Hello: Anger Management

[Seagull]

Hi, I'm a 34-year old female with a rage problem. I had an episode on friday and am currently recovering from the after-effects of that outburst. I told my friends about it but I don't think they understand or maybe they just don't know what to say.

I guess I wanted to find a place where I can talk about these things, because elsewhere, in real life or online, I think I'm a burden and a sore to my friends who are probably getting tired of hearing about this rages I get.

So, I googled and then I found this site. I've been reading the threads in the Anger Management section of this forum and found them packed with good and insightful points.

I feel a bit messed up at the moment. I hope you'll all forgive me if I seem incoherent in my post.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome to Psychlinks!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Seagull.

Is there an identifiable pattern to these rages? For example:

• do they occur in certain social settings or with certain people only?
• are they related to how tired or stressed you are?
• are they related to alcohol or drug use?
• etc

Another possibility is that it's related to another mental health condition, such as depression, an anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, ADHD, or a personality disorder like borderline personality disorder. Have you ever been evaluated for this?

It may also have to do with personality or behavioral features such as low self-esteem; passivity or underassertiveness, etc., which may set up a pattern where you try let the little things go until they build up over time and become a major "explosion".

 

[Seagull]

Thanks for the welcome.


I tend to get angry when I spot inconsiderate behavior or rudeness. I get angry with perfect strangers more often than with people I know these days.

I tried some anger management techniques, but they only work if I'm not that angry, if I'm able to identify the situation before the anger goes off. And that has helped in cutting down conflicts with friends and people at work. But I can't seem to do anything about these sudden explosions -- caused by, example, someone who makes a snide remark instead of apologizing, or cuts in line in a queue. It's impossible to stop and see myself until it's over.

I could be in a perfectly good and calm mood for weeks or months, seemingly coping well with stress, and then the next thing I know, some stranger or colleague annoys me and I'll turn into this ugly angry thing. The whole world turns into a flaring white of rage. I demand that things get set right. If the person ignores me or tries to walk away, it makes me even angrier. I haven't gotten physical with anyone yet, but I think it's a matter of time before I do.

What's really devastating about these rage episodes is the mental pain that comes right after. The regret of having over reacted, the fear that one has gone too far and is going to get into trouble, followed by more anger, blame and fury over having the "bad luck" of encountering such situations (and people). The cycle of anger-regret-anger-justification continues on for days and for those days, I would suffer from lack of appetite, insomnia, body aches and headaches.

I think I might have low self esteem because I get angry when I feel that people are ignoring me when I'm trying to make a point and I feel that I am right. Or maybe it's more of an ego problem too. (I got so furious on Friday, that I said a few things that probably made no sense to the guy I was mad at. Things like percieved educational level and appearance of seniority. When he walked away, maybe I should have too but I so caught up in rage, I went on. I didn't cuss or anything, just went on trying to berate this guy.)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This sounds similar to the classic road rage scenario.

First, although many/most people with rage problems like yours feel that it all happens too quickly to intervene and prevent the outburst, this really isn't true. There is always a period, however brief, when you can intervene to take a slow deep breath, let go of the mounting tension in your body, and interrupt the rapid succession of cognitive distortions that feed the anger and nourish the rage. Always. No exceptions.

Have a look at some of the articles in the Cognitve Behavior Therapy Forum here, especially

• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/cbt-cogn...y/1451-the-ten-forms-of-twisted-thinking.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/cbt-cogn...lings-and-the-thoughts-that-control-them.html

Also see

• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anger-management/3315-eight-simple-anger-management-tips.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anger-management/8269-anger-management-tips-tame-your-temper.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anger-management/13732-anger-management-101-a.html

And consider seeing a therapist who is trained in CBT.

 

[Seagull]

Thanks for the links, David. I think those articles are highly relevant to me. I really do think along those twisted ways. My logical mind knows I shouldn't overreact, but my emotions overpower me all too often. I suppose it is kind of too final to say that it's "impossible", I just need to find a way or learn a method to deal with that moment.

I'm tired of hating myself for losing control like this.

I have been seriously considering looking for a right therapist. I didn't know where to start and am afraid of wasting money and time if I go to the wrong one. With your information, I'll at least be able to put a term to what I need.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good luck, Seagull.

 

[Jackie]

Welcome Seagull

 

[Charity]

Hello and welcome, Seagull!

I'm glad to hear that you're finding helpful information here, as so many of us have. This is also a great place to talk about things that are on your mind and get some friendly support as you work through your problems. I wish you the best!

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Seagull :welcome: to Psychlinks.

 

[Budoaiki]

Hi seagull,

Welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[Jazzey]

Welcome to Psyhchlinks Seagull :tiphat:

 

[Into The Light]

hi seagull, welcome to psychlinks. i am glad you have found us! :welcome:

 

[Budoaiki]

Seagull,

I must say that I have dealt with, no actually I am still dealing with my rage. There are some things I would like to share that I have learned that have helped me to find some of that essential peace of mind when my temper begins to boil.

As you know the temptation to give in and let the rage boil over is very addictive, the energy and strength it can give is very powerful. With all that power it gives also comes destruction; to peace of mind, to relationships and well being.

The power that comes with the rage is always there, rage just brings it out with little restraint or control. Which often forces others to respect our feelings without having to understand them. Over time the more we use it the harder it becomes to control which makes it more destructive. Afterward guilt comes on it's heels from something that was said or done in the throws of anger which can give rise to more anger toward oneself.

It is an addiction and a very hard one to break but not impossible. Through understanding it you can learn to prevent the rage and direct all that power to other things. Which is something I am still learning to do without ignoring my feelings or self respect which is a delicate balance at this point.

I use my breathing as my gauge, when I feel the tension rising the first thing I notice is my breathing changes. Natural breathing when we are relaxed starts from the bottom of the lungs expanding up to the chest. Where as stress causes shortness of breath and shallow breathing from the chest downward.

I learned about the breath awareness through anger management when I was younger and martial arts. Both have taught me that although anger is a part of us when we lose control of it we loose control of ourselves and that is dangerous in any circumstance.

The other and what I believe is the most essential thing is to understand where it comes from. For me there are things from my past that are a major source of anger and frustration. Reminders of those issues and arguments with the people connected to them can trigger my anger putting my otherwise peaceful nature on edge.

This can be very draining as I am sure you know from your own struggles and I hope that what I have said here will help you and others with it in some way.

 

[HBas]

Hi Seagull,

Welcome to the forum!

:support:

 

[Seagull]

This can be very draining as I am sure you know from your own struggles and I hope that what I have said here will help you and others with it in some way.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and techniques in dealing with anger. That's the other thing that I can look into -- I should learn some breathing exercises.

You are spot on about the guilt that comes after. I actually feel weakened and drained after an outburst. I almost want to be angry again just to justify the earlier loss of control. It just gets worse. The only person I hurt is myself and I'm angry with myself all over again for letting it happen. Thus the cycle continues.

I have a feeling that finding a therapist is going to be hard or at least take a lot of looking than just googling locally. In my country, it's not common for people to go to a psychiatrist for help, so there are not many clinics. There are quite a few private ones which are in the center of the city and they are rather expensive. There is a hospital but it is too far and out of the way for me. There is one clinic nearby but that one only opens during business hours -- how am I going to go to it when I have to work? ... I'll keep looking but in the mean time, I'll try to find alternatives. Breathing techniques would be one. Meditation or something quiet.

I thought about kickboxing but I think it might not help. I'm already aggressive as it is. I really need to learn to create a quiet space in any situation and calm down.

 

[Budoaiki]

Seagull,

In my experiences with martial arts, the core philosophies behind their creation, which are usually shared by their practitioners, is that the key to resolving any conflict is the ability to find peace of mind in the moment.

With the physical training when you learn how to protect yourself you also have greater confidence and a greater ability to remain calm in the face of a threat. With that said I would strongly suggest researching any martial art before beginning training and speaking with the Sensei or teacher before picking a dojo.

Those same principles apply to therapy as well. Research anger management and therapy techniques to find what you are comfortable with. Like martial arts, therapy also requires humility and letting go of preconceptions in order to really benefit from it regardless of the methods.

As you already know, this site is a good place to start researching different therapy methods on anger management. There are plenty of published articles from therapists and posts from members of this site regarding different methods.

I don't know where you are from but if you haven't already I would suggest asking your doctor or if you don't have one then it would be a good place to start.

 

[forgetmenot]

HI Seagull glad you found us. Welcome, you will find lots of support here.

 

[chrisrich]

Hi all.

Anger is such an ugly emotion. Only when when we learn to love ourselves can we love those around us...even the ones we would rather not

Cheers!

 

[Fiver]

Or perhaps anger is in the eye of the beholder. I believe it's a necessary emotion, albeit not the most pleasant to experience. But life isn't all kittens and cotton candy, nor will kittens and cotton candy help us get to the core of what we need to feel. Nevertheless...welcome to Seagull, even if I'm a tad late to the party.