HI,
The few friends I have left are so tired of me. They say it's difficult to be around someone who always is sad about something. Why do people, even people you believe to be your true friends abandon you when you need them the most? The worst part about it all, is that I was there for them when they needed me. Now, I just have my animals and sad songs. Favorite: "My Song" by Brandi Carlile. Great song for any woman who's ever been in love with an unavailable "man." Whole CD is great. Anyway, I've never been diagnosed with depression, but am pretty sure I've been battling it for about 7 years, since I graduated high school. I know HOW to get out of the situation that has kept me down, just am too SCARED, and unable to sustain a passion or some motivation. Now, the latest downfall is because of some guy. He's one of those that has performed a disappearing act. He moved from the East Coast to Chicago because of what I suspect he was trying to run away from his own broken heart. I suppose my rescue radar picked up on that right away, although I've only heard stories about what happened to him from other people. He tried to present a better image to me, I believe. Never wanted to let on that he drank, smoked pot, and was just a MESS. Underneath it all, I know he was good, and for the time he was here, I kinda wished we wouldn't have met until we were both a lot more mature, and emotional well. I heard that back home before he came here he was supposed to marry this girl, but (what a coincidence) she disappeared, and he later found out that she was cheating on him. I can imagine how that can really mess someone up. We had only gone out 3 times, but we also worked together, so I saw him all the time. He would tell other people how much he liked me, but then would tell me he did not want to be in a relationship. He confused the heck out of me, and this type of rejection has caused my self-esteem to sink so low. I felt used and sometimes ugly, and then I resented him, but of course still desired his attention. On my birthday a few months before his "escape" he wanted to take me out to dinner, but then blew me off with no phone call. I called him to tell him I was going out with my friend, and to forget about our "date" or whatever it was. I guess that crushed him right before his dumb vacation. A week later, he apologized, and said his whole vacation was ruined because of that, he got in a bar fight there, and admitted to me that he has a huge fear of committment. Well, duh! He then goes on to tell me that I'm the most real person he's met in Chicago, and he likes me ALOT, and really wants to get to know me better. 3 months later, he moves back home. Never even calls to say goodbye, or anything. I just hear it from one of his friends. Never returned my phone call asking if he's OK. Actually no one has heard from him. I'm a little worried, but I myself have pulled stunts like that, so I kinda know what it's like. And here's the kicker, AFTER he's gone, another one of his friends told me that he was in love with me. SO, this has consumed my whole summer. I've stayed home EVERY weekend. I can't stand to go out. Everything reminds me of him. I have to quickly change the channel if baseball is on, or anything to do with the Boston Red Sox, I hear his name, I cringe. It's awful, and yet seems so childish. I still love him, and my friend is trying to set me up with someone else. I just can't do it. It feels like betrayal. But that's stupid because he's gone. It feels like he died. I cry every night. And then I get mad because he knew how I felt about him, and I can't understand why he would just leave. There's more to the story, but this is really the gist of it, and I guess I needed to talk to people who are more like me. People who don't suffer from depression, either don't understand, OR some who have suffered from a depressed state and are out of it treat you like you're contagious. Oh, they might contract it from you again, so they just stay away. And eventually, you just keep to yourself because you don't want to "infect" anyone else. Can't just press a happy button. They don't get it, and sometimes it's almost as if they become angry with you because you can't get back up on your feet. Well, it does feel good to talk about it to people who can relate. It helps. Thank you to whomever is listening.
The few friends I have left are so tired of me. They say it's difficult to be around someone who always is sad about something. Why do people, even people you believe to be your true friends abandon you when you need them the most? The worst part about it all, is that I was there for them when they needed me. Now, I just have my animals and sad songs. Favorite: "My Song" by Brandi Carlile. Great song for any woman who's ever been in love with an unavailable "man." Whole CD is great. Anyway, I've never been diagnosed with depression, but am pretty sure I've been battling it for about 7 years, since I graduated high school. I know HOW to get out of the situation that has kept me down, just am too SCARED, and unable to sustain a passion or some motivation. Now, the latest downfall is because of some guy. He's one of those that has performed a disappearing act. He moved from the East Coast to Chicago because of what I suspect he was trying to run away from his own broken heart. I suppose my rescue radar picked up on that right away, although I've only heard stories about what happened to him from other people. He tried to present a better image to me, I believe. Never wanted to let on that he drank, smoked pot, and was just a MESS. Underneath it all, I know he was good, and for the time he was here, I kinda wished we wouldn't have met until we were both a lot more mature, and emotional well. I heard that back home before he came here he was supposed to marry this girl, but (what a coincidence) she disappeared, and he later found out that she was cheating on him. I can imagine how that can really mess someone up. We had only gone out 3 times, but we also worked together, so I saw him all the time. He would tell other people how much he liked me, but then would tell me he did not want to be in a relationship. He confused the heck out of me, and this type of rejection has caused my self-esteem to sink so low. I felt used and sometimes ugly, and then I resented him, but of course still desired his attention. On my birthday a few months before his "escape" he wanted to take me out to dinner, but then blew me off with no phone call. I called him to tell him I was going out with my friend, and to forget about our "date" or whatever it was. I guess that crushed him right before his dumb vacation. A week later, he apologized, and said his whole vacation was ruined because of that, he got in a bar fight there, and admitted to me that he has a huge fear of committment. Well, duh! He then goes on to tell me that I'm the most real person he's met in Chicago, and he likes me ALOT, and really wants to get to know me better. 3 months later, he moves back home. Never even calls to say goodbye, or anything. I just hear it from one of his friends. Never returned my phone call asking if he's OK. Actually no one has heard from him. I'm a little worried, but I myself have pulled stunts like that, so I kinda know what it's like. And here's the kicker, AFTER he's gone, another one of his friends told me that he was in love with me. SO, this has consumed my whole summer. I've stayed home EVERY weekend. I can't stand to go out. Everything reminds me of him. I have to quickly change the channel if baseball is on, or anything to do with the Boston Red Sox, I hear his name, I cringe. It's awful, and yet seems so childish. I still love him, and my friend is trying to set me up with someone else. I just can't do it. It feels like betrayal. But that's stupid because he's gone. It feels like he died. I cry every night. And then I get mad because he knew how I felt about him, and I can't understand why he would just leave. There's more to the story, but this is really the gist of it, and I guess I needed to talk to people who are more like me. People who don't suffer from depression, either don't understand, OR some who have suffered from a depressed state and are out of it treat you like you're contagious. Oh, they might contract it from you again, so they just stay away. And eventually, you just keep to yourself because you don't want to "infect" anyone else. Can't just press a happy button. They don't get it, and sometimes it's almost as if they become angry with you because you can't get back up on your feet. Well, it does feel good to talk about it to people who can relate. It helps. Thank you to whomever is listening.
