent if I am lucky enough to have a child. My therapist seems to be very supportive of me wanting to have a child, so I figure maybe that's a good sign. Although he probably wouldn't say "ack you want to have a child..bad idea"mg: But maybe he would be a little less supportive or express some reservations, I don't know.
Anyway, thanks.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: frustrated by infertility

"real problems" well your problems are as real as anyone else and are as just as important. If your therapist thought you would not make a good mother i assure you he or she would indeed tell you. They want the best for you and others around you. I am glad you are getting the skills needed to help you so when you have your child you will be strong and if need be you will have the supports in place to help you when you feel low again. I wish i had the supports maybe then things would have been different. It is always best to have all the help you can so when things go wrong and they will then others around you will step in to help.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What you're feeling is quite common for women (or couples, for that matter) going through the fertility/infertility process, Murray. I went through it years ago for my first child (and then had three more unplanned and unexpected). I think part of what makes it so stressful and distressing is (a) that it takes something that should be natural and destressing and turns it into something that feels artifical and stressful; and (b) you go through a terrible cucle of getting your hopes up and then feeling disappointed and almost grieving when it doesn't work... and for many couples this cycle is repeated many times before they are successful.

It's interesting how many couples, after that first conception, will within a few years have one or more additional children without intervention. It's almost as though the stress amd distress of wanting to conceive a child creates a barrier to conception. Then, once the stress is over and you have that little baby and can relax, you are finally able to return to a more "normal" psychological and physiological state.

I feel almost hypcritical saying this but try not to let yourself get discouraged. If you persist, you have a 90% plus probability of success.

 

[Murray]

Thank you Dr Baxter, I really appreciate the response.
I actually know several people who adopted after years of dealing with infertility and then got pregnant. It's funny how that happens. I am trying not to get too uptight and just let it happen, but it is hard. The artificiality does bother me a bit, oh well. If it works, it will be worth it.
Thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's probably also worth evaluating your general stress levels and iother factors that might inhibit fertilty for both you and your husband (e.g., smoking, caffeine, etc.).

 

[Murray]

Yeah, I do need to cut back on the caffeine. Neither my husband or I ever smoked or anything, but I do drink too many caffeinated beverages. I'm trying to cut back, on that and the chocolate

BTW, I meant to say before that I am so happy that it worked out for you guys, and eek ...hope I don't have three extra surprise babies. LOL, just one would be good.

 

[busybee]

Hey Murray, it must be really difficult to go through all this, right now. It looks like some negative self talk happening when you start talking about your worthiness to be a mum. I have read posts by you and they are caring empathetic and demonstrate what a lovely person you are. We all have some inner doubts about our abilities and I can assure you that as a mum it is one step at a time, always striving to do the best you know how. The amazing feat is that you already have a lot of insight into who you are.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

See also:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/pregnanc...s-and-toddlers/22690-infertility-gardens.html

Amazon.com: When You're NOT Expecting: An Infertility Survival Guide (9780470736418): Constance Hoenk Shapiro: Books

​

 

[Murray]

Once again I am not pregnant....sigh. Have been quite down about it honestly. Had to go to my in-law's tonight and it was quite hard. My husband's cousin said "Well... you pregnant yet? What's the hold up?" I was feeling sort of sensitive about it so I actually responded with" No, actually I am not, but thanks for bringing it up". I felt so bad for being rude and making him feel bad like that. I was just not feeling up to the usual teasing tonight. Even after I said that I got bombarded with the usual jokes about what we must be doing wrong in the bedroom, the offers to assist me with a turkey baster, the jokes about how maybe it's just as well that we haven't reproduced cause look at us, etc. I don't think they mean to hurt me. They are just trying to be funny I guess, but it still stings. Today I was finally feeling a little bit better after being in a very bad place lately and now I just want to cry. I'm losing hope.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm really, really sorry.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Don't feel bad about your husband's cousin. Some people just don't get subtlety or sensitive. That's when the 2 x 4 between the eyes comes in handy. If he doesn't get it yet, it's about time he did.

I'm amazed that even after that you still got the horrible harrassment. That's not humor. That's cruelty.

 

[Andy]

I'm sorry Murray. That's just not cool at all. Very insensitive of all of them. :support:

 

[Murray]

Thanks Cat Dancer, Dr Baxter and STP.
I don't think that they meant to hurt me I think that they were just trying to be funny and I am probably just way too sensitive. I still feel guilty for saying that to him, I hate when things just slip out before my internal censor catches them.

 

[Andy]

I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you either Murray but they sure weren't thinking about how hard it is on you so anything you said that may have been rude or out of character for you to say was perfectly understandable in my opinion. I think a lot of people don't realize just how hard it is when someone is trying to get pregnant and are not successful. They just think it will happen eventually. In the mean time your the one with the ticking clock and the desire to have a baby. I don't think many people actually think about that and all the other emotions that come with it.
Consider it ignorance on their part and do not feel bad for snapping at anyone, you have/had every right to in my opinion and if they still continued to make jokes then what you said obviously didn't sink in to any of them as being rude.

 

[busybee]

Murray, this is a very difficult time you are going through. The emotional yo yo of ups and downs, the hope the dreams and then the disappointments. It is not that you are too sensitive, but they are insensitive. You do not have to accept their behaviour and they all sound like they need a behaviour management plan, gee dr B a 2 x4 sounds good, cricket bat will have a more comfortable swing. Draw a line in the sand Murray and decide what you will or will not accept. Let them know that this is not acceptable, to minimize your loss, to make uncalled for remarks. I wish you all the very best.

 

[forgetmenot]

Murray you did good to only snap at them i would have done more They need to know how hard this is for you and that next time a little sensitivity on their part would be much appreciated. They were not being funny at all they were taking care of their uncomfortable emotions by making light as you say of the situation. I am sorry to say i would have slugged them and walked away I hope someone can put them in line next time maybe your husband can talk to them because their comments were rude and unacceptable.and very hurtful.