BluMac81
Member
(please excuse the excessive length and amount of typos, it was late)
I figure I should talk about some of the things going on right now. Depression is getting worse, faster than what it was before. I know feel it physically, I'm agitated, anxious, my body aches, digestion doesnt work right and everything. Why? Because I'm stressed, I'm depressed. Hmm, you might think that hey, why am I stressed, I don't work and only go to school with 2 classes.
Well it's because of the big change coming up, and whether it will work or not. I'm gonna live in a house with a roommate (first time since I was 18 I did that), gonna do a part time job and go to school full time. Of course moving to Colorado Springs so that's huge. But it's beyond the stress now. Hopelessness and darkness are rising up within me. I try to motivate myself day by day to get the things done that I need to get done, but I always slip into laziness and withdrawl. It's frustrating trying to motivate yourself! I'm so sick of myself.
I've been finding that I think about death and suicide alot more now, because it's becoming real to me. Some guy I know told me a few weeks ago "If you continue with how you are right now, you're going to kill yourself within 2 years". At first I shrugged it off... "no way!" I said, no way I could do that to my family. But i'm starting to hate myself so much that the desire is overwhelming me to grab the blade and end it. My sorry feeds on my hate, and hate feeds on my sorrow. A cycle like everything else. I've been abusing one of my cats lately, she ****************ed me off alot in the past and now i'm taking out my anger on her. Nothing serious, more like rough wrestling, but it's got me worried, I need to stop that. My mental state is deteriorating rapidly. I went to church again with my sister on Easter... though I offically claim that I returned to Christianty, my doubts about it are still overwhelming me, and the fact is, I don't believe in my heart. I want to believe. But I can't. "God put the stars in the sky AFTER he made the earth?" So he made the earth before he made the sun for it to revolve around. With oceans and everything. Astronomically that's impossible. Numerous other things I disagree with in Christianity, not to mention that going to church is absolutely horribly boring and difficult for me. Why is it like that for me but people like my sister love it, get so much out of it?
Why am I so terribly different from my grandparents? They seemed so happy and conventional. Here I am, at 26, lost, hopeless, no hope for the future, single, socially crippled... I masturbate, abuse my cat, self-harm, constantly think about suicide. Why am I this way? Was I born this way for a reason? (determinism) Was I born this way to fulfill some purpose? More importantly, is it MY FAULT that I am this way. I feel that it is, and that what most disturbs me.
It's my fault i'm socially anxious because growing up I chose to isolate myself. Sure I was shy, but I didnt fight it, I didnt overcome it. I craved solitude more than anything else. And this solitude has become my demise. Having spent little or no time socializing with people (outside of my family) all while growing up. Save very few friends (and of course I only had friends who I thought I was better than, in some way), I was alone. Alone as a child, alone as an adult. And in that, that is the reason why every time I step out of my apartment (my sancuary), I feel a shock of anxiety rip through my body. And it's there always. When people look at me, I almost want to cover my face so they couldnt see me, or at least not see my eyes. Why is that? Why do I do that? Then panic occurred.
Panic about not being able to sleep. That is the worst pain. I can't even talk about it right now fearing as it will trigger another episode. So I'll skip that. Only thing I will say is that, if I was ever to kill myself, it would be in one of those panic states (usually last 1 day, or until I sleep). But depression, that's been the most recent detriment. Maybe a reason why I have so much of a difficult time in motivating myself is that I become depressed and want to withdrawl in my sanctuary in my 'default' state. Where it's safe.
Depression, is that my fault? I still don't completely believe that depression is inhiently biology. Like it's a disease that should be treated the same way as heart disease. What can I even do about it. I try to break the cycle. That cycle of depression at home so i don't go out, so i get more anxious because of lack of human contact, so i don't go more, so i become depressed, etc. How can I break this cycle. Is it really my fault? I feel it is. Some people say that it's no more my fault i have depression that it is someone diebetes. But I can see triggering factors that would contribute to my illness.
And when it all comes down to it, it's about character. Do you have the courage, the strength, the discipline, to break the cycle and change your desinty. How now. More and more I spend trying to find 'easy good feelings'. Like me doing some tobacco dip, some relaxation sensations come from that, and i usually do it while playing a video game. But what a bad habit, bad for the gums. Then alchohol... I can always count on alchohol, when enough is drank, to make me temporarily happy. To temporarily forgot about my very serious worries. I get in a state where all the matters is drinkin more and havin more fun (usually playing games, chatting, watching tv/ youtube videos.... as is my most anti-social behavior.
You know whats sad, a girl on the personals asked me the other day "what are your hobbies", and I said stuff like tennis, guitar playing etc. etc. but if she were to ask what are your top 5 things that i do for fun that make up the most of my time. It would be internet, internet, internet. Internet is my life, because here no one can see me. No one can judge me. I control the warmth or temperature of my apartment, i control when and what food i can eat, i control all of that. But once I leave the place, i lose that control. It's gone.
So now i'm faced with a full day of going out to Colorado Springs, the first effort of many to establish for myself a new and better lifestyle. A lifestyle lived in hope. But in the back of my mind, that evil demon is telling me "you're gonna fail, it's gonna be the same, there is no chance of happiness for you ever"... I hope it's wrong. I have NOT been living up till now. Never went to my high school prom, never had sex, rarely went to big events, never experienced a true friend. While we're at it, never experienced happiness. I lay here now. On much recliner. It's 12:30 am so I should get (back) to bed soon. Cause I need to up at about 9, so I can leave by 10:30.
I pray more than ever that on this trip tommorow something will give me hope. Something will restore my faith. For now, I mist admit at this time, hope is lost. The overwhelming flood of thoughts that hit my mind when my head hits the pillow are alarming. I think of mass murder, different ways of killing myself, honorable death (sacrifice), etc. I think these thoughts every night when I go to bed. And I sleep okay, don't have dreams at all similiar to my concious thought.
What is disturbing is that i'm starting to see why people turn to darkness. Why my father drank himself to death in alchohol... it was as though, he HAD lost hope. I believe it was a suicide, a slow suicide over time, but I believe that internally he lost hope. He too struggle to find happiness, and failed. Life sucks, it's a plain fact. But life sucks worse when you are born into circumstances that make your life even worse. Physically I was born into an okay situation, a family who loves me, a (fairly) healthy body, a (fairly) attractive appearance.. but it's mental that's messed up. And in my opinion, be wired this way from birth is just as bad as being blind from birth, it's a different kind of suffering. I just want things to change, and soon. I slipping so quickly into the darkness and I fear that no one is here to save me. What I want? I want that new life in Colorado Springs, learning new things at the college while pursuing my degree in Biology, living with someone in a house (both new to me), doing a new job (P/t), getting active in the community in joining fencing, tennis, and racquetball league, karate, finding that on true woman out there, who loves me for me, and I love her for her, someone in the union of marriage I will never again be alone. I see this me. Intellectually stimulated through college coursework, romantically stimulated through aggressive dating, creatively stimulated by continuing my guitar, piano, and youtube video making. I see this (very busy) me, happy, healthy, confident.
If I need to go to CBT therapy that's fine. But WOW, am I ever experienced in the fields of mental illness. I want to help others suffering from this. Because I do believe that the psycological mind can experience suffering on the same level and physical body. It's obvious that if an illness potentially leads to death, it is a very serious illness. Depression leads to suicide, just as heard disease leads to heart failure. But depression is treated differently because it's more seen that it's a disease that could have been avoided if certain measures had been taken. But in a way, the same can be said for those with heart disease. If they had taken better care of their bodies, their heart wouldnt fail. I guess we need to take care of our minds just as much as the body. And how do we do that? Socialize. Express your feelings. Don't keep them bottled up. Be around people more. Hmm, that seem so difficult to someone with social anxiety, but it is what must be done for that cycle to be broken, What is happiness? How do I achieve it. Is there no happiness?
I figure I should talk about some of the things going on right now. Depression is getting worse, faster than what it was before. I know feel it physically, I'm agitated, anxious, my body aches, digestion doesnt work right and everything. Why? Because I'm stressed, I'm depressed. Hmm, you might think that hey, why am I stressed, I don't work and only go to school with 2 classes.
Well it's because of the big change coming up, and whether it will work or not. I'm gonna live in a house with a roommate (first time since I was 18 I did that), gonna do a part time job and go to school full time. Of course moving to Colorado Springs so that's huge. But it's beyond the stress now. Hopelessness and darkness are rising up within me. I try to motivate myself day by day to get the things done that I need to get done, but I always slip into laziness and withdrawl. It's frustrating trying to motivate yourself! I'm so sick of myself.
I've been finding that I think about death and suicide alot more now, because it's becoming real to me. Some guy I know told me a few weeks ago "If you continue with how you are right now, you're going to kill yourself within 2 years". At first I shrugged it off... "no way!" I said, no way I could do that to my family. But i'm starting to hate myself so much that the desire is overwhelming me to grab the blade and end it. My sorry feeds on my hate, and hate feeds on my sorrow. A cycle like everything else. I've been abusing one of my cats lately, she ****************ed me off alot in the past and now i'm taking out my anger on her. Nothing serious, more like rough wrestling, but it's got me worried, I need to stop that. My mental state is deteriorating rapidly. I went to church again with my sister on Easter... though I offically claim that I returned to Christianty, my doubts about it are still overwhelming me, and the fact is, I don't believe in my heart. I want to believe. But I can't. "God put the stars in the sky AFTER he made the earth?" So he made the earth before he made the sun for it to revolve around. With oceans and everything. Astronomically that's impossible. Numerous other things I disagree with in Christianity, not to mention that going to church is absolutely horribly boring and difficult for me. Why is it like that for me but people like my sister love it, get so much out of it?
Why am I so terribly different from my grandparents? They seemed so happy and conventional. Here I am, at 26, lost, hopeless, no hope for the future, single, socially crippled... I masturbate, abuse my cat, self-harm, constantly think about suicide. Why am I this way? Was I born this way for a reason? (determinism) Was I born this way to fulfill some purpose? More importantly, is it MY FAULT that I am this way. I feel that it is, and that what most disturbs me.
It's my fault i'm socially anxious because growing up I chose to isolate myself. Sure I was shy, but I didnt fight it, I didnt overcome it. I craved solitude more than anything else. And this solitude has become my demise. Having spent little or no time socializing with people (outside of my family) all while growing up. Save very few friends (and of course I only had friends who I thought I was better than, in some way), I was alone. Alone as a child, alone as an adult. And in that, that is the reason why every time I step out of my apartment (my sancuary), I feel a shock of anxiety rip through my body. And it's there always. When people look at me, I almost want to cover my face so they couldnt see me, or at least not see my eyes. Why is that? Why do I do that? Then panic occurred.
Panic about not being able to sleep. That is the worst pain. I can't even talk about it right now fearing as it will trigger another episode. So I'll skip that. Only thing I will say is that, if I was ever to kill myself, it would be in one of those panic states (usually last 1 day, or until I sleep). But depression, that's been the most recent detriment. Maybe a reason why I have so much of a difficult time in motivating myself is that I become depressed and want to withdrawl in my sanctuary in my 'default' state. Where it's safe.
Depression, is that my fault? I still don't completely believe that depression is inhiently biology. Like it's a disease that should be treated the same way as heart disease. What can I even do about it. I try to break the cycle. That cycle of depression at home so i don't go out, so i get more anxious because of lack of human contact, so i don't go more, so i become depressed, etc. How can I break this cycle. Is it really my fault? I feel it is. Some people say that it's no more my fault i have depression that it is someone diebetes. But I can see triggering factors that would contribute to my illness.
And when it all comes down to it, it's about character. Do you have the courage, the strength, the discipline, to break the cycle and change your desinty. How now. More and more I spend trying to find 'easy good feelings'. Like me doing some tobacco dip, some relaxation sensations come from that, and i usually do it while playing a video game. But what a bad habit, bad for the gums. Then alchohol... I can always count on alchohol, when enough is drank, to make me temporarily happy. To temporarily forgot about my very serious worries. I get in a state where all the matters is drinkin more and havin more fun (usually playing games, chatting, watching tv/ youtube videos.... as is my most anti-social behavior.
You know whats sad, a girl on the personals asked me the other day "what are your hobbies", and I said stuff like tennis, guitar playing etc. etc. but if she were to ask what are your top 5 things that i do for fun that make up the most of my time. It would be internet, internet, internet. Internet is my life, because here no one can see me. No one can judge me. I control the warmth or temperature of my apartment, i control when and what food i can eat, i control all of that. But once I leave the place, i lose that control. It's gone.
So now i'm faced with a full day of going out to Colorado Springs, the first effort of many to establish for myself a new and better lifestyle. A lifestyle lived in hope. But in the back of my mind, that evil demon is telling me "you're gonna fail, it's gonna be the same, there is no chance of happiness for you ever"... I hope it's wrong. I have NOT been living up till now. Never went to my high school prom, never had sex, rarely went to big events, never experienced a true friend. While we're at it, never experienced happiness. I lay here now. On much recliner. It's 12:30 am so I should get (back) to bed soon. Cause I need to up at about 9, so I can leave by 10:30.
I pray more than ever that on this trip tommorow something will give me hope. Something will restore my faith. For now, I mist admit at this time, hope is lost. The overwhelming flood of thoughts that hit my mind when my head hits the pillow are alarming. I think of mass murder, different ways of killing myself, honorable death (sacrifice), etc. I think these thoughts every night when I go to bed. And I sleep okay, don't have dreams at all similiar to my concious thought.
What is disturbing is that i'm starting to see why people turn to darkness. Why my father drank himself to death in alchohol... it was as though, he HAD lost hope. I believe it was a suicide, a slow suicide over time, but I believe that internally he lost hope. He too struggle to find happiness, and failed. Life sucks, it's a plain fact. But life sucks worse when you are born into circumstances that make your life even worse. Physically I was born into an okay situation, a family who loves me, a (fairly) healthy body, a (fairly) attractive appearance.. but it's mental that's messed up. And in my opinion, be wired this way from birth is just as bad as being blind from birth, it's a different kind of suffering. I just want things to change, and soon. I slipping so quickly into the darkness and I fear that no one is here to save me. What I want? I want that new life in Colorado Springs, learning new things at the college while pursuing my degree in Biology, living with someone in a house (both new to me), doing a new job (P/t), getting active in the community in joining fencing, tennis, and racquetball league, karate, finding that on true woman out there, who loves me for me, and I love her for her, someone in the union of marriage I will never again be alone. I see this me. Intellectually stimulated through college coursework, romantically stimulated through aggressive dating, creatively stimulated by continuing my guitar, piano, and youtube video making. I see this (very busy) me, happy, healthy, confident.
If I need to go to CBT therapy that's fine. But WOW, am I ever experienced in the fields of mental illness. I want to help others suffering from this. Because I do believe that the psycological mind can experience suffering on the same level and physical body. It's obvious that if an illness potentially leads to death, it is a very serious illness. Depression leads to suicide, just as heard disease leads to heart failure. But depression is treated differently because it's more seen that it's a disease that could have been avoided if certain measures had been taken. But in a way, the same can be said for those with heart disease. If they had taken better care of their bodies, their heart wouldnt fail. I guess we need to take care of our minds just as much as the body. And how do we do that? Socialize. Express your feelings. Don't keep them bottled up. Be around people more. Hmm, that seem so difficult to someone with social anxiety, but it is what must be done for that cycle to be broken, What is happiness? How do I achieve it. Is there no happiness?
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