Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother

[locrian]

Coming from the opposite perspective, it's painful for me to read about these toxic mother-daughter relationships. While I wouldn't say that everything was perfect in my family of origin, the one thing I can say for sure is that I always felt loved by my parents.

When I read or hear about someone who was raised without feeling loved, it's like reading or hearing about someone who's blind or deaf. Something very real is missing in the normal life experience. A blind person who's unable to enjoy the panoramic view after hiking to the top of a mountain, or a deaf person who can't enjoy hearing birds at dawn - it seems analagous to someone who's left without warm memories of time spent with mom and dad.

Recently I spoke with a friend who grew up as a triplet. His parents clearly only wanted one child, and they resented having three. My friend told me that his mother never, not once, asked him how his day was. Last year he went into a rage and broke some of her possessions while spending the night in her condo after a therapy session, and they haven't had a real conversation since then. Another friend's father walked out on his mother when he was in first grade - the father had another family at the time.

I'm naive and innocent enough not to be able to understand how anyone can let himself or herself inflict such deep scars on their own child. My only guess is that the person must be shut down emotionally, must be selfishly immature, and must be carrying a lot of unresolved baggage of their own that they hand off to their kid(s).

 

[MWCT]

I agree with Locrian. I was too bought up by very loving parents (who just celebrated their 40th anniversary last year). That is why this situation with my MIL is so foreign to me. I am a very open and honest person who is finding it very troubling and difficult to find someone as 'deceiptful', 'manipulative' and questioning my core values (right down to religion, etc.)

It is a sad turn of events - one I never expected when I met my husband who happens to be my true solemate.....he is truly wonderful and nothing like her...I guess he got that from his dad (who has long passed away - I never met him).

 

[Overcomer]

This is my first post. I too am a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have thousands of stories such as regular beatings and Mom getting pregnant by 6 of my boyfriends because she could or her planting drugs in my bedroom and calling the police on me but I'm in search of healing. I have had no contact with her in years. The last time we spoke she was throwing a fit because I refused to give her custody of my daughter. Mom then tried to kidnap her and my brave daughter jumped from a moving van and ran for help. Sometimes it's best to have no contact than even very little contact with someone. My goal is to live a life where I am over it. I just want to move on without the ghosts, anger, nightmares, or feeling like I am not worth spit. I'm tired of feeling insignificant and want to live. How do I do that?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think you'll find there are several other members who can relate to your experiences, Overcomer, and I'll let them respond based on those experiences.

Welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[SueW]

Hello Overcomer,

A very warm welcome to you. There are lots of us here who have been through very similar things you have. You said you were tired of feeling insignificant and that you want to live and asked how to do that. I would hate to try to tell you what to do because what is right for one person may not be right for another. However, I will say that having no contact at all worked for me. It just did not work to see her 'now and again' as she still found ways to manipulate. It seems to me you are already on the right road to healing. As well as the books already mentioned, I would also recommend the following.

When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends by Victoria Secunda
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson

One other thing, Western cultures and many other cultures consider 'bad mothers' as a taboo subject. In Secunda's book she has a chapter called "The Bad Mommy Taboo" - this helped me enormously.

All the best to you and keep posting.

Sue

 

[Always Changing]

Hi Overcomer,
Welcome to PL.
I just want to let you know as others have done.. you are not alone in where you are at. I too am in the process of dealing with this part of my life.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Me too... Stopped talking to my parents in May of this year. Still a bit of grieving going on, still seeing a therapist (again) to try to write over the old programming... Starting to be more assertive and unlearn being so darn tolerant of inappropriate behaviours toward me. Etc.

 

[Overcomer]

Thanks so much ya'll. I understand the more information I find out about her "condition" and listening to ya'll and sharing my own experiences then things will get better. I've never been one to share the things she has done-I guess I tried to protect her.

She was diagnosed by 2 different psychologists as having Narcissism with Psychopathic Tendencies and I didn't understand until recently what that meant. I found (by accident) a webpage of someone describing what a narcissistic mother was like and it felt like I had written it, someone else knew what I had lived through and what I was feeling. It was enlightening, empowering, and relieving all at the same time. That site is what lead me here. I can't tell you how good it feels to find others like me. I'M NOT ALONE!!!! And I'm NOT crazy!!!!

It's been 8 years since I spoke to her and she still finds ways to make jabs at me-even from across the country. I still have nightmares at least once a week and feel like she is looking over my shoulder and I had better be careful or I will get it. I started getting beat about twice a year when I was 10 (when my grandma died). They always started the same....she would sit me down to "talk to me" and in this "talk" I had to be quiet and she would tell me that even though she tried to love me and actually loved me more than any other person ever would I was just too horrid of a girl to be loved. She would go on to say she needed to take time for herself because I was too demanding of her. These talks always ended the same way....she would start hitting me. She liked to punch me in the face. The first time she beat me she pinned me in an arm chair by straddling me and punch me in the face 7 or 8 times while screaming that I was too horrid (that was her word for me) for her to be around me and she needed to go out. I just sat there. At age 13 I started defending myself. I tried to hit back. Bad mistake. It made things worse. That's when she started calling the cops on me. She had me arrested for anything she could dream of...I had attacked her, I was out of control, I was trying to hurt my self or my siblings or the pets and one of her favorites.....she was afraid of me. She would say "sure you can go outside" then tell the cops I left in anger saying I would hurt myself and she was afraid I ran away. Then she started planting drugs on me telling the cops to take me away that I was out of control. I didn't do drugs so every test came back clean and Juvie couldn't keep me. She even tried to have me institutionalized but after the 72 hour evaluation the psychiatrist said he was surprised I was as sane as I was and she needed to be locked up but he didn't have the authority to do it, he was very apologetic and tried to help me find someplace safe to move. That didn't work because Mom found out and the whole family moved. These beatings kept up until I moved out at 19.
This was easier than I thought it would be. I guess I opened the flood gates. I feel like I could write and write but it would take too many pages to put it all on here. I think I will start a journal.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow!

My mom was a bit more, shall we say, sneaky and subtle... For the most part I am sure she would completely avoid the police if she could (except for the time she called the cops on one of my brothers because she provoked him constantly until he punched a hole in the wall)... But she wouldn't hesitate to start venting to a person she barely knew at a church pancake breakfast, or constantly call someone until they stopped picking up the phone anymore, or have some kind of blow-up at a family reunion... She also did really strange things like take us kids when we were around the ages of 5, 7 and 9 for a Sunday at the local jail for lay services for inmates: that was where she let me sit on a pedophile's lap, then afterward told me exactly what a pedophile was and what they do (and left me wondering why the hell she would let me sit on his lap and hold his sweaty hand to mine during prayer circle).... And of course my dad took a picture of me, and my mom refuses to destroy it because she says she doesn't have any other pictures of me at that age.

So, been to therapy yet (to unlearn all you have learned)?

 

[Overcomer]

No no therapy. I've just dealt with things on my own.

Like I said until 2 weeks ago I didn't have anything concrete to go on. I had my life and I knew how I grew up but even my sister (the golden child) said she didn't know how I could say I had a bad childhood, according to her Mom was overly loving and even though she messed up "love covers a multitude of sins". Everything my mom did had an ulterior motive to make me look bad and make her look good or like she was a victim. I have said since I could remember that Mom thought half the world owed her something and the other half was trying to take it away.

Mom even told me several times that my sister was conceived by God, that there was no human male involved in her conception. As if Mom was so pure and loving that God himself wanted her. She also got pregnant by more than one of my boyfriends-the first one was 14 and she was 32. When confronted about it she said she did it because she could. She even slept with her grand daughters father. I've had boyfriends and friends alike tell me the same story over and over....she would approach saying that I was a bad friend to them and they could do better, she would move in saying that she was just looking after them because she knew how much of a messed up person I was and that I just needed love but they needed to know what they were in for when it came to me. She would then try to build me up saying I was just wounded or angry and she didn't know how to help me but she knew I needed a good friend like them.

She even told my Dad I had not graduated from high school and had a GED so he should turn me away when I came to him "bragging" about going to college and asked for his help. Truth was I had graduated high school in 2 years instead of 4 and earned a full ride scholarship to the college of my choice. I was going to be moving out and living on my own and (she later said wanted the child support) so she told me I had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and had to move to another state or I would die. I lost my apartment, my job, my friends, my scholarship, and my self respect. Even my Dad believed her. I was moved from a big city to a small town in another state with nothing but her and my siblings and a whole new set of control. It took 11 years before I could manage to start college and then I had a child and had to work my way through.

I hadn't thought about therapy until I was reading on here the last 3 days. I searched for a support group but couldn't find one. I wouldn't know where to turn for therapy and to be honest I just want to be free. I want to wake up and not have her ghost haunting me. I have started journaling and hope that helps. One thing she has taught me is to let go. I've had to walk away from so many things, I have nothing from my childhood (not even baby pictures), I went to 34 different schools, I've lived in upteen different states (sometimes for only a week or month before we moved again). One time we moved to Los Angeles, we arrived on Thanksgiving Day and left on Christmas Day. When we left she conveniently left ALL of my clothes but what was on my back at the laundry mat and didn't realize they were missing while she packed for us all. I've learned the hard way to let go.

 

[MWCT]

What about sons of narcissistic mothers? Do they exhibit the same issues?

I believe my mother-in-law is truly narcissistic and see a lot of these issues with my sister-in-law (self sabotager and also co-dependent). She is depressed, obese (even regained after gastric bypass surgery) and goes from job to job (either quits or is fired) and my mother-in-law jumps right in to "save the day" and bail her out.

I don't think my husband has these issues - or does he? He works hard at his job (but I am the primary breadwinner by far)....and through all the issues with his mom - he wants to still be there for her - but on a limited basis. I keep reminding him of what he wants.....

We constantly need breaks from her, but he doesn't want to break ties. I just don't want to deal with her anymore.

 

[SueW]

Hi again Overcomer
Oh my goodness you poor soul - you have certainly been through some crap! And for her to be diagnosed with Narcissism with Psychopathic Tendencies. It is truly a testament to your survival skills that you made it here.
All good healing to you however you do it. Funny you should mention support group - I am planning to set one up as I am a trained therapist (been practicing 6 years) but I am in the UK in the North of England and most people here are in the US.
Sue

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

See, I think it's different for different families.

When you have a Narcissistic parent (in my case my mom) things are unpredictable. I was the eldest and only girl in the family and I think my mom disliked me more because I reminded her most of herself when she was growing up. She thrust a lot of responsibilities on me, I was supposed to be the example to the rest of the siblings, I was supposed to be in charge and look after them after school, I was supposed to look out for them, when I learned to drive I was supposed to shuttle them around. I felt a bit neglected because she was always worried about and paying attention or arguing with my brothers, but not me (unless I stopped doing math homework for a month). My youngest brother got very ill in his mid teens with chronic fatigue syndrome (or Epstein-Barr Syndrome) so my mom was constantly on him about getting better sleep (and he couldn't help it, his sleeping pattern was all over the map because of the nature of the illness - he'd fall asleep in school, but find it difficult to sleep at night). If my brothers didn't feel like listening or went off somewhere then this reflected on me. On the other hand my brothers said I was bossy and grouchy all the time, and they didn't understand the fear and pressure I felt if they did something wrong then I would be in trouble. I'm sure that made me bossy and grouchy! lol On the other hand, when my parents were home (ie not gone for the weekend or not at work) on the weekend it seemed my younger brothers were allowed to pretty much get away with anything. I had a curfew. At one point I was not allowed to drive the car unless I recorded the mileage (because of course none of my friends could drive so I was the one they hung around with so they could get transportation)... At the same time she would always say in a conspiratory tone, "Don't ever have boys! Boys are such trouble!" (meaning my brothers)...

My middle brother was coddled and fussed over and taken to the psychiatrist and prayed over because one minute he had ADHD, another minute he was schizophrenic, another minute he was 'slow,' another minute he was possessed (oh yeah, my mom performed an exorcism on the house and him when he was a kid). He was the broken child that mom always tried to fix. I was not allowed to do better than him, I was not allowed to express that I had a good mark on a test because it would make him feel bad, he was to be trodden carefully around. If he broke a rule, oh well, mom felt he didn't understand the rules, so even if she tried to ground him, he would still break the restrictions from the grounding, and it was "oh well" again... His room was always a pigsty. He was always missing from the house, bringing mooches home to raid the fridge, doing drugs and drinking at parties, etc... Somehow mom never noticed he was doing this, coming home with red eyes and being paranoid. If any of her kids did something memorable she'd brag about it, but if we did something that upset her she'd broadcast that, too, presumably for attention. "Oh poor me! I don't know what to do with these kids! I try to do everything I can for them but it's never enough! (please insert long rambling stories that most people probably don't share with people they barely know at a church pancake breakfast)."

My youngest brother was closest to my mom in some ways, even though he asked several times if he was adopted. He was the most clean of anyone in the house. If he found a spider in his bedroom in the middle of February he would open the windows in his bedroom, spray the entire room down with lysol and wait a few hours before shutting his bedroom window. He would save his Hallowe'en candy for an entire year. He wouldn't invite people over to the house, because it was too dirty. He would be embarrassed when my mom would come and pick him up at school and hide on the floor of the car... He got along best with mom, for quite a while... He told me once that he thought he could "handle" mom with logic and being mindful of what she was doing. But when he met and married his wife, everything changed...

My brother ended up not talking to my mom for over 7 years (still not) because my sister-in-law basically brought him to his senses. She was not gaslighted into believing my mother's crap like the rest of us in the family. She had a photo perfect memory and would call my mom on all her BS. My mom and her had huge fights... One Christmas they had to come and stay for the rest of their holiday at our house after they had tried to stay at my parents. My mom also to this day blames my sister-in-law for my brother not talking to her anymore... Just like now she's been calling up my aunts and gramma and blaming them for me not talking to my mom and dad since May.

Now of course, when my youngest brother disappeared on my mom, then it was my husband and I who she would fuss over and say we were so wonderful (interesting because before when my husband and I were in Florida, she would bad-mouth us to my youngest brother who thought my husband was a jerk until he actually met him some time later). So no doubt we've fallen out of favour with my parents now, too. Not that it worries me. I don't even care if I'm in the will anymore. She told me that she was deducting a certain amount per day for the amount of time my youngest brother doesn't talk to her, so I assume I have a similar algebraic formula in the will for me. It's all good, because I don't want her money, I don't want anything from her anymore. She's messed up my life (and my brother's) financially and also has gotten in trouble with Revenue Canada, rentalsman/Health, and Labour, among others... I know from painful experience not to go near my mother when she's dangling a wad of cash in front of me, or any so-called gift.

So now the coddled broken (middle) child is still with them in British Columbia, and my mom is hanging out with her friends who liked her from a long way away. It will be interesting to see if she shoots herself in the foot again and loses all her friends that she moved to BC for. She pushed all her friends away from herself here. Not to mention family in Alberta. My dad, I don't know what he thinks, but I think he's practically thinking like my mother now, and become a complete stranger, a complete replica and extension of her. If that's not Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't know what is... 8P

Sorry I seem to have lost my train of thought and gone all out venting again. 8P Oh well, my point is that depending on what happens in this kind of family, there's always one kid mom loves to show off and treat special and overly smother and one she more often than not neglects... It's like everyone gets their own label. She plays you off each other, makes you seem special to her somehow, but is probably doing the same with the other kids behind your back.m Sometimes the dynamic changes if for some reason the golden child falls out of favour (heaven forbid, perhaps having one's own opinion).

But it was never predictable, never consistent, and never really unconditional love. lol Sheez, I blather. Sorry bout that...

 

[Overcomer]

By the way....when we moved away from Los Angeles on Christmas and she "forgot all my clothes" I forgot to tell you that we moved to Colorado. I got so sick from not having clothes and the cold temps and she just laughed at me, telling everyone I was faking because I was mad that I had left my suitcase behind. My aunt actually went out and bought me clothes. My sister was the golden child and was put on a pedestal so when she sneezed in Colorado she was taken to the doctor.

After we settled into our new house I didn't have a bed and begged and begged for a waterbed. This lasted for months. When my sister mentioned one day she wanted a waterbed also Mom decided we would shop that weekend for new waterbeds. She said we each had X dollars to spend. We were to shop for my sisters first then we would shop for mine. My sister picked out a huge one with a beautiful 6 ft tall mirrored and lighted headboard, new satin sheets, drawers in the pedestal and padded sides. Mom pulled me aside and said my sister had gone over her limit so I needed to find one on clearance. I found one in the scratch and dent section. Just a box with a mattress and heater. No sheets, headboard or padded sides. Mom reluctantly said ok. They were to be delivered and set up the next Monday. I raced home from school on Monday so excited to see my new bed. When I got there my sisters bed was set up and glowing but mine wasn't there. Mom said there was a fire in the store and mine had burned up but it was just as well because mine cost her too much money and if I wanted one I would have to find a free one somewhere and put it up myself. Guess what! I found one! I put it up and Mom was seething mad. Two weeks later someone broke into our house and stole all of my albums, my stereo, my new clothes and my costume jewelry that I had got from my Grandma (I was close to my Grandma and she had passed away) nothing else in the whole house was touched. Just my room. A friend of my Mom's told me that she had done it herself and only pretended to have a break in.

It's memories like that I want to be able to think about and not have any feelings well up. I can relate to so many people on here and see my life in the other posts. Half of the battle is done just knowing what it is I'm dealing with and another huge part is knowing I'm not alone. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can almost smell the freedom. Thank you for all ya'll are doing for me.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Oh man, Overcomer, your mom is something else... 8(

*hugs and more hugs*

:grouphug3:

 

[Always Changing]

I came across this earlier while reading a thread on tips for awakening your strongest self, I thought it might be helpful to if it were linked in here to this thread.. Why Do I Feel Bad? | hitched

The originating article posted by Daniel here http://forum.psychlinks.ca/resources-self-help-exercises-readings

 

[Overcomer]

Thanks Always Changing. There was some pretty good information on there. I have also felt like I had a stamp written across my forehead. I now understand that I do. I have done some reflecting and realized that I not only had a mother with NPD but I also married a man with it. It used to be a running joke that I married my mother...now I see just how deep the connection went. But I have also started looking at the types of friends I have and my relationships with them. The people that I have a stressful and tense friendship with are very similar to my mom. Not to such extreme but a lot of commonalities. I know that narcissism is healthy at a lower level and we all have it to some extent but some of my more unhealthy relationships are becoming more distant with the intent to work them out of my life all together. I want only healthy relationships and people surrounding me. I am determined to remove all effects of NPD from my life.
I can see in just this short time of finding this site that positive changes have been made in not only my life but my house as well. My daughter has started responding to me reading to her what I've learned and has also made the decision to come out of her shell and stand up for who and what she is and believes. A lot of healing is taking place here in my home. This site has changed our lives. I still have horror stories of the havoc she has reeked such as she burned the house down while we were in it, she whipped my daughter when she was 18 mos then took pictures saying I did it to try to get me charged as an unfit parent and her get custody, she said her divorce was from my dad when I was 9 was my fault, she could never remember my birthday, told me that I was not allowed to visit my sisters children unless I took them presents and many many more.

 

[Overcomer]

I just wanted to thank everyone on here that has listened to me and my stories. I have been doing a lot of research about Narcissistic mothers and I have come a long way in healing. The more I learn the more I realize that I wasn't to blame. None of her actions were not my responsibility. This has been very freeing. I have remembered so things I had forgotten and/or blamed myself for and now see that I wasn't supposed to ever accept the blame. I was carrying weight that I was never supposed to carry. Just knowing that the things she did was on her head means I can see my past clearly. Yes she was horrible to me but that's on her not me. I think I can move on and have a smile.

 

[cleofet]

This may not be the right place to post this but here goes. My 88 year old narcissistic mother is now in Nursing Home with Alzhimers. No longer such a hatefull person but still not the mother I needed. I am the only family that still talks to her and the only one that lives near her. I am doing the things I am doing out of guilt. I only go to see her once a week and feel really bad about that but I really don't even want to go that time either. I wish it could all just be over with and she pass away so that I can really start getting over her. I know this sounds horrible but I am being honest. I have so much on my plate right now that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Money is really tight, all of my adult children are having problems, both husband and myself are having health problems, adult daughter and her two new babies are living with us as is my adult son and now same daughters ex-husband is staying with us but will be put out wens. morning because as of now (thurs) he has not gotten a job. I am on depression and anxity meds but because of the coast I have not been taking them every day. I guess I am just venting here.

 

[Overcomer]

Cleofet, This is the perfect place to post this. This place has helped me so much. Just knowing I could share the truth and not have someone think I was crazy and actually believe me made a huge difference in my life.
The first thing I had to learn was that I had to take care of myself first and to hell with the rest of the world. Its sounds horrible and even did to me then but I came to understand that if I was empty how could I fill the needs of anyone else. If you're giving and giving and not getting back you become dry and resentful. I had to say no and walk away. The best thing that ever happened to me was my mother telling me she never wanted to see me again. At the time it was painful but now I embrace her being gone. I will not show up at her funeral not out of hate for her but because I am so much better off without her. If she were any other person (a boyfriend, friend etc) the world would have agreed with me...keep her out of my life. Just because she is my mom does not give her the right to abuse me. Its not selfish to acknowledge that you have needs that need tending to. And you can never meet others needs if you have nothing left.