Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother

[sunshine]

Hi Runforthehills,

As I was reading the story I thought it was me - because the examples you give are so similar (except that in my case I as the "scapegoat" and mys sister was/is the "golden child".

"She would come into my sister or my bedroom and take everything and put it in a pile in the middle of the room (clothes, toys etc) for us to put all away again". - we had to do the same. My mother would take all my and my sister's clothing, books - put in one pile in the middle of the room for us to clear it up.

"She always had a headache therefore I would never want to approach her." I never remember my mother smiling. She was always absent in mind. When she was walking along my side her mind was always somewhere else. When she would come back home, she would just look through me never saying "hello" or anything for that matter. She would just go to her room and watch TV.

"As I entered my teenage years she would lock the door and not let me in the house if I was even 5min late coming home. The first time this happened I was 12 years old". When I was 12, one evening I didn't feel treated right, so I was sitting in my room crying. My mother came in, took the suitcase, opened the cupboard, took all my clothes out, threw the suitcase out of the door, took me by my hand and dragged me outside. Locked the door - and here I was, alone, at 9pm, with the temperatures 10F and tons of snow outside (At least she gave me the coat and the hat). I will never forget it. I run to the friend who lived close by and slept at her place. The next morning I skipped the school (since I didn't have keys to come back home and change), I called my father, the enabler, who criticized me ask me to swear that I will never cause so much harm to my mother (to this day I have no idea what wrong have I done).

The abuse you describe sounds so damaging and her actions are so disrespectful. I have goose bumps reading all the facts you are giving. Not that many people really talk about such emotional abuse (mostly everyone talks about physical abuse), but in my opinion the emotional abuse is so much more damaging... Let me know how it goes...

 

[Overcomer]

One of the hardest things I ever had to do, and still find moments where I struggle with, is forgiving my mom. The very thought of releasing her from her responsibility for the crimes/sins she committed toward me just rubs me the wrong way. I want her to be held accountable. But I know that forgiveness has nothing to do with her actions and everything to do with freeing me from the weight of the pain she has caused. I have spent many years hating her. That hate was so heavy that it interfered with my life. She will never change so I can never wait until she seeks my forgiveness. She thinks she has done nothing wrong therefore, she doesnt need to be forgiven. Her list of crimes goes on and on....I endured regular beatings, she got rid of all my clothes but the ones I had on my back, I couldnt drive my car (I paid for) unless I allowed my sister to drive it too (and she didnt even have a license), she got pregnant by my first boyfriend when she was 32 (he was 14), and she got pregnant 6 times by my boyfriends while I was a teenager....just to name a few. Still she thinks she has done nothing wrong. Still she thinks I should thank her for being in my life. She wont even discuss any of it because she thinks there was nothing wrong with any of her actions. The few times I have tried she starts crying and asks how I could be so cruel to her for making her remember how much of a failure she was as a mother because she tried so hard and I was so unlovable and difficult to be around. She does not hide or deny that my sister was her favorite and she did not want me. She has told me many times that if it wasnt for me she would have had a wonderful life. That I ruined everything for her. My sister on the other hand was the golden child and my mom tells anyone that will listen that my sisters father is God. She really believes my younger sister was conceived without a human male being involved. My sister was allowed to do anything and my mom refused to allow anyone to use the word "NO" with her. Even as adults my brother and I were told to take my sister gift wrapped "happy to see you" presents whenever we went to her house. My sister could do no wrong. My mom would actually tell us that I was the reason it rained but my sister was the reason for the sunshine.
Its easier to forgive after 8 years of no contact but I still have moments where I want to punch her in the face. Healing takes time but I know that forgiving her is something I must do for me.....not for her. She will never know I have forgiven her because I will never acknowledge her again.

 

[sunshine]

I hear you so well. It took me also years to let her go (even when she was already out of my life). I believe the stronger the abuse, harder and longer it takes to let her go. I was naive enough to ask her to apologize to me when she made me feel like a total piece of S...T. Her response was (and I am sure everyone's mother on this forum has the same one) - I didn't do anything wrong. You are the one who has problems. I did the best job and you were just born a loser. So, now, that I am so much calmer and in a much better place, I would say - yes it is terrible that these memories come up once in a while (and I am afraid that will for the rest of our lives), but that's ok. Every time we will have a panic attack every time it will be a bit less, but they will come back (with so much abuse we've been through it would be surprising it wouldn't). When I have a panic attach like that I also want to punch my mother in her face (I think a part of anger against her will be always inside of me), but i always say - she is dead for me and try really to distract my attention to something else or allow myself to cry and then be held by my husband... and it goes away... I think the best revenge we can do is to really live good and be happy - that's the only thing we can do to be happy and trust - that is enough of misery for them to know that we are not in their lives any longer )

 

[Runforthehills]

The thing I am struggling with right now is that I do not want a relationship with my parents or any contact with them whatsoever. The issue is that my nephew (14) has begun to have contact with them again. I am very overprotective of him and am so worried about the mindgames my Mom with play with him. Just when I feel like I've let go and am ready to move on something else happens where she is right back in my face again. I feel like at the tender age of 14 it isn't fair of me to bash her to him nor do I think he will understand all that is involved with him having a relationship with her. I know the only reason she is attempting a relationship with him is to get back at my sister and I. She will bribe him with gifts and money. She hates my sister and I so much that she will say anything to him to get him on her side. She has already turned my niece against her own mother and me...where we no longer have a relationship at all. I feel so helpless.

Does anyone have experience with grandparents legal rights to have visitation? I have told her she is to have no contact with my children and so far she hasn't tried (it's been a year). I am worried that that is her next move. I am prepared to fight her in court if I have to. My children are 16, 13 and 11. None of them want anything to do with her.

---------- Post added at 09:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 AM ----------

By the way, I will never forgive her. I have way to much hate in me for even the slightest idea of forgiveness. I can accept that she has a mental illness. I think possibly that forgiveness might happen when she stops abusing me....my hopes are that over time when she realizes I will not play a part anymore she might give up and move onto someone else.

She has no friends, her sisters don't talk to her anymore, her own Mother can barely be around her, she has lost her two daughters and most of her grandchildren. Even with all of this it is still everyone else's problem. She clings to my niece as she is obviously the golden child now. I still shake my head that my father stands by and supports her. It's mind boggling!

---------- Post added at 11:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:53 AM ----------

Sunshine... Thank you for post. See I think I might still wonder if "it" was normal. To hear that someone else had the same things happen to them helps me understand it is not normal. How about these:

I broke my wrist when I was at a park when I was 8....my mom would not come help me. Her excuse was she thought I just wanted a ride home and was lying.

When she kicked me out of the house the probably 20 times between the ages of 12 and 16 she blamed it on me...saying I was a drug addict. I wasn't.

I had to pay rent at 16 - then they wouldn't kick me out anymore.

When I was in labor with my first son she shhh'ed me for moaning saying "I can't hear anyone else complaining" I don't know why this memory is so hurtful.

She favored my niece (1.5 years older than my son). Saying she only likes girls. When I had my daughter she never changed...it was still only about my niece.

Christmas dinners as adults had her weighting the grandchildren to tell them during dinner to watch their weight. Numerous dinners had the kids in tears. She also kept a running log of their weight to remind these growing children every time they gained a lbs. Her excuse is shes only trying to help.

She would buy my niece expensive gifts at Christmas or the things her brother would ask for and buy the other grand kids $20 gifts. My niece would get an iPod touch, her brother...ice skates (he never skates). The brother actually asked for an iPod, but my sister couldn't afford it.

I have many more...washing the dishes when I needed a chair to reach the sink. If she found even a spot on a dish, every single dish in the house would be taken out to wash again.

Her constant illnesses...I would have to drive her to appointments, groceries, etc etc cause she was to sick to drive....it was all a crock. She was just trying to make me feels sorry for her. I wasted some much time being at her beck and call.

She would tell me stories about my dad at a very young age (I'm thinking 8-10) that she found pictures of him with a prostitute. That my biological father was abusive, tried to kill me when she was pregnant and that a birthmark I have is the result of such beatings. That he gave me up cause he didn't want to pay child support (my bio father and her divorced when I was 3...he was smart and ran for the hills) my mother remarried when I was 5 to my stepdad (the enabler). The stories about my bio father have proven to be entirely false. I now realize that she created these stories about him so I wouldn't have a relationship with him. He knew the truth about her. He was married to her when she was instutionalized. He was the one who knew she was diagoised with personality disorder. My bio father I started a relationship when I was 20. My mom is very threatened by this relationship. She didn't talk to me for a year. And I was never allowed to talk about him. Interesting how a couple of years ago she messaged him on Facebook to ask about old neighbors and such. Then used my relationship with him as one of her tools in getting my stepdad to stop talking to me. She acted as she never knew my bio dad and I were friends on Facebook...more lies as she was communicating with him as well!!!

She has made it known she has taken me out of the will, also added a memdorium so I can never contest it.

Tried to sue me for defamation of character when I posted on Facebook that she sent me a text taking me out of the will. It never went anywhere, because I'm assuming she couldn't find a lawyer to actually take the case...only one who would send a letter with the threats.

When my grandfather had a stroke in September she would not relay any information to me about his condition, even when I politely asked that she at least keep me posted. She went to the extent of convincing my grandmother in her distraught mind to have my sister and I banned from entering his hospital room so we could not say our goodbyes.

Her hate for me right now scares me. She is unstable....she has no compassion. No empathy. It is so scary!

 

[Budoaiki]

I have dealt with (and still am) issues regarding my own mother and for me the biggest hurtle was figuring out her anger was infectious. In that if she was angry/miserable ect she went out of her way to let everyone know it through various means.

The thing that gave me the most closure was understanding a simple but important concept, one that has helped me immeasurably throughout my life.

That concept was and still is that anger can become so intense that it becomes viral in that when some people reach a certain level of anger they have to vent because they have no or are unable/unwilling to seek out healthier means to do so and/or prevent the problem in the future.

Understanding that helped me to rid myself of a lot of anger because I saw through her weakness then my anger and hatred turned into pity and in time compassion.

It allowed me to judge her actions separate from her feelings because I understood that she became blinded by her anger and wasn't fully cognisant of her actions or their consequences. (Which can happen with any emotion.)

It doesn't excuse anything she's done but it did help me to let go of some of my own anger that was weighing me down and lowering my own threshold for anger and prevented me from adopting that behaviour myself.

Having grown up with older siblings who reacted to her anger with their own(at her, oursleves and each other) I understood long ago that when anger get's out of control, it's like a fire in the mind seeking anything it can use for fuel to keep the rage burning.

I have to say that it's not easy to be exposed to that and keep calm but knowing that the personal attacks came from a sense of weakness and helplessness added an enormous amount of resolve and allowed me to react with a clear mind.

With a clear conscience, I can handle those attacks, I can react with compassion when faced with the barrage of ferocious attacks and remain at peace with myself and her.

I would be lying if I said it was easy, it wasn't but it did get easier overtime and it's a lot easier than reacting to her anger by feeding it with my own and perpetuating conflict.

That was more than worth the effort and the rewards were incalculable, it gave me back the energy I was wasting in anger and new-found courage to do other things.

I think it's to be angry, just be careful where you direct it, don't let the anger you're exposed to weigh you down or blind you to the consequences of your own actions when you are.

 

[wanda20]

Well, I had a terrible Christmas Day. I hadn't talked to my narcissistic mother for 12 months. Then she calls me on Christmas morning at my home and says loudly down the line, I hate you Wanda! I was just recovering from a knee arthroscopy at home (2nd day) and I had to hear that! I called back to try and sort things out. That didn't work. When she called back during that day I was in the shower, so she told my partner to tell me, "that if I want to fix things, I have to go to her home".

I couldn't deal with it all at that time, so I called back last night and that didn't end well either. She wants to go back over events that occured in the last 12 years. When I told her I couldn't remember she got angry and yelled. When I told her I was sorry that I hurt her, my apology was not sincere. My older sister who lives interstate and talks to her okay (for now) said thats what she went through to get to a point, eventually, when she could have a reasonably civil conversation. But my sister says she still brings up things from the past. That even though she explained she can't remember or that was the decision she made at the time, my mother won't accept it.

I was left distraught last night after calling my mother twice, and she ended up hanging up from me twice. Everything I said to her over the phone was wrong, so she ended up yelling loudly and hung up on me. I am not sure what to do now. She is 75 and Dad is 84. I didn't want them hating me with their last dying breath, but it looks like they will.

I don't know what else to say, or what to do. Maybe I will just send cards to her on special occasions to let her know I am still thinking of her.

Thanks for listening.

Wanda

 

[Runforthehills]

I'm sorry to hear you had to got though this Wanda. My Mother does the same type things, I'm just glad I see what she is doing now, so that I don't react the way I have in the past. I haven't had a conversation with my parents in over a year now as well. I had Christmas presents returned to me last year when I tried to do something nice. I too worry about what will happen when she gets sick or passes away but for now it's one day at a time.

 

[wanda20]

Thanks for the reply Runforthehills. May I ask, what do you see that she is doing now? How did you react in the past? I too have had cards returned to me cut up, but my older sister says that I should still send them to show that I care. I guess it still comes from that need to still have some form of contact.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

My mom still tries to send me hate mail or religious pamphlets in the mail, and she makes sure they come with no return address. I even think she is getting someone else to write the address down, because my last name was misspelled once. lol

I usually get my husband to open it, and if he says, "It's another one of 'those'," then I tell him to throw it out.

This Christmas my mom tried to send me money. She cut the envelope open on the bottom and taped it shut again, just to make it obvious that she either added or removed something. I didn't open it, but could see a partially hidden cheque with the world 'thousand' on it. I was going to send it back to their last known address because usually when they move, my dad puts forwards on the mail to have it sent to their current address.

Then my dad emailed my brother his new Box address, and either accidentally or purposely included my email address in the email, but definitely chose not to address me, just my brother, advising that this was the new address... So I took their unopened Christmas card, put it inside my own Christmas card and wrote inside my card: "Thanks but we don't need the money. Hope you had a nice Christmas." And sent it back.

I don't receive normal letters, I receive hate mail... It's the reason I blocked their email, their phone and their Facebook. My mom still tries to get to me through other relatives and tries to threaten or emotionally punish them when they don't cooperate. I have chosen "No Contact" to protect myself and my family. I don't do it to be mean. I do it to be kind to myself. I deserve to be treated like a human being, and my mom doesn't know how to treat me that way. I've learned to accept that she isn't ever going to be the mother a person needs. I've moved on, because I can't get from her what I need, so I get it myself, and I get it from other people. At first it was tough, but it's so peaceful not having to dread her phone calls and not have to put up with her whims and her tantrums.

I find it much easier to forgive her for what she is when I don't communicate with her. Why should I show someone that "I care" when she doesn't care about me? It took me a long long time to go through that process of having some sort of "civil communication." The problem is, I'm the only one that's civil!! lol

May you find peace in your own way. *hugs*

 

[Overcomer]

Runforthehills it sounds like you were writing the story of my mom and me. The constant illness, the favoritism between grandkids, disinherited me and made a big deal out of it, the threatening to sue for grandparents rights (P.S. in America Grandparents rights are not what she is claiming and most states dont have them at all-I called a lawyer when she threatened me), pulling every dish in the house out to rewash if even one dish had a spot and I couldnt touch the bottom of the sink, constantly watching my weight for me, accusing me of being a drug addict, her family wants nothing to do with her, her false accusations about my dad (tried to kill me and left because of me and cheated). Everything you just said sounded just like my mom. You have to let go. You have to get to a point you realize that you can't make other people choices for them. I know it hurts, I have siblings and nieces and nephews that made different choices than I did concerning her. I see her setting them up to be hurt and I ache for them. But I cant choose for them. It's so hard but they do get to choose, whether its choosing the wrong thing or not is up to them. I know you feel what a mamma bear feels but you have to let it go. It will eat you alive until you do. Plus she knows what you're feeling and it brings a smile to her face that she cant twist the knife in your gut with them. Your pain is bringing her pleasure so of course she is going to do whatever she can to cause you more. Its hard to let go and watch someone you care about walk down a path that will hurt them but you have to or it will eat you alive.

 

[Runforthehills]

I havent had an email or text since August now. Basically since I replied to her lawyer and said I wasn't complying with her requests (public apology for defamation of character....I posted it on my Facebook that she sent me a text taking me out of her will). Right now I think she is using the silent treatment think it will bother me...it's not. Quite honestly, she had my niece living with her so she is probably busy manipulating her mind. She is using my nephew to get to my sister and I. I am trying my best not to let that get under my skin.

Thankfully my children do not want a relationship with her. They miss my Dad, but he has made no contact with my kids in over a year...so they feel that too.

I think sending cards to show you care might just keep embers burning. Is your sister the golden child? When I was the golden child I use to say the same things to my sister. It doesn't matter if your send her the world....it won't change who she is or her thought processes. Its time to do what is best for YOU! If that means contact then so be it...if not then its your choice.

 

[Frazzled]

Mommie Dearest called me on December 23 and wanted to meet for Christmas. She said we can wait until next week if you want so I complied and suggested we wait to take the stress off of everyone and Christmas day. I don't believe that holidays are the time to work on problems. She exploded because I told her there were some things we needed to work on. She got nasty and hung up on me even though I was telling her the whole time that we would discuss it later and now wasn't the time. That only made her more angry. Now she has deleted me and my 15 year old son from facebook and has turned the only family member I had left against me. She states she has tried but honestly I haven't noticed any attempts on her part to make any of this better. She has gone to the entire family and mangled my credibility and my character. My father flip-flops when I see him from being pissed off and won't even look or talk to me and then acts like nothing is wrong. I am so completely confused and I feel like I am going crazy. My poor husband has to reassure me that these things really did happen and are still happening because she has hammered on my so much that I am starting to believe that I am crazy. Even if I beg her to stop doing these things she turns it around. I feel like damaged goods and she won't be happy unless she completely tears me apart. It seems to be getting so much worse, much more worse than I could have ever imagined and I am stunned that there are other people out there dealing with this as well. What happened to the instinct to protect from mother to child or father to child? Why is it there for some and not for others? Trying to find solace for a broken heart is rather difficult without wearing out your friends with all of my whining. I want to be happy again. I don't want her to effect me anymore. How do you move past this when it feels so all incompassing? Frazzled

 

[Overcomer]

The only thing that worked for me was complete and total No Contact. I tried to be nice and do the proper daughter thing but it didnt work. Not because I couldnt do it but because she couldnt do it. She couldnt be civil nor could she refrain from her jabs. She retaliated and hard but I just couldnt afford to pay the price she asked me to pay to be in her life any longer. I ended it all with her. Does she still try to contact me or send messages to me? You bet! Do I open letters or talk to people about her? Not so much. I smile to others and say "I havent heard from her" and leave it at that. I am no longer in touch with anyone she communicates with and refuse to be. I lost friends and even my relationship with my sister but it is worth it to me. It has been 8 years and I am getting the life she so desperately tried to steal from me. Understanding NPD has helped so much and finding this forum has been a life saver. Just knowing Im not alone is the best feeling in the world. I used to react when I would tell people that my mom was abusive or tell something that she did and they gave me "THE LOOK" but not so much any more. I wont lie for her. I dont volunteer what she did but I will answer honestly. I found that if I tried to cover it up or didnt tell the truth then I was protecting her and allowing her to get away with it. I now tell people when they ask about her the truth. My mom was abusive to me. It is so freeing to say it. To hear myself say it. I couldnt be here if I still had contact with her or her husband or my sister or any of the other people that chose to accept her actions. It was so worth walking away. I wish I had done it sooner.

 

[cleofet]

I am 58 and N Mother is 88 with Alzheimer?s with horrible delusions. She no longer fits the N profile but I still carry all the scars. I am the only one here so I am the caretaker even though she is in a nursing home. I don't want to do anything but I have accepted the role and so it is what it is. All the years that I tried to be peace maker in the family and to do the RIGHT THINGS as my mother thought they should be was prompted by the hope (unrealistic I know now) that she would actually love me some day. Well she no longer criticizes me or yells or makes me feel like a little unlovable child because of the sickness. Now I wish I could just back away. She is a shell now that has horrible delusions about dead babies and people trying to kill her. It is so sad to see this and not be able to calm here down. They are having a hard time finding the meds that will stop the delusions. I hate going to see her but I go maybe once a week. I never know what to say because she doesn't know where she is or what year it is , that my dad and brother are dead. I still have some feelings that I want her to hurt as much as she hurt me and my sister and brother but then I look at her and see this scared little person that was never happy and now is scared to death. I am trying to forgive my mother at this point in my life because I need the peace. She has no idea what is going on anymore but I remember everything. I pray for the grace to actually FORGIVE the past so I can have a present and a future. Thanks for reading this and God bless all of you. You all have been the only people that understand what it is we all go through.

 

[Frazzled]

I can see this happening in my future with my mother Cleofet. My sisters have similiar qualities that my mother has so it confuses me that they are able to get along as well as they do. It is a revolving door of disfunction. I have been cut out of the family in the last day or so because I just couldn't say the words myself. I know I should have taken the initiative and walked away but I just couldn't say the words because this is so unnatural to not have a relationship with your parents. I have been really struggling with this part Overcomer. I have guilt for not wanting to be around her and guilt for holding my ground. I have given myself today to grieve and I will pick myself up in the morning and try to start my life. I am just floored by how far she pushed this to get it to where it is and I have a hard time believing that my responses to her caused it to get here. She would jump to the worst case scenerio and then not understand why I am hurt. She has lied and then is shocked if I respond saying that is a lie. Every situation is set up to fail and the outcome is worse. I have cocooned myself and I am paralyzed to defend myself anymore. I am burning up the website today but really need reassurance. Thanks for your help.

 

[cleofet]

If I had all of this to do over again I would have cut off contact completely when I found out that her sickness had a name. My brother and sister seemed to get it long before I did and that is why I am the last one still here. If you are made to feel small and unimportant get out now!!!!! Don't let the guilt that they instilled in you stop the very thing that will save you life. I have never heard of a Narcissist changing themselves but I have hear to many times how they destroy their children. Save yourself and you family from further destruction. This is just my 2 cents but I do speak from experience.

 

[Overcomer]

Frazled, we think its unnatural to not have a relationship with our parents but we think nothing of walking away from bad friends or an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend. We watch movies all of the time about how women rise up and walk away from things that are detrimental to them. Just because everyone doesnt do it doesnt mean it cant be natural for you and in your life. Society adjusts all of the time and change what it feels is natural. The guilt you are feeling is from the brainwashing you were given when you were young, its not real guilt. Sort of like Munchhausen's Disease. Look around you. Life is different for other people. Your mother knew the day would come when you would question her, question her motives, question whether or not you wanted to accept her abuse. She prepared for this day even when you were tiny. She tried to prepare the answer you would make. Its called brainwashing. Hitler had NPD. Would anyone think it were unnatural to walk away from him? Just because she gave birth to you doesnt mean you owe her. That is something we are trained to believe. Its a LIE! The guilt you are feeling is false, its not true guilt, nor is it true loyalty. She trained you as a young girl to feel this. She destroyed your self-preservation. The longer you stay the harder it will be for you to leave. My sister, the golden child, told me many many times in my life that "love covers a multitude of sins" well, my mother did not love me. She told me so every year of my life. She wasnt capable of loving me. She is only capable of loving herself. You are staying in a relationship with someone that A)doesnt love you, B)is incapable of loving you, C)gets their pleasure from causing you pain, and D)tears you down so the rest of your life is affected also. She stays in control and able to hurt you more. Does that sound like someone you want in your life? What would you tell your daughter if they brought home a friend from school that was like that? Just because you are her daughter doesnt mean its ok. In fact shouldnt she feel some sort of bonding with you? She carried you in her stomach for 9 months and brought you home from the hospital and took care of you. Where is her maternal connection? You are relived from carrying the entire burden of the whole mess on your shoulders. Its not mean. Its self preservation. I want you to love yourself more than you love anything else. You have to live in your own head. You are the only one there when no one else is. Love yourself. Protect yourself.Treat yourself with honor and respect.

 

[Frazzled]

Thank you for your reassuring words. It does help me realize that this is real and happening. I feel that the reason that my extended family can't see it is because it seems so out of the norm, for lack of a better term. In her world, that she holds in an iron grip, is small and easily controlled by her and I broke the cardinal sin by bucking the system. I have given my word to the one family member that I have that I will not defend myself anymore and I won't give her any satisfaction or supply. The rest of the family is going to have to find the hard way that she is manipulating them and causing problems. She manipulates my father and the first thing he does is get on the phone and "defend his woman" to anyone that "hurts her feelings". She makes it look like that. Insanity. My dad's health is not good and I feel that withdrawing from him to keep her from using him as her enforcer, yet again, for lack of a better term, is the only way to relieve the stress on him. I love my father a great deal but I am also deeply hurt by him for thinking I would be capable of doing the things she's accusing me of. He is very blinded to her but he is also aware that she has lied at crucial moments simply because she did it in front of him. Right now, I take it day to day. It is so very painful but since I have become resigned to it, I feel a little better every day. I know she doesn't love me and I can't make her love me but I have a wonderful husband, son and his parents, of which have been very supportive. They have known my parents for years and have said that this behavior was exhibited before I was born. Thanks for the support. I do feel better that I am not the only one but also feel pain for the same reason. I couldn't inflict this kind of pain on anyone. I hope my story can also help someone. Thanks again. I'm sure I will be on here again soon.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey Frazzled, I know what you mean. My dad thinks my mom is pure gold. His world revolves around her: she spins so fast that I think it makes him dizzy. She's got him completely brainwashed. And he doesn't have a clue he's enabling her.

By the way, it's way harder for people outside the family nucleus to "see" what you see. Not only that, but if this dynamic is "normal" in one or both sides of the family, they won't see anything wrong either. The majority of the family might think that to keep the peace they should just keep their mouths shut, or put up with things they normally wouldn't, or are too afraid to stand up for themselves. But keeping that kind of "peace" isn't healthy. Trust me! lol What I'm trying to say here, is that the whole family may have several people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (although I would check with a therapist before coming to that conclusion on your own: it's not healthy to self-diagnose or try to diagnose people unless you truly have the training)... So if there are one or two Narcissistic personalities (unhealthy Ns, not healthy) and several others who enable/are blind to it, do you see how things can just keep going? It's a big cycle. Until you break it.

When you try to be normal and put down your boundaries, and stick up for yourself, and avoid being pulled into the drama, everyone's head explodes. To them this "normal" is crazy! lol It's like your family is a whole new species, and have their own belief system, and see the world so much differently from everyone else that when they are presented with the fact that you don't believe them anymore and you're aware of their games and you won't enable them anymore, it's a threat to them. So they will sometimes behave even worse, and their terrible behaviour might kick into high gear. Sometimes it's a good idea to be prepared to distance yourself either figuratively or literally. I've gone "No Contact" and others keep a long distance relationship. Others will limit exposure, others will never let their children stay unsupervised with certain family members... There's different ways of coping with the problem.

It's hard to eventually come to the conclusion that the person will not change. It's like grieving for a dead spouse or parent, but more accurately it's grieving the spouse/parent you never had in the first place. I'm more at peace these days. I stopped all contact (except the occasional hate mail I receive in my mailbox and send back unopened)... I blocked email, Facebook, phone... I'm no longer going in and getting beat up and then going back to "my corner" and healing up and then getting back into the fray again.

That's like me jumping in front of traffic, getting put into a body cast and healing up, and then jumping in front of traffic again!

 

[Frazzled]

Exactly. Her head did explode when I said no more. She went completely off her rocker and that was when she said "she was going to let me go so she could have peace". She also "defriended" me and my son on facebook. I have blocked her from facebook as well as my sisters to prevent any additional fallout. I expected that but my son was hurt by her. I wanted to protect him from that but realized that would cause him to think she was going to be there for him when obviously she is not capable. Being a grandparent isn't a right, it's a priviledge and she is losing her privilege. He's a great kid and has been incredibly protective of me throughout this whole process. He is old enough at 15 to know when things are not right with the family and we have chosen not to hide things from him. He is intelligent and has had to learn at an early age how to read personality types and how to avoid them. She has the audacity to say she tried to have a relationship with him and he won't try with her but the last couple of times contact was initiated it was by my son and not her. You also can't have a relationship with your grandson through text message. There have been so many things that happened I was afraid I would crash the site with my long, long story. You are right, it is like throwing yourself into traffic or trying to make yourself put your hand on a hot stove. You know it will be painful and you have a hard time making yourself do it anymore. It makes your head spin!