Going into a really dark place....Warning this post aint pretty

[Cavi]

Last night I set the camcorder up to video my dog and I doing his obedience commands and tricks....I was ok while doing it b/c it didn't dawn on me that when I watched the video that I would see myself...

I put the DVD in my p.c. and I took one look at myself (I usually avoid mirrors)
and a tremendous amount of anxiety hit me...I felt like I was looking at something (me) that was totally horrific looking...I thought OMG I am so fat!...
I wear a size 6 jeans and a small blouse is to big on me...I was down to a size 4 jeans and they were to big on me but when I was bingeing I gained some weight...

I thought, how can someone stand to look at me...I thought Roger (my brother) was so right when he use to hold me down as a kid and tell me I was so ugly that it made him want to puke and he would act like he was vommitting and than he would spit in my face...

I ended up bingeing BAD...I went to bed and started having flashbacks and started repeating the mockingbird song (my T wants to know what the relevance of that song is) and I fell asleep...I always run 5 miles every morning and for awhile I was running 5 miles twice a day...But I have osteoarthritis in my spine and hips and running twice a day was killing me...

This a.m. I don't want to go out and run, I don't want to be running down the street and repulse people...I don't want to go to therapy Fri. (my usual day is Thursday but her secretary messed up scheduling when I requested an extra appt.) I keep thinking how can my T stand to look at me let alone be in the same room with me....

I am crying as I type and my dog is in his crate and he's in there crying and having a fit b/c he can't get to me and he knows I'm crying...

I want to rip myself apart {{Edit: deleted specific}} and the last time I cut, I cut {{Edit: a lot of times }}...Yesterday in session I was telling my T how well Tanner was doing with his training and she asked if I did his training all on my own and I said yes...Today, I am thinking Ohhhhhhh the big fat ugly girl was bragging about something she did, what a narcissist!...Aint that true that narcissm goes with Borderline??????????????????????????????????????????????

I fought my way back from Agoraphobia that I had for years shut up you stupid brat your bragging again.................I never want to walk out the door again.............................................................Now I know why I'm not use to safe touch, who would want to touch something like me..........RIMH

 

[Halo]

RIMH,

I first want to say that I can relate to parts of what you posted. I know that when I look in the mirror (which is not often as I avoid them as well) that I often do not see what others see. I have come to realize that my vision of myself is not what reality is. I had the same thoughts that you did thinking that people would be repulsed and disgusted by me but I have realized that it was not true and it was my distorted thinking of myself that created this image. I still struggle with believing that others will like me or not find me repulsive or digusting but that is what therapy is helpful for and especially CBT with a good psych to challenge those distorted thoughts.

Anyway, I am sure that no one is repulsed by you especially your therapist. I am sure that she sees someone who is struggling with issues of body image and would love nothing more than to help you in this area. She is not there to judge you based on your appearance but to help you become accepting of who you are just as you are.

As for your comment that you are narcissist because of doing the dog training yourself and for overcoming your Agoraphobia , I don't see that as being narcissist at al. I see that as a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of and take credit for. Those are not easy things to accomplish in life and in my opinion they do not represent to me someone that is narcissitic. You have every right to be proud and express your satisfaction with yourself. I am proud of you.

Take care

 

[Cat Dancer]

I am so sorry that you are struggling and hurting so much.

I can relate to many of the things you said, being so down on yourself and so harsh with yourself.

Have you ever read this thread?:

The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

I read this over and over sometimes and realize that I do most all of those at one time or another, but I am starting to be able to catch myself, stop myself and look at things more objectively.

It's hard though.

This article might also be helpful. It tells how you can turn things around with your thinking.

What are Cognitive Distortions?

It really is a lot of hard work to change the things we believe about ourselves, the hurtful things others have told us, especially when those things seem SO real. But they're really not real. You're not any of those horrible things you think you are.

Sometimes it is helpful for me to say to myself, "I have had a rough time. I've made some mistakes. I've had some hard things happen to me, but I'm doing the best I can for this moment. The very best I can."

:hug:

 

[Cavi]

thanks for trying to help...everytime I read the 10 forms of twisted thinking, I realize all over again how warped I really am...Just want to thank everyone who has tried to help, but I've realized your wastiing your time, I am wasting my T's time...................................................................RIMH

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No, RIMH.

You are NOT wasting our time. You are NOT wasting your therapist's time. And most importantly you are NOT wasting YOUR time.

Learning anything, especially when it involves unlearning old maladaptive or ineffective habits, is difficult and takes time - and frequently means lapses and reminders. None of that is wasting time.

 

[Into The Light]

You are not wasting anybody's time, RIMH. We are here to listen to you and support you, and so is your therapist. Things can change for you, it takes a lot of very hard work, and getting up and trying again every time you slip. But it CAN be done.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Rimh, I apologize for posting the cognitive distortions. I did not mean to cause you to feel worse. :hug:

I have very twisted, warped thinking too and I'm working very hard to change it. It is hard and slow, but I have hope.

You aren't wasting our time. We want to listen to you and be here for you.

 

[ThatLady]

You're not wasting anyone's time, RIMH. Those of us who come here do so of our own will. We give help and we receive help. It's an exchange between human beings - a caring exchange. That's never a waste of time.

Your therapist is a therapist because that was his/her choice of career. It's not a career one would choose if one didn't care for people, and care to be a part of making things better for people. So, if someone cares and wishes to be a part of bringing good things to life, their time is anything but wasted on those they counsel.

 

[momof5]

I can relate to how you are feeling. I remember when I was going through this at 13. My back looked like an xylaphone. And I thought that I was fat. I know now that I wasn't.

Just try to remember that no matter what anybody said to bring you down when you were little, You are still special.

I believe that we are all special people. We all have things that we can give to each other. Only those who care can do this. And look at all that come in here for help and guidance and have people who reach out to them.

It is done beause they need to see how special they are inside and out.

You aren't wasting anyone's time in letting us or your therapist know how you feel. As TL stated, your thearpist chose to be one because of the caring feelings that this person has for other people. Therapists care and try to get us to see us for who we are inside and out.

Going through what you are isnt' easy. I have been there, and understand. Just try to think of the future health issues that this is going to bring on. Heart problems etc...

Just remember, You Are special!