• Quote of the Day
    "You are much deeper, much broader, much brighter than any idea you could have of yourself."
    Harry Palmer, posted by Daniel

rebecca8

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HI,
The few friends I have left are so tired of me. They say it's difficult to be around someone who always is sad about something. Why do people, even people you believe to be your true friends abandon you when you need them the most? The worst part about it all, is that I was there for them when they needed me. Now, I just have my animals and sad songs. Favorite: "My Song" by Brandi Carlile. Great song for any woman who's ever been in love with an unavailable "man." Whole CD is great. Anyway, I've never been diagnosed with depression, but am pretty sure I've been battling it for about 7 years, since I graduated high school. I know HOW to get out of the situation that has kept me down, just am too SCARED, and unable to sustain a passion or some motivation. Now, the latest downfall is because of some guy. He's one of those that has performed a disappearing act. He moved from the East Coast to Chicago because of what I suspect he was trying to run away from his own broken heart. I suppose my rescue radar picked up on that right away, although I've only heard stories about what happened to him from other people. He tried to present a better image to me, I believe. Never wanted to let on that he drank, smoked pot, and was just a MESS. Underneath it all, I know he was good, and for the time he was here, I kinda wished we wouldn't have met until we were both a lot more mature, and emotional well. I heard that back home before he came here he was supposed to marry this girl, but (what a coincidence) she disappeared, and he later found out that she was cheating on him. I can imagine how that can really mess someone up. We had only gone out 3 times, but we also worked together, so I saw him all the time. He would tell other people how much he liked me, but then would tell me he did not want to be in a relationship. He confused the heck out of me, and this type of rejection has caused my self-esteem to sink so low. I felt used and sometimes ugly, and then I resented him, but of course still desired his attention. On my birthday a few months before his "escape" he wanted to take me out to dinner, but then blew me off with no phone call. I called him to tell him I was going out with my friend, and to forget about our "date" or whatever it was. I guess that crushed him right before his dumb vacation. A week later, he apologized, and said his whole vacation was ruined because of that, he got in a bar fight there, and admitted to me that he has a huge fear of committment. Well, duh! He then goes on to tell me that I'm the most real person he's met in Chicago, and he likes me ALOT, and really wants to get to know me better. 3 months later, he moves back home. Never even calls to say goodbye, or anything. I just hear it from one of his friends. Never returned my phone call asking if he's OK. Actually no one has heard from him. I'm a little worried, but I myself have pulled stunts like that, so I kinda know what it's like. And here's the kicker, AFTER he's gone, another one of his friends told me that he was in love with me. SO, this has consumed my whole summer. I've stayed home EVERY weekend. I can't stand to go out. Everything reminds me of him. I have to quickly change the channel if baseball is on, or anything to do with the Boston Red Sox, I hear his name, I cringe. It's awful, and yet seems so childish. I still love him, and my friend is trying to set me up with someone else. I just can't do it. It feels like betrayal. But that's stupid because he's gone. It feels like he died. I cry every night. And then I get mad because he knew how I felt about him, and I can't understand why he would just leave. There's more to the story, but this is really the gist of it, and I guess I needed to talk to people who are more like me. People who don't suffer from depression, either don't understand, OR some who have suffered from a depressed state and are out of it treat you like you're contagious. Oh, they might contract it from you again, so they just stay away. And eventually, you just keep to yourself because you don't want to "infect" anyone else. Can't just press a happy button. They don't get it, and sometimes it's almost as if they become angry with you because you can't get back up on your feet. Well, it does feel good to talk about it to people who can relate. It helps. Thank you to whomever is listening.
 

Daniel

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I still love him, and my friend is trying to set me up with someone else...And then I get mad because he knew how I felt about him, and I can't understand why he would just leave.

Your friend is giving you good advice -- get over the guy by dating other people.

Similarly:

It’s a classic single-woman scenario: you really like this guy, but he’s giving mixed messages. You make excuses, decide he’s confused, afraid of commitment. Behrendt, a former executive story editor for Sex and the City—and a formerly single (now happily married) guy who knows all the excuses—provides a simple answer: he’s just not that into you. Stop kidding yourself, let go and look for someone else who will be. After all, as Behrendt sensibly puts it, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way." If you’re not convinced yet, by all means read this smart, funny and surprisingly upbeat little book, full of q’s and a’s covering every excuse woman has ever made to avoid admitting to herself that a man just wasn’t that smitten with her.

Publishers Weekly book review of He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

Even browsing online dating sites ("window shopping") may help redirect your thoughts.
 
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Anyway, I've never been diagnosed with depression, but am pretty sure I've been battling it for about 7 years, since I graduated high school.
7 years is a long time to try and deal with depression on your own. have you considered speaking with your doctor?

you talk about having lost your friends as a result of them not understanding, not supporting you, even those who've been through depression themselves. i know this hurts, a lot, and it adds to your feelings of being alone.

i'd like to bring up another viewpoint, and this is in no way a criticism of you, nor a minimization of your feelings. when we are depressed we push away those around us, those that love us the most. i couldn't stand to be around people, even my own family (husband and kids). we go around rejecting them. we don't mean to do this, it's just that depression makes us feel so horrible that we can't take much of human interaction. this is very difficult on the people around us. if you do this long enough, eventually there may come a point where your friends may decide they've had enough. they love you, but they can't take it anymore. 7 years is a long time, and i can see how people may decide they need a break from it all. even if you don't have clinical depression, feeling badly all the time may still have this effect.

I know HOW to get out of the situation that has kept me down, just am too SCARED, and unable to sustain a passion or some motivation.
are you referring to the loss of this guy or getting treatment for depression? or something different?

the relationship does not sound like a healthy one. the best thing for you would be to mourn this loss and move on. easier said than done, for sure. our emotions can be painful and don't go away on command. they need to be worked through.

only you know how badly you feel. if you suspect depression, i don't think it would be a bad idea to start talking to your doctor.
 

Daniel

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Why do people, even people you believe to be your true friends abandon you when you need them the most?

There are "fair weather friends." On the other hand, along the lines of what Ladybug was saying, even mothers, spouses, and best friends can suffer of burnout dealing with the depression of a loved one, especially when it seems that nothing they do seems to help.

The best thing a friend can do for you is encourage you to get professional help, as Ladybug suggests. Anything else is secondary to that since friends can't be therapists. Similarly, talking too much about one's problems/symptoms to friends can actually exacerbate depression by focusing more on the problem than on the solution. This is referred to as co-rumination, which is an issue for some people.
 
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