• Quote of the Day
    "For most people, transformation is slow. It happens without you realizing it."
    Marsha Linehan, posted by Daniel

haunting

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Nov 11, 2004
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I have too much to say, so I will try to keep it short. I tend to talk a lot.

I am a 29 year old female, divorced with 2 children. I have bulimia and anorexia. Which is the big problem that I am facing right now.

I live in Canada, born and raised.

I guess I came here to find others that struggle with similar things as I do and gain some knowledge from them. I also like to help people, this is always my focus so I don't have time to look at me. I think we all tend to do that sometimes.

My doctor told me that I am dying, slowly killing myself. I guess the scary part is, I can accept this.

Haunting
 

David Baxter

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Haunting said:
My doctor told me that I am dying, slowly killing myself. I guess the scary part is, I can accept this.
That scares me too.

I wonder... how well do you think your children will accept it?
 
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I just wanted to say hi. I truly hope that you can see that there is help for you. It sounds like you are in so much pain.

I can relate on so many different levels.

This is a good place to come and write what is bothering you.
 

jubjub

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Welcome, Haunting. I am pleased to know that you have found this site. There are a number of members here who suffer from the same disorder as you do. You will find a lot of insightful information here about anorexia/bulimia, as well as a lot of helpful discussion. We'll see you around!

Anna
 

haunting

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Don't worry about this gal

That scares me too.

Well I guess this may worry some. But this is an acceptance from within myself. I am wanting so badly for others to accept this as well. Its hard to hear my doctor tell me this over and over. I finally figured that this is okay with me.

No, I don't think it would be easy for my children by any means. Trust me, I don't want to hurt anyone, especially them. They are so wonderful. They are such loving kids. The best part is cuddling with them at bed time. But don't you think they deserve more than this? How can a mother like me deserve such loving, warm, gental souls like this? To be around sickness is not fair to them. I recently came across a book. Grabbed my heart and was simply riviting. It was a girl who had to live with a mother like me. In the end, her mother killed herself. She said she would have rather her mom die sooner. And I heard her pain, the life she did not deserve. I will never forget this book.

jubjub, I am glad to have been fortunate to find this site as well. I can see how many loving people are here, I truly wish you all find the health and peace your fighting for.

janetr, thanks dear. Yes, I wanted to come here to be able to write these things that I have allowed to control me. Yes, I am in pain, but aren't we all. If I had the magic, I would take it all away for you. So hello back, looking forward to reading what you all have to say. Be well.

Haunting
Opps, trying to figure out the quote thing. HEHE, I messed up, sorry. Please excuse my ignorence with computers. lol.
 

haunting

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hmmm

Just looking this over and I should not have said the comment about accepting the dying part. I am sorry for that.

I sit here thinking about what I say, as true as this is, its hard to see; mostly I suppose for others.

I think of myself as a failure. The one who let her kids down. So them moving on without illness in their lives, well I see a better future for them. Not that it would make it easy. I used to be a wonderful mom. I do try very hard. I wear a mask that nobody can see what is really going on. For them, this is what they need to see. My kids are smart, they know its odd that mom never eats yet cooks for everyone. That she spends so much time in the washroom cause she is not feeling well. What they don't know is the cause of the frequent washroom trips. They had made a comment to our doctor that mom is forever in the bathroom. And said I don't eat. How terrible for them, to see this, yet not comprehending what the heck is going on.

So I continue to lie, tell them I ate too much at lunch while they were in school. And I am in the washroom because it did not agree with me. Fact of the matter, I did not eat, and I took so many laxatives that I can't get out of the place that I find so often.

So the answer to how well my kids would accept this; really a matter of time. In their adult years they would have figured this mess out. Probably will hate me, join the club. Not that I don't feel remorse. This is the hard part, hurting my babies.

Haunting
 

Kanadiana

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Jul 24, 2004
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Hi Haunting,

I don't know how old your kids are, but you're their Mom as is, warts and all,
as we all are. When we struggle we're just human and we have to deal with the
issues. Which is pretty hard to do if we hide them so's we can't openly let
our kids see we're struggling, and working at improving our problems. When our
kids see us dealing with reality and trying to make it better, then Ithink we SHOW
them its okay to be human, struggle, and have to work at making things better.
Nothing to be ashamed of, just something to deal with.

Our "weknesses" for lack of a better word, and having our kids see us work with them,
teaches them self-acceptance when they have problems oof their own so they're more likely to
recognize and get help for problems when they need that too. Its a real strength to
be able to accept and show struggling, and dealing with strugggles :)

It's real life ... which is what our kids need to learn to handle. Reality is ... we aren't perfect.
And neither are they. At home with family I sorta of feel is where its so important to be
able to "be real" ... etc

These are just some of my own thoughts. I've been extremely judgemental of my own
failures ... self-rejecting ... I see my daughters have similar attitudes sometimes. Yes,
it hurts . Improving my own self-esteem shows my daughters they can improve thirs
too and they can make changes in how they handle stuff too.

Must run ... but take care ok :)
 

haunting

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I agree

I agree with you 100%. My kids are young which makes it hard to decide what I should tell them. They fear that mom will die. They see me going through this, and yes, they do day after day. And I hate myself for this.

My kids are 10 and 7. They have seen so much through their lives already. Have been abused by their father, watched him beat me, and vitnessed unthinkable acts of violence. So how much can young minds cope with?

They often bring up issues from the past. How dad threw things at mom, and ask why did he hurt you all the time. This is so hard to answer. I do my best and always tell them how much we BOTH love them. Their father has become much healthier with his anger issues. I don't worry about him harming them anymore, as he knows I will not allow it. I had the police involved as well as child protection as I needed to protect my kids from this kind of bull. He knows if he ever crosses this line, the safe boundries that my kids deserve, I will haul him into court so fast he won't know what hit him.

I have gained so much knowledge over time. I have won so many battles. I have always been considered the "strong one". The fun girl who lets Elizabeth be who she is. I was never one to be pushed around, I stood my ground and spoke strongly with what I believe. I don't show this anymore. With many things I suppose I still do. When it comes to protecting my kids, you would not find anyone who would fight till the "death" (for lack of better terms). I have fought for years to keep my kids well, to keep myself sane. But it seems like everything has come crashing down all at once.

My mom is dying of cancer, the daily war within myself, the constant reminder that I am killing myself with this ED. There is so much pent up from my past, how do you deal with it all; wish I knew.

So I am not sure how much my kids can take. What do u say to such young children that have endured so much already. I do agree with you wholeheartedly.

Haunting
 

Ash

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Welcome, haunting. I look forward to many posts from you. :)
 

haunting

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Messages
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Thanks Ash. Same here. I find what others say very interesting. Hits home many times, but I think that is good. I have already noticed that it helps release some of my tears, and tons of giggles (those are good).

So I am also looking forward to reading posts here as well. Thanks again.

Haunting
 

jubjub

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Jul 24, 2004
Messages
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Hi, Haunting. I'm back again. I wasn't around much yesterday. I don't know what this virus is that I have, but it sure has me down and out for the count. My face around my mouth is covered with a big red rash still (it was a big WEEPING red rash until yesterday) and I have something similar on my middle finger on my left hand, which started as a paper cut from work and turned into the same thing as my face has! It burst today finally, but it's all purple and leaking also. I have been off work since Wednesday afternoon, but I went back today, red, rashy face and all. I tried to cover it with some makeup (I don't usually wear face makeup, just eye makeup and maybe a bit of lipstick) but after I had been at work for an hour I had to apply more medicine so I swiped off the makeup and just went about my day with a red, rashy face! Geez! If anyone should feel like a monster today, it's me! Fortunately there are only 5 other workers in my office and two of them were gone for most of the day. We don't have much walk in traffic, either, so I wasn't TOO embarrassed by having to face a bunch of strangers! It's been a long, hard day, during most of which I have had a terrible headache.

It has NOT been a great day, okay?

Anyway, I just thought I would check in here to see how you are doing. I guess the kids are back home now?
 
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Welcome

Hi Haunting. Welcome. Pretty sure you'll be able to find rest here and much much more. Not long ago at all I became a member here. I've liked it very much.

I've been reading some of the posts and of course your replies as well. I cant help but notice your signature. How you explain your position, while another is requesting or requiring of you. I sensed you're state in this to be that of exhaustion, ..perhaps exhasperation, totally tapped out as if you've abandoned yourself completely for this person, given all of you to them, and you've yet to truly understand what it is they want. Their communication to you is unclear. They're requesting something from you while asking words they use say something completely different. So a few 'food for thought' questions for you. Is whom it is you're talking to by saying "I'll Try" someone you know?, wanted to know?, or a stranger? Is it okay to take the time and go back for clarity and MAKE them realize their attempt to communicate doesn't necessarily transfer the consistent idea? You have the right to know what it is that's being required of you, and you have the responsibility to require clarity of the request. Otherwise, disregard them completely. Is this person one who holds the title of or one who is worthy of your effort? Or is this person one who's attentions and interests you deeply desire? Only food for thought.
I will be here and hope all the best.
Sheila
 

haunting

Member
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Messages
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I think I am referring to my family. I don't understand them. I can't do anything right. I could become someone famous and it would never be enough. I could be a super hero or a model and I would still be a "nothing" to them. I am also referring to the fact that I have overcome many obstacles. I have fought over time to be healthy, worked very hard in fact. But right now with my illness (s), seems like I try hard and can succeed to a certain degree then something hits me hard and I fall further back then I was before. I think this is why I feel like giving up. Years of abuse growing up, then in my marriage, depression, this ED--I fight all of this but it does not seem to get better. These feelings are always with me. I have had thoughts of suicide as far back as I can remember. I used to have constant thoughts of death....and still do. Is this destiny??

So this is my explanation I suppose. If it made any sense at all; lolol.

Thanks everyone,

Haunting
 

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