Frustrated!!

[kelsischanging]

I am so frustrated with my life...my depression is falling downhill very quickly...my cutting has escalated to a new, scary low...although i didn't think of lack of self esteem could get any worse it did (somewhat b/c i'm mad at myself for not being able to get over all this stuff)...i'm battling my use of alcohol and prescription drugs...i have a horrible relationship w/ my family and lately if I'm with one of them (MoM, sister, step-dad) there's usually a fight...I feel like I'm lying to everyone including myself... school is just a mess b/c i hate going everyday and i don't really have any good friends at school...the good friends i do have are like what's going on w/ kelsey...suicide is constantly on my mind...how, when, ect...I just want to take things and throw them or punch a brick wall or scream or cut or something....I want to be able to tell my therapist all of this but i just get scared and end of just sitting there staring at the clock....anyway thanks for listening to my ranting raving...
Kels

 

[Eunoia]

awww...Kels, that doesnt' sound too good. well, 1st of all you're not alone, however little consolation that is... and wanting to change things and not being able to or knowing how is definitely frustrating. I'm w/ you on that one! But I guess the thing that came to mind when reading your post is that one, things aren't okay and you know that, and two, you have an opportunity to do something about this by being honest w/ your therapist... people can't help if they don't know what's going on. your friends can't, your family can't, your therapist can't,.... hell, we couldn't try if you wouldn't post, right? all of those things, becoming more depressed, cutting more, having an even lower self-esteem, battling w/ alcohol/prescription drug abuse are signs giving a clue to your pain... having to deal w/ all of those and family stuff on top must be such a burden.... try to see them not so much as things that you have to deal w/ but more like little red lights coming on, trying to send you a message to say that you need some help dealing w/ things...

telling your therapist all of this is scary, no doubt about that, but living like this and watching yourself falling even more, is also scary...right?? None of this is easy, trying to reach out for help, but I guess the hope is that in the end it will be worth the effort... and honestly, sometimes I'm thinking, anything would be better than this, right?! I find myself in that position of not being happy, generally feeling "stuck", and not knowing what to do, who to turn to, and how to stop all of this.. but I do know that there are options. there's always options. it's just a matter of seizing those opportunities and finding the strength, courage, and committment to open that door to hopefully something better.... vent and rave as much as you want..... feels good to be able to do so... and if it keeps you from c'ing or taking pills or drinking or feeling like you're alone in this, even for once, it's worth it.....

 

[ThatLady]

Kels, sweetie, if you can't tell your therapist about the hell you're living, write it down and hand it to him/her. It's not so hard to give something to someone in writing as it is to have to sit there and talk it out. You've got to do something to stop what's happening to you. You know that. Just write your feelings out and hand the written account to your therapist. You don't have to say a word, luv.