Here's part of my story.
I'm a 58 year old man and I have been married twice and have 3 children. One is grown and 2 are still at home with my first wife. I am the youngest of 3 children. My older brother committed suicide in 1997, my father went insane and died from a concussion in a dementia facility in 2005. I have been living with my 92 year old mother because I lost my job and also because she has been ill. I have been working for the past year and I've bought a house and I am getting ready to move in a week.
My mother has been diagnosed with dementia of the Alzheimer's type but she refuses to accept her diagnosis and refuses to move to assisted living. Once I move she will be by herself without much help at home. She has a lady that comes in only 3 days a week. I will still have to pay her bills, do her shopping, buy groceries, make sure she takes her medicines, refill her prescriptions and taker her to doctor's appointments. As the only "reliable" child the burden of this has fallen on me whether I want it or not and I am having trouble dealing with it. I constantly feel guilt, shame, anger and fear, and I woke up this morning feeling like I was in the middle of a pot of boiling stew.
Everyone in my family has had difficulty with emotions - both feeling them and expressing them. I grew up believing that any kind of emotional expression whether it was joy, grief, anger or fear, was inappropriate. I think I have learned that the only appropriate expression of emotion is shame or guilt. I understand that emotions we do not feel usually show up in relationship conflicts - that is, "what we reject we project." I've made it my life's goal to own my feelings and learn about my defense mechanisms are so that I can let them down. Most of the time I feel distant from other people - especially women, and I have a great deal of difficulty trusting anyone.
During my life I have had several, "aha" experiences - like epiphanies. Actually, more than several when I think about it. I had always seen myself as a nice guy who was kind and considerate of other people, somewhat quiet and introspective and of moderately high intelligence. Back in 2007, and several times since then, I have seen another side of myself that I didn't really know was there - a side that I had previously refused to accept. That is why my "handle" on this forum is "Darkside." This other part of myself is angry, vindictive, mean, cruel and blames everyone else for what goes wrong. There is actually a "monster" in my heart and it is me.
Here's a recent example. About a month ago I was playing golf with some friends. The days leading up to it were difficult and stressful and on the last hole I lost it, and I threw a golf club and broke it. As a result of that outburst I felt intense guilt - like burning sensation in my chest - for several days. I apologized to my golf buddies but I found myself going through all sorts of mental gymnastics to deny or blame what happened on something else. Suddenly, the thought came to me that the person who threw that golf club wasn't someone else - it was me! That night I slept more peacefully than I had in a long time - months.
What I want to understand is why is it that when someone else has a crisis (like my mother's angst over moving to assisted living) I immediately shut down my own "feeling" and find myself sorting through the other person's feelings? I know that one reason is so I don't have to look at the darkness in my own heart - at emotions and desires I find unacceptable and "unlikeable" - but the other reason is because that is what I was taught to do by parents and siblings who were emotionally needy and unstable. Usually, it is times like this that the "monster" emerges and I become cruel and say and do things I regret later.
I wonder sometimes if I am trying to be too "perfect."
Maybe it is all me after all.
I'm a 58 year old man and I have been married twice and have 3 children. One is grown and 2 are still at home with my first wife. I am the youngest of 3 children. My older brother committed suicide in 1997, my father went insane and died from a concussion in a dementia facility in 2005. I have been living with my 92 year old mother because I lost my job and also because she has been ill. I have been working for the past year and I've bought a house and I am getting ready to move in a week.
My mother has been diagnosed with dementia of the Alzheimer's type but she refuses to accept her diagnosis and refuses to move to assisted living. Once I move she will be by herself without much help at home. She has a lady that comes in only 3 days a week. I will still have to pay her bills, do her shopping, buy groceries, make sure she takes her medicines, refill her prescriptions and taker her to doctor's appointments. As the only "reliable" child the burden of this has fallen on me whether I want it or not and I am having trouble dealing with it. I constantly feel guilt, shame, anger and fear, and I woke up this morning feeling like I was in the middle of a pot of boiling stew.
Everyone in my family has had difficulty with emotions - both feeling them and expressing them. I grew up believing that any kind of emotional expression whether it was joy, grief, anger or fear, was inappropriate. I think I have learned that the only appropriate expression of emotion is shame or guilt. I understand that emotions we do not feel usually show up in relationship conflicts - that is, "what we reject we project." I've made it my life's goal to own my feelings and learn about my defense mechanisms are so that I can let them down. Most of the time I feel distant from other people - especially women, and I have a great deal of difficulty trusting anyone.
During my life I have had several, "aha" experiences - like epiphanies. Actually, more than several when I think about it. I had always seen myself as a nice guy who was kind and considerate of other people, somewhat quiet and introspective and of moderately high intelligence. Back in 2007, and several times since then, I have seen another side of myself that I didn't really know was there - a side that I had previously refused to accept. That is why my "handle" on this forum is "Darkside." This other part of myself is angry, vindictive, mean, cruel and blames everyone else for what goes wrong. There is actually a "monster" in my heart and it is me.
Here's a recent example. About a month ago I was playing golf with some friends. The days leading up to it were difficult and stressful and on the last hole I lost it, and I threw a golf club and broke it. As a result of that outburst I felt intense guilt - like burning sensation in my chest - for several days. I apologized to my golf buddies but I found myself going through all sorts of mental gymnastics to deny or blame what happened on something else. Suddenly, the thought came to me that the person who threw that golf club wasn't someone else - it was me! That night I slept more peacefully than I had in a long time - months.
What I want to understand is why is it that when someone else has a crisis (like my mother's angst over moving to assisted living) I immediately shut down my own "feeling" and find myself sorting through the other person's feelings? I know that one reason is so I don't have to look at the darkness in my own heart - at emotions and desires I find unacceptable and "unlikeable" - but the other reason is because that is what I was taught to do by parents and siblings who were emotionally needy and unstable. Usually, it is times like this that the "monster" emerges and I become cruel and say and do things I regret later.
I wonder sometimes if I am trying to be too "perfect."
Maybe it is all me after all.
