Grief, cognitive distortions, and CBT after a breakup

[paulhere]

Hello everyone. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

My current situation is that I have gone into a severe depressive episode after a breakup.

I have a basic understanding of CBT and am working through Burn's material.

In the past it seems like I was attempting to implement at least part of CBT theory by writing out the thought that was causing me sadness and trying to find flaws and rewrite a positive adjusted thought. I became frustrated because if I did find any mood improvement it was short lived only to return to the same original thought and feeling.

Perhaps it is fairly typical to frequently be obsessing about the ex and the relationship. My questions are:

a) What is suggested for repeatedly having the same negative thought even after correction attempts. Do I just keep going and writing it out again and again and have faith that it will help me?

b) What place if any does attempting to shutdown the recurring thoughts have?


Thanks!

 

[paulhere]

Listing thoughts, sequential or one at a time?

Any suggestions on whether or not there is a difference/benefit between:

a) List each thought, assess and correct

b) List all of the thoughts first then go back and assess and correct

And eitherway if it makes any difference if the thoughts are around one specific area or not (ie. relationship breakup.)


Thanks!

---------- Post added at 12:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:31 PM ----------

Further to the question, with respect to my current situation there are maybe 20 thoughts that are all part of the same main thought.

 

[paulhere]

Is missing something that was unhealthy a cognitive error in itself?

I am going through a breakup and am in a severe reactive depressive episode. My goal is to come out of the depression and to learn to experience sadness "normally" and move on.

I am unsure of whether the thought that "I miss her" is a cognitive distortion in itself or if it even matters. I don't know if I am on the right path here. Any suggestions appreciated. Here is my effort so far:

Feeling: Depressed

Thought: I miss her

Distortion: ???

Corrected thoughts:
During the majority of the relationship, I felt used and I allowed myself to be abused physically and emotionally when I was with her and myself acted in ways that are not healthy. I do not really miss her, it is something else that I miss. What I miss is the small amount of intimacy that there was and can use CBT to work through issues surrounding this sense of need.


Thanks for any input!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Is missing something that was unhealthy a cognitive error in itself?

That looks about right. The error is in looking at only one side of the issue, emphasizing the positives and ignoring the negatives (although in depression the error is usually the other way around, emphasizing the negatives).

 

[paulhere]

Attempt to dismiss cognitions vs. work through

Alright maybe this will be my last plea for help today.

Thank you Dr. B for replying on the last thread. I'm not sure if I should have continued it or started this new one.

I have obsessive thoughts around a breakup that depress me. The question is whether or not to work through each one of these garbage/tangled thoughts (which I see are apparently common,) many of which have the same errors (and mostly based on jealousy and the error that my wellbeing depends on her) OR attempt to shutdown/dismiss these as spawning from the main thought of "I miss her" and deal exclusively with that.

Garbage examples: she seems to have moved on really quickly, she mustn't have cared at all, it's not fair that this is easier for her, she might be having sex with someone else already, she hasn't tried to contact me, she did xyz to me, she might rebound with someone else, I will fall apart if I run into her, she doesn't need me and I need her to, she is probably happy, etc. etc. ad nauseum

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Listing thoughts, sequential or one at a time?

Any suggestions on whether or not there is a difference/benefit between:

a) List each thought, assess and correct

b) List all of the thoughts first then go back and assess and correct

And eitherway if it makes any difference if the thoughts are around one specific area or not (ie. relationship breakup.)

Further to the question, with respect to my current situation there are maybe 20 thoughts that are all part of the same main thought.

I would say whatever is easiest for you. I don't think it's critical how you do mood logs as long as you do them.

If they are all linked together, you might find it easier to write them all down and look for commonalities in the cognitive distortions.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hello everyone. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

My current situation is that I have gone into a severe depressive episode after a breakup.

I have a basic understanding of CBT and am working through Burn's material.

In the past it seems like I was attempting to implement at least part of CBT theory by writing out the thought that was causing me sadness and trying to find flaws and rewrite a positive adjusted thought. I became frustrated because if I did find any mood improvement it was short lived only to return to the same original thought and feeling.

Perhaps it is fairly typical to frequently be obsessing about the ex and the relationship. My questions are:

a) What is suggested for repeatedly having the same negative thought even after correction attempts. Do I just keep going and writing it out again and again and have faith that it will help me?

In a word, yes. In the beginning, it does not even matter if you believe the cognitive counters, as long as you can identify the distoritions and the counters to each distortion. "Fake it 'til you make it" applies here. In time, your belief in the counters will become stronger than your belief in the distortions.

b) What place if any does attempting to shutdown the recurring thoughts have?

Thought-stopping may help. Or it may not, Give it a try. If you find the intrusive thoughts returning frequently, you may have more success by accepting them as part anxious worrying and part grief, identifying them as such, and trying to let the thoughts flow through or past you, rather than fighting them away. Sometimes, attempting to fight them can create more anxiety. Experiement and go with what works best for you.

 

[Daniel E.]

What place if any does attempting to shutdown the recurring thoughts have?

BTW:

psychlinks.ca "white bear" - Google Search

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Listing thoughts, sequential or one at a time?

I've combined your threads into one, Paul, since they are all about the same problem or issue.

 

[paulhere]

Re: Listing thoughts, sequential or one at a time?

I've combined your threads into one, Paul, since they are all about the same problem or issue.

Thanks Dr. B for providing your answers and for combining my threads (I thought I might have been taking up too much topic space!)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Listing thoughts, sequential or one at a time?

Thanks Dr. B for providing your answers and for combining my threads (I thought I might have been taking up too much topic space!)

It's not the topic space. It's the increased probability of getting responses to your questions when they're divided into different threads.