Habitual, desensitised-obsessive, or valid thoughts?

[gooblax]

I can't tell. I generally don't feel anything towards or against them. Some walkthroughs and logistics prep, but as a "for reference when I decide" basis rather than stemming from an actual decision.

It feels like too big of a step to try and take personal responsibility for it when I can't even narrow down what "it" is. Whether I'm just being overly dramatic about what is actually, legitimately nothing. Because other than this, there's nothing pressing or urgent. No real problem to avoid, nothing other than what I thought I was already ok with; I can't even be sure it's related to that. I can't verify their legitimacy. Is it just that this is the only way I have of bringing an issue to my attention, even though on examination, there is no issue? It doesn't make sense. I'm not feeling sad or depressed, I still get **** done, and rarely do I have any more than a baseline level of anxiety unless it's situational which are obviously isolated cases and need to be dealt with as such, even if they spur the thoughts on independently.

I don't expect this to make sense. I obviously can't explain it adequately even to myself and since it doesn't seem to fit anyone's expectations of cause and effect, I can't even hope to get my point out by gesturing about like an ape.

Perhaps just simple thought redirection will do it as long as I stick with that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are you talking about repetitive thoughts of suicide when you don't actually feel suicidal?

 

[gooblax]

Right now, I feel far more like wanting to hurt myself than like dying, but my focus is on lethal methods of achieving that.

Occasionally I feel suicidal in passing - usually in response to a specific trigger or what I can only perceive as a rise in baseline anxiety that I don't think I can handle
Sometimes ambivalent - until thinking about it leads to wanting to get it over and done with
Sometimes like it's an inevitably, not a choice - like it's the way it's going to be eventually, whether the first or second points in this list win or I just decide that the world and I have offered each other all we can and it's monotony from then on out

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't recall your diagnoses - sorry - but certain conditions or disorders are often accompanied by frequent quasi suicidal thoughts. They seem to represent more a wish to end distress than to end life but for some people the thoughts have an OCD quality where they just keep popping up unrelated to anything else - obsessively


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[gooblax]

When I was seeing a psychologist, he suggested (rather than diagnosed) social anxiety with depressive thoughts.It had been a reasonably long while since I had last thought about it to this level and frequency so I guess I just need to find the right switch to turn it back off.

 

[MHealthJo]

You are on the right track there Gooblax.

I want to add too that since sometimes there can possibly some sort of OCDish element to the thoughts - just keep in mind that general unrelated stress (or changes or life marching on... who knows, perhaps we can carry stress unconsciously) - can increase those types of thoughts. Also good to know is: people who have some of those elements often find that those types of thoughts may always be 'on the radar' to some degree, and they learn ways to kind of 'allow' them and kinda just coexist with them, once they learn how to experience the thoughts as more of a 'neutral' exerience than an unpleasant experience. They can get to a stage where the thought just comes; you notice it; you don't necessarily have pain or concern associated with it. It's just kinda 'there'. And as mentioned - they do find that those thoughts will be 'there' less or more based on what other stress or events are happening.

I guess you could always experiment with some new activity or something that's supposed to be relaxing, fun, or de-stressing - see whether you can come across something that seems to have a diminishing effect on the level or frequency of the thoughts.