Habitually late daughter. What to do?

[teacupmama]

My daughter age 14 goes to charter school... in class 3 days at home 2 days...She and I are close and have fun and laugh together..For this I can be thankful....But this being late is pushing my buttons big time...I met with her teacher who informed me that now this is affecting her overall grade/college transcript etc..Learning comes easy for her and she doesn't struggle in school like I did as a teenager. She is pretty..voted the one with the prettiest eyes mg:she is well liked and she has straight As in all classed but one...Her 1st period class which is PE. He told me if she can get there on time the rest of the year she can bring her grade up to an A. It is an easy A as all she has to do is show up on time and turn in her logs for exercise she does at home... He said it doesn't matter that she gets and A in algebra and a C in PE as The C will bring her grade point average down. I am going nuts. I have tried offering a reward for bringing up her grade or a punishment for the late behavior but she has an "oh well don't worry be happy" attitude. she tells me Don't stress Mom. And I am at the boiling..Her lateness has affected me in other ways too as I have missed important meetings myself as I am in car ready to go and she is spending too much time primping...We have tried getting up earlier setting her alarm but she uses all the time and still late..I have her select her clothes out the night before still she moves slow and dances and goofs off and primps etc. I am glad she is happy and not a troubled teen but this is getting out of hand. I also tried the oh well its your grade not mine attitude but she sees though that...what to do?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Habitually late daughter.What to do?

What you need to do is to back off a little bit and let her and her teachers handle the situation. There are natural consequences, whatever she does or doesn't do regarding attendance or tardiness, so this is an issue you need not be involved in at all.

It IS her grade and not yours. But you are stressing over imagined catastrophic consequences stretching way into the future about what will become of her if she doesn'r get to gym class on time. She's 14 years old,. She knows full well, as do all her classmates, that as long as she doesn't fall behind her grades right now really don't matter in the long run. When it comes to applying to college or university, the only thing they'll be looking at is the last year of high school and possibly the last 2 years, depending on when she applies. She is doing well in most of her classes and still managing not to get overly stressed by it. Seriously, there are many parents who would say,. "What on earth are you worrying about? I wish my child were doing that well!".

Adolescence is a time when teens need to learn about independence, responsibility, and about making good decisions and bad decisions. How do any of us learn how to make good decisions? We make a few bad ones, expereince the consequences, and learn from our mistakes. The only time you need to intervene is if it's a case of something life-threatening or threats to health and well-being.

She is going to be fine. Let her know that you know that and then back off and relax. You'll be happier, she'll be hapier, and your relationship with her will bhenefit immensely.

See my article: Transitioning With Teens: Letting Go and Staying Connected | Psychlinks.ca

 

[Dragonfly]

I also tried the oh well its your grade not mine attitude but she sees though that...what to do?

ummm .... teacupmama - could it be that the reason that your daughter "... sees through that...." is because your attitude is not genuine? You said that you and your daughter are close - she is probably as good at reading you, as you are at reading her. So, you don't really mean what you are saying, and she knows it.

Here's the thing - In my opinion, Dr. Baxter is completely right. You have raised your daughter in a way such that she is able to decide what and where she will function at a high level. How many of us do that at work? We choose to deliver whatever on time, but refuse to (say) wear a name tag. And we accept the consequences. But you may argue that your daughter is "only" 14, and how can she know or appreciate the consequences? You are absolutely right. All the more reasons to allow her to figure it out now - when she is 14, and the issue is attendance at PE. And not, say, when she is 27 and the issue is attendance at crucial meetings at work.

I still depend heavily on: loveandlogic.com

Its not for everyone and every family by any means. I just found it extremely helpful when I needed to let go of (say) the homework issue. In short, my son decided to test my integrity and didn't do homework for awhile. For that time, he got failing grades. Because I had talked with him about it ahead of time, I got to be the parent who (genuinely) said things like: "Yeah. I get it. I agree with you. It doesn't seem right cuz you really can get much higher grades. I get your feelings are hurt. It sucks. .... What, if anything, would you like to do about it? Is there anything that I can help with?" It very quickly became his issue. No longer mine. And, best of all, our relationship ceased to be about me nagging over homework and him procrastinating.